Aristophanes
ACHARNIANS
425 BC
Translated by Ian Johnston
Vancouver Island University
Nanaimo, British Columbia
(2023)
The following text is also available as an RTF file or a PDF file. Click on the appropriate link here:
Acharnians (rtf)
Acharnians (pdf)
Introductory Note
This English text is in the public realm (released February 2023). Contact Ian Johnston (johnstoi.ian@gmail.com) for comments or questions.
In numbering the lines in the following English text, the translator has normally included a short indented line with the short line immediately above it, so that two or three partial lines count as a single line in the reckoning. The line numbers in square brackets refer to the Greek text; line numbers without brackets refer to the English text. The endnotes have been provided by the translator.
During the play the characters at times use quotations from lost plays (of Euripides). These quotations are between single quotation marks, e.g., ‘Quotation from lost play.’
Acharnians was first performed in Athens in 425 BC. The production won first prize at the Lenaian festival in honour of the god Dionysus. At that time Athens and its allies had been at war with Sparta and its allies for five years.
Dramatis Personae
Speaking Roles
DICAEOPOLIS, a middle-aged Athenian farmer
HERALD
AMPHITHEUS
AMBASSADORS, Athenians returning from Persia
PSEUDOARTABAS, the Persian King’s Eye
THEORUS, a politician
CHORUS, elderly Athenians from Acharnae
DAUGHTER OF DICAEOPOLIS
SLAVE, servant of Euripides.
EURIPIDES, a writer of tragedies.
LAMACHUS, an army general.
A MEGARIAN, a citizen of Megara.
TWO YOUNG GIRLS, daughters of the Megarian.
AN INFORMER
A BOEOTIAN, a man from Boeotia.
NICARCHUS, an informer.
SLAVE OF LAMACHUS
DERCETES: an unfortunate farmer.
A WEDDING GUEST
Non-Speaking Roles
ASSEMBLY OF MAGISTRATES
SCYTHIAN ARCHERS
AMBASSADORS
EUNUCHS
ODOMANTIAN SOLDIERS
WIFE OF DICAEOPOLIS
PIPE MUSICIANS
ISMENIAS, slave of the Boeotian
DANCING GIRLS, SLAVES, ATTENDANTS
[The scene is the Pnyx hill in Athens, where Athenians meet for political discussions and decisions. In the background are the front doors of three houses belonging to Euripides, Dicaeopolis, and Lamachus. The foreground, below the stage is the meeting place for the governing assembly of Athenian citizens.There are some benches where the Magistrates will sit. Dicaeopolis is alone on stage, restlessly waiting for the Assembly to begin.]
DICAEOPOLIS(1)
So many things are chewing at my heart!
I have few pleasures in my life—just four,
to be precise. My troubles are numberless,
like grains of sand lying piled up in heaps.
Let me see now . . . which of these pleasures
has been a real delight? Ah yes, I know—
my heart was truly happy when Cleon
was forced to cough up that five-talent fine.
How joyful I felt then, and I love the Knights
for making that man pay.(2)
What a grand day
10
that was for Greece! But then there was that time
I had to suffer tragic disappointment—
I was eager for a play by Aeschylus,
[10]
when I heard a herald shout “Theognis,
lead out your chorus!”(3)
You can imagine
how this change made me sick at heart. But then,
after Moschus played, what delight I felt
when Dexitheus entered the competition,
playing and singing Boeotian melodies!(4)
Then this year, I twisted my neck around
20
and almost killed myself watching Chaeris
sneaking in to play shrill music on his flute.(5)
But since the time I first began to wash,
never has the dust stung my eyes so much,
as it does now, whenever Athens holds
a regular assembly, which should begin
early in the morning. But now the Pnyx,
the place where we all meet, is deserted.
[20]
The city folk are in the marketplace,
gossiping as they wander here and there, 30
avoiding the red-ochre-covered rope.(6)
The magistrates are not even here yet—
they will be late, and when they do arrive,
they’ll start pushing and punching each other
for a front row seat. You have no idea—
they tumble down like a cascading river!
They have no wish to think about a truce.
O this city, this Athens! I am always
the very first to get to the assembly
and find a seat. But then, feeling alone,
40
with not a thing to do, I groan and yawn,
[30]
stretch, and fart. I draw figures in the dust,
pull out my nose hairs, add up all my debts.
I dream of countryside and long for peace.(7)
I hate city life and yearn for my own farm,
which never said I had to purchase charcoal,
or vinegar or olive oil. In fact,
the verb “to purchase” was quite unknown there—
I could produce whatever I might want,
without the need to purchase anything.
50
So now my mind’s made up—I’ve come here
fully prepared to shout and interrupt
and criticize the speakers if they talk
of anything except the need for peace.
But here come the magistrates . . .
[Enter the Magistrates in confused mass, just as Dicaeopolis describes them in line 33 ff above, with a great deal of physical commotion, as they seek to get the best front seats in the orchestra.]
About time, too—
[40]
right on midday! Did I not predict this?
It’s just as I said—each man is scrambling,
pushing and punching for a front-row seat.
[A Herald tries to sort out the confusion.]
HERALD
Come on, move along to the front . . . that’s it!
To the front where you can find yourself a seat—
60
right here, in the consecrated section!(8)
[Enter Amphitheus, in a hurry.]
AMPHITHEUS [to
Dicaeopolis]
Has anyone spoken yet?
HERALD
Who is it
that wishes to address the assembly?
AMPHITHEUS
I do.
AMPHITHEUS
I am godly Amphitheus!(9)
HERALD
You are not a man?
AMPHITHEUS
No! I am an immortal.
Amphitheus was son of Demeter
and Triptolemos; from him was born
Celeus who married Phaenerete,
my grandmother, who gave birth to Lucinus,
[50]
and I was born from him, and that makes me
70
immortal.(10)
And to me alone the gods
have assigned the task of making a truce
with the Lacedaemonians. But, gentlemen,
though I’m immortal, I have no money
for the trip, and the city magistrates
will not give me any.
HERALD [shouting]
Guards!(11)
[Two guards come to get Amphitheus out of the assembly.]
AMPHITHEUS
O Triptolemos and Celeus,
are you abandoning me?
DICAEOPOLIS [protesting]
You magistrates,
you are violating this assembly
by having this man hauled forcibly away.
He wishes to arrange a truce for us
80
and do away with war.
HERALD
Sit down and shut up!
DICAEOPOLIS`
No, by Apollo, I will not sit down—
not unless you are prepared to move
[60]
a motion about brokering a peace.
HERALD [announcing a new
arrival]
The ambassadors from the Great King!(12)
[Enter the Ambassadors returning from the Persian court. They and their group are dressed very exotically.]
DICAEOPOLIS
What kind of Great King? I am so fed up
with these ambassadors and their peacocks
and pretentious mumbo-jumbo!
DICAEOPOLIS
Good heavens! . . . By Ecbatana, what costumes!(13)
AMBASSADOR
You sent us to the Great King on a wage
90
of two drachmas per day. And that took place
when Euthymenes was chief magistrate.(14)
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah yes, those poor drachmas.
AMBASSADOR
I can tell you
it was exhausting work roaming around
the plains of Cayster, sheltered from the sun,
lying on soft cushions in our carriages—
[70]
soul-destroying work!
DICAEOPOLIS [aside]
While I had it easy
lying in the straw on our battlements.(15)
AMBASSADOR
When we were entertained as welcome guests,
they compelled us to drink sweet unmixed wine
100
out of crystal goblets inlaid with gold.(16)
DICAEOPOLIS
O city of Cranaus, do you not see
how these ambassadors are mocking you?(17)
AMBASSADOR
The only people these barbarians
consider men are those ones strong enough
to eat enormous meals and drink like fish.
DICAEOPOLIS [aside]
Here in Athens we only value men
who suck our cocks or take it up the bum.
AMBASSADOR
In the fourth year we reached the Great King’s court.
[80]
But he had left, taking his army with him,
110
searching for somewhere he could ease his bowels.
He spent eight months in the golden mountains,
shitting himself to his royal heart’s content.
DICAEOPOLIS
How long did it take to heal his arse hole?
AMBASSADOR
One full moon. Then he returned to his palace,
where he entertained us. He served an ox
roasted in an oven—the whole thing!
DICAEOPOLIS
What rubbish!
Whoever saw an ox baked in an oven!
AMBASSADOR
It’s true! I swear by the gods! He also served
a bird three times larger than Cleonymus—
120
it was called a blowhard.(18)
DICAEOPOLIS
To think we pay you
two drachmas a day for all this horseshit!
[90]
AMBASSADOR
We have come back, this time bringing with us
Pseudartabas, the Great King’s Eye.(19)
DICAEOPOLIS
If only
a crow would peck out his eye—and yours, too,
you amb-ASS-ador!
HERALD [announcing the
arrival of Pseudartabas]
The Great King’s Eye!
[Enter Pseudartabas.](20)
DICAEOPOLIS [amazed at
Pseudartabas’s appearance]
O lord Herakles!
[Dicaeopolis comes closer to Pseudartabas in order to inspect the single eye in the mask.]
By the gods, with that eye
you look like the prow on a ship of war!(21)
Are you rounding a headland seeking port?
You have a leather flap around your eye
130
and hanging down below it . . .
(22)
AMBASSADOR [interrupting]
Come on then,
Pseudartabas, tell him the message
the Great King told you to deliver
to the Athenians, when he sent you back.
PSEUDARTABAS [speaking
gibberish, pretending to be Persian]
Jartaman exarxan apissona satra.
[100]
AMBASSADOR
Do you understand what he is saying?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, by Apollo, I haven’t a clue.
AMBASSADOR [to the
Magistrates]
He says that the Great King will send you gold.
[Turning to Pseudartabas]
Speak louder and more clearly about the gold.
PSEUDARTABAS
Gold for loose-arsed Ionian? No way!
140
DICAEPOLIS
Ah the damned wretch! That was clear enough.
AMBASSADOR
Why? What is he saying?
DICAEOPOLIS
He says Ionians
are all loose-arsed buggers if they expect
to get gifts of gold from the barbarians.(23)
AMBASSADOR
No, no! He talks of bars of gold!(24)
DICAEOPOLIS
What bars?
You’re a complete bullshitter! Go away!
Let me question this fellow by myself.
[110]
Dicaeopolis turns towards Pseudartabas.]
Come now, answer my questions
clearly,
with your master here as witness, or else
I’ll dip you in purple dye from Sardis.(25)
150
Will the Great King be sending us some gold?
[Pseudartabas shakes his head to indicate a negative answer.]
So these ambassadors are lying to us?
[Pseudartabas nods his head in an affirmative answer.]
The gestures these men make
are very Greek.
I’ll bet they turn out to be Athenians.
Hang on, I recognize one of these eunuchs—
it’s that son of Sibyrtius, Cleisthenes,
the man who shaves his hot, hairy arse hole.(26)
You monkey, did you come here all dressed up,
[120]
trying to convince us you were a eunuch,
with a great beard like that?(27) And who is
this?
160
It’s Straton, I presume.
HERALD
Silence! Be seated!
The Council invites the Great King’s Eye
to a welcome in the Prytaneum.(28)
[The Ambassadors, Pseudartabas, Cleisthenes, Straton, and their attendants leave for the Prytaneum, so that Dicaeopolis, Amphitheus, and the Magistrates are the only ones left.]
DICAEOPOLIS [to the audience]
This is enough to make one kill oneself!
I have to hang around here, wasting time,
while the Council always throws open the doors
of the Prytaneum for scoundrels like that.
But I am going to act—to carry out
something grand and dangerous. Where is he,
that man Amphitheus?
AMPHITHEUS
I’m over here!
170
DICAEOPOLIS
Take these eight drachmas and go to Sparta—
[130]
draw up a peace treaty
with the Lacedaemonians
just for me, my children, and my wife.
[Amphitheus takes the money and leaves.]
And you,
my gaping fools, can send out more ambassadors.
[Herald enters.]
HERALD
Bring in Theorus, returning envoy
from the court of king Sitalces.(29)
[Enter Theorus.]
THEORUS
I am here.
DICAEOPOLIS
He’s announcing yet another charlatan
THEORUS
We would not have remained in Thrace so long . . .
DICAEOPOLIS [aside]
No by god, if you’d not been paid so much!
THEORUS
. . . if all Thrace had not been covered in snow.
180
Rivers were frozen, too. That was when
Theognis produced his play in Athens.(30)
[140]
I spent the time drinking with Sitalces,
who was hopelessly in love with Athens.
In fact, he adored your citizens so much
he scrawled on his own walls: “O Athenians,
how beautiful you are!” We made his son
an honorary Athenian. He was keen
to eat blood sausages at our feast
of Apaturia, and he begged his father
190
to send assistance to his new native land.(31)
Sitalces poured a libation and swore
he would help us with an army so huge
that the Athenians would all exclaim,
“A massive swarm of locusts is flying here!”
[150]
DICAEOPOLIS
May I die really badly if I believe
a word of what you’re saying—apart from
that bit about the locusts.
THEORUS
What’s more,
has sent you the finest fighting men
in all of Thrace.
DICAEOPOLIS
What’s going on here
200
is becoming clear.(32)
HERALD
You warriors from Thrace
brought here by Theorus, come forward!
[Enter the Thracian soldiers, a very ragged and strange looking military outfit. Each man’s costume includes a phallus.]
DICAEOPOLIS
Who is this wretched
group?
THEORUS
These warriors
are the Odomanti.
DICAEOPOLIS
The Odomanti?
Tell me what that means.
[Dicaeopolis moves to inspect the phalluses on the soldiers.]
Who sliced the foreskins
off these penises?
THEORUS
If you pay these men
two drachmas a day, they will overrun
and pillage all Boeotia.(33)
[160]
DICAEOPOLIS
Two drachmas
for a bunch of men without a foreskin!
You may well grumble, you top-tier oarsmen,
210
you saviours of our city!(34)
[The Odomanti troops cluster around Dicaeopolis and start picking his pockets]
Bloody hell!
I’m done for! These Odomanti riff-raff
are trying to steal my garlic! Give it back!
THEORUS
You idiot, don’t go near those men.
They’re like fighting cocks—full of garlic.(35)
DICAEOPOLIS
You magistrates, are you going to let
these barbarians treat me in this way
in my own country? I oppose holding
an assembly about paying wages
to these Thracians. And I declare to you
220
[170]
an omen has just reached me from the sky—
a drop of rain has hit me in the eye.(36)
HERALD
Let the Thracians now withdraw and return
the day after tomorrow. The magistrates
declare that this assembly is dissolved.
[The Magistrates, Thracians, and Herald all leave.]
DICAEOPOLIS
I’m in a bad way. I’ve lost all my lunch.
But here comes Amphitheus back from Sparta.
[Enter Amphitheus out of breath from running.]
Welcome Amphitheus!
AMPHITHEUS [catches his
breath]
No welcome yet . . .
not till I stop running . . . the Acharnians . . .
they’re after me . . . I have to get away!(37)
230
DICAEOPOLIS
What’s the matter?
AMPHITHEUS
I was on my way back here,
in a hurry to bring you your treaties,
when some Acharnian old men got wind
[180]
of what I was up to—they’re veterans
of Marathon, tough as oak or maple.(38)
They all started shouting at me, “You wretch,
you are bringing wines to make a truce
when our vines have just been cut to pieces.”(39)
They started putting pebbles in their pockets,
so I ran. They came yelling after me.
240
DICAEOPOLIS
Let them shout. Have you brought me a treaty?
AMPHITHEOS
Yes I have. There are three for you to sample.
This is a truce for five years. Take it and sip.
[Dicaeopolis takes the flask and samples the contents.]
DICAEOPOLIS [spitting out the
sample]
Bah!
AMPHITHEUS
How is it?
DICAEOPOLIS
I can’t stand the taste!
It stinks of pitch and refitted warships.
[190]
AMPHITHEUS [offering a second
sample]
Then take this sample—it’s a ten-year truce.
Taste it.
DICAEOPOLIS
This has a very pungent smell—
like the ambassadors who travel round
to the allied cities to yell at them
for being so slow.
AMPHITHEUS [offering a new
sample]
This third truce here
250
is for thirty years, by land and sea.
[Dicaeopolis tastes the third sample.]
DICAEOPOLIS
Holy Dionysus! This smells of nectar
and ambrosia! It is telling us
not to watch for orders that every man
collect his own provisions for three days.(40)
It says to me “Go wherever you wish.”
This one I welcome. I’ll ratify it,
drink it down, and tell the Acharnians,
[200]
all of them, to bugger off. I am now
rid of war and all its troubles. I’m off
260
to my country home to honour Dionysus.
AMPHITHEUS
And I’ll keep running from those Acharnians.
[Dicaeopolis and Amphitheus leave. The Chorus of Acharnian charcoal burners enters. They are still chasing Amphitheus, intending to throw stones they are carrying at him.]
CHORUS LEADER(41)
This way everybody—keep
following
that man. Ask everyone we come across.
It’s our civic duty to capture him.
[Calling out to anyone within hearing.]
Hey, can anyone tell me where
on earth
that man carrying the truce has gone!
He got away from us—he disappeared!
Damn this miserable old age of mine!
[210]
When I was a younger man, I could run
270
with a sack of charcoal across my back
and match the pace of great Phayllus.(42)
Back then this treaty-proposing fellow
would not have easily eluded us,
no matter how swift his feet may be.
Now my legs are stiff. Old Lacratides
[220]
feels heavy in his legs, and the young wretch
outpaces us.(43)
CHORUS MEMBER A
We have to follow him.
We must never let him make fools of us,
and he will, if he manages to escape,
280
even though we Acharnians are old.
CHORUS MEMBER B
O Father Zeus and you gods in heaven,
he has made a truce with our enemies,
men against whom I wish to keep on fighting
this hateful war, because of what they’ve done
to our farmlands. I will not give up
[230]
till I take revenge by piercing their flesh,
like a sharp, painful thorn, driven right in,
up to the hilt, so that they never dare
to trample on my vineyards any more.(44)
290
CHORUS LEADER
Come on, we have to find this wretched man.
Look everywhere—we’ll chase him from one place
to another until we corner him. And then
I’ll never tire of throwing stones at him.
DICAEOPOLIS [calling from
inside his house]
Be silent! Due reverence from all!
CHORUS LEADER
Be quiet—all of you! Did you men hear
that ritual call for silence? That voice
belongs to the very man we’re chasing.
All of you, get out of his way. Hide!
He has surely come to make an offering.
300
[240]
[The Chorus crouch down behind the benches in the assembly space, trying to hide themselves. Dicaeopolis, his young daughter, and the slave Xanthias emerge from the front door of his house. The daughter is carrying a flat tray on her head (on the tray is a bowl); Xanthias is holding a giant phallus. Dicaeopolis starts organizing the group into a small procession. Dicaeopolis’s wife comes out to observe them (she is not part of the procession).]
DICAEOPOLIS
Peace! Be silent! Due
reverence from all!
The basket girl should move up just a bit.
Xanthias, hold the phallus fully erect.
Daughter, put the basket down and we’ll begin.
DAUGHTER
Mother, pass me the ladle so I can drip
the sauce across the flat-cake.
[Dicaeopolis’s wife hands the young girl a ladle. The girl sets down the tray, takes the ladle, uses it to take some sauce from the container on the tray, carefully drips the sauce on the flat-cake, and sets the ladle down on the tray beside the container.]
DICAEOPOLIS
That is good!
[He starts to recite the ritual prayer to Dionysus.]
O lord Dionysus, may you find
the procession and the sacrifice
I and my household offer you
acceptable, so I may celebrate
310
the rural Dionysia
peacefully,
[250]
now that I have no need to fight.
And grant my truce of thirty years
will be good for us and bring success.
[He addresses his daughter as she is placing the tray back on her head.]
Come, my girl, bear the basket gracefully
and with a demure face. Happy the man
who will wed you and beget a litter
of weasel pups, who at
the break of dawn
fart just as much as you do. Let’s be off—
but take care that someone in the crowd
32o
does not grab your jewels and bite them off.(45)
Xanthias, hold the phallus fully upright
behind the basket carrier. I’ll follow,
[260]
singing the Phallic hymn. And you, my wife,
you can watch us from the roof. Off we go!
[The procession marches slowly around the orchestra. Dicaeopolis sings, chants, or recites the Phallic hymn. The wife watches from the house.]
Phales, my partner in ecstatic joys
honouring Bacchus with drink all night long,
you seducer of wives and tender young boys,
six years have passed since I
last sang your song!(46)
How happy I am to be home at my farm,
330
now free from all
worries or going to fight,
and Lamachus, too, with his call to arms,
[270]
thanks to that treaty that made all things right.(47)
Phales, dear Phales, what bliss if I could
creep up on Thratta, that beautiful maid,
Strymodorus’s girl, who works in his wood,
as she’s stealing boughs from a Phelleus glade.(48)
I’d grab her two arms, throw her down double quick,
and harvest her cherry with my throbbing prick.
O Phales, dear Phales, come drinking tonight.
340
Tomorrow at dawn if
our heads feel all right,
with a goblet of wine my truce you’ll invoke,
and my shield I will hang by the hearth in the smoke.
[The Chorus Leader emerges from hiding and calls to the other chorus members.]
CHORUS LEADER
That’s him—the man we’re after. He’s the one!
[280]
Stone him! Stone him! Stone the wretched fellow!
Throw your rocks! Why aren’t you throwing something?
[At this commotion, Xanthias and the daughter rush back into the house. Dicaeopolis retreats to the doorway of his house, then turns to face his attackers. On his way he retrieves the pot of sauce from the daughter’s tray.]
DICAEOPOLIS [holding the pot]
By Herakles, what’s this? You’ll crack my pot!
CHORUS LEADER
We’re throwing stones at you, you filthy pig!
DICAEOPOLIS
But why are you Acharnian old men
stoning me? What’s the reason?
CHORUS LEADER
You ask me that?
350
You stupid fool,
betraying your native land,
you’re the only one of all the citizens
to have made a peace, and now you dare
[290]
confront me face to face?
DICAEOPOLIS
But you have no idea
why I made a truce. Listen to my reasons!
CHORUS LEADER
Listen to you? No! You’re going to die!
We’ll bury you with our stones!
DICAEOPOLIS
All right—
but not until you have heard me out.
My good man, wait!
CHORUS LEADER
No. I’m not going to stop.
Don’t even speak to me. I despise you—
360
even more than I hate Cleon. Someday
[300]
I’m going to cut him into leather strips
to make sandals for the Knights.(49) So no,
I’m not listening to your long speeches,
now you’ve made peace with the Laconians.
Instead I’m going to punish you.(50)
DICAEOPOLIS
My good man,
set the Laconians aside, and consider
whether that truce I made was beneficial.
CHORUS LEADER
How can you use the word beneficial
when the people you have made a truce with
370
do not respect gods,
or faith, or promises?
DICAEOPOLIS
We are too suspicious of Laconians.
They are not the cause of all our problems.
[310]
CHORUS LEADER
Not the cause of all our problems?
You criminal, you dare speak like that
quite openly to me and then want me
to spare you?
DICAEOPOLIS
They are not responsible
for all our problems. Not all of them.
And I’m telling you this: I can prove
how in many ways we have done them wrong.
380
CHORUS LEADER
You’re uttering
blasphemy! What you claim
is tearing at my heart. You dare speak to us
on our enemy’s behalf?
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes I do!
And what is more, if I don’t speak justly
and the people disapprove, I’m prepared
to set my head atop a butcher’s block
and speak from there.
CHORUS MEMBER
Tell me, my Acharnian mates,
why are we not throwing our rocks at him
and covering the man with his own blood,
[320]
till he looks like a scarlet Spartan cloak.
390
DICAEOPOLIS
What black fiery log
has scalded your heart?
You won’t listen to me? You Acharnians
really will not give me a hearing?
CHORUS LEADER
No.
We really really will not listen to you.
DICAEOPOLIS
Then I am being treated most unfairly!
CHORUS MEMBER
Let me die, if I grant you a hearing!
DICAEOPOLIS
Please don’t say that, my dear Acharnians.
CHORUS LEADER
You will die—and very soon!
DICAEOPOLIS
Well, for that
I’ll turn against you and get my revenge
by killing some of your dearest friends.
400
I have inside here
Acharnian hostages—
I’m going to grab them and cut their throats.
[Dicaeopolis goes quickly back into his house.]
CHORUS MEMBER
Fellow Acharnians, what does he mean
by threatening us like this? Does he have
one of our children inside his house?
What’s made him so bold?
[330]
[Dicaeopolis comes out of the house carrying a old battered bucket (or a large shabby basket) with a cloth over the top concealing the contents. In one hand he is holding a large kitchen knife. He sets the bucket down between himself and the Chorus Leader.]
DICAEOPOLIS
Throw stones at me,
if that is what you want. But if you do
I’ll take my revenge on these . . .
[Dicaeopolis whisks the covering from the top of his bucket to reveal lumps of charcoal inside.]
We’ll soon know
if any of you old Acharnians
still has some compassion for his charcoal.
410
CHORUS LEADER [peering into the bucket]
We’re done for! This
bucket of charcoal
comes from my own district! Don’t carry out
what you have in mind—please don’t do it!
DICAEOPOLIS
I am going to kill it. Scream all you like—
I won’t be listening.
CHORUS LEADER
But that bucket
is the same age as me. Surely you won’t kill it,
my dear friend of all the charcoal burners?
DICAEOPOLIS
Just now you would not listen to me
if I spoke to you.
CHORUS LEADER
Well, you can speak now,
if that’s what you want. Tell us the reason
420
you and the Spartans
are such close allies.
I don’t mind. For I’ll never abandon
[340]
this little bucket.
DICAEOPOLIS
All right. But first,
take all the stones out of your pockets.
Dump them on the ground.
[The Chorus empty their pockets.]
CHORUS LEADER
There you go. It’s done.
Now it’s your turn—put your sword away.
DICAEOPOLIS
There still could be stones hidden in your clothes.
CHORUS LEADER
No—they are in the dirt. Can you not see
how I’m shaking my clothes? Don’t play with me—
put your weapon down, now we’ve danced around
430
and twitched our rocks
out—they’re on the ground.
DICAEOPOLIS
I thought that all of you would soon give in—
although these lumps of charcoal from mount Parnes
nearly died, thanks to the sheer stupidity
of their Acharnian friends. This bucket
was so afraid it dumped a stream of coal dust
[350]
all over me, just like a cuttle fish.(51)
It’s a nasty business when the hearts of men
swim in vinegar and they throw stones, shout,
and do not wish to hear of compromise,
440
an equal blending of
two points of view,
not even when I volunteer to place
my head upon a butcher’s block and state
all I have to say in defence of Sparta,
even though I truly cherish my own life.
CHORUS
All right, you fool, drag out a block
and place it there by your front walk.
Then you can give your grand review.
We’re keen to learn your point of view.
CHORUS LEADER
Now follow the form of justice you proposed:
450
set your head on the
chopping block and speak.
DICAEOPOLIS
Here is the block. I am little gifted
as a speaker, but I intend, by Zeus,
to talk about the Lacedaemonians
quite freely and without the protection
of my shield.(52) Nonetheless, I am
afraid.
There are many reasons
for my fear.
[370]
I know the way our country folk behave:
they are overjoyed if some fast-talker comes
and pours out over them and their city
460
his lavish
praises—whether true or false.
They are not aware that in the process
they are being deceived—bought and sold.
I understand how old men think, as well—
the only thing they want to do in juries
is bite the poor defendant with their votes.
I well recall what I went through last year
from Cleon, because of the play I wrote.(53)
He had me hauled up before the Senate
and shouted countless slanders against me—
470 [380]
a torrent of abuse, a
parade of lies,
dragging me through so many muddy fights
I almost died. So please allow me now,
before I speak to you, to dress myself
in a style most likely to draw pity.
CHORUS LEADER
Why these evasions and such long delays?
CHORUS MEMBRS
Put on Hades’s helmet—its black plume
[390]
made of shaggy hair is a fine costume.
This you can borrow from Hieronymus.
And open with the tricks of Sisyphus.(54)
480
But do it quickly and
without delay,
for our discussion must take place today.
DICAEOPOLIS
It’s time for me to show my strength of heart
by paying a visit to Euripides.
[Dicaeopolis walks over to Euripides’ house. He knocks on the door and calls out.](*)
Boy! Boy!
SLAVE [opening the door]
Who is it?
DICAEOPOLIS
Is Euripides at home?
SLAVE
No, he’s not at home and yes he is inside!
You’ll understand if you have sufficient wit.
DICAEOPOLIS
How can he be and not be inside?
SLAVE
Old man, it’s all quite logical. His mind
is not in the house but outside, collecting
490
scraps of poetry. He himself is inside
with his feet up, writing a tragedy.
[400]
DICAEOPOLIS
O thrice blessed Euripides, to possess
a slave with such sophisticated wits.
Summon him here.
SLAVE
That is impossible.
[The Slave shuts the door in Dicaeopolis' face.]
DICAEOPOLIS
[parodying the tragic style]
No
matter. For I shall not leave this place.
No! Instead I shall knock upon the door.
[Dicaeopolis knocks on the door and calls out.]
Euripides . . . my dear little Euripides . . .
Answer me, if ever thou didst reply
to any mortal being. I’m summoning you.
500
I,
Dicaeopolis from Cholleidae.(55)
EURIPIDES [from inside]
I have no time for you.
DICAEOPOLIS
All right, then.
Let the stage machinery wheel you out.
EURIPIDES [from inside]
No, no! Impossible!
DICAEOPOLIS
But nonetheless . . . please.
EURIPIDES [from inside]
All right then, let them roll me outside.
I am too busy to come down below.
[Euripides is pushed into view up high in the house by the stage machinery (the eccyclema).(56) He lying down on a couch, like an invalid or someone with a physical disability.]
DICAEOPOLIS
Euripides . . .
EURIPIDES [in a tragic tone]
Why dost thou cry out?
DICAEOPOLIS
You compose your tragedies lying prone,
[410]
when you could keep your feet upon the ground.
I’m not surprised you like to portray cripples 510
on the stage. And why are you dressed like that—
in those tragic rags? You look pitiful.
No wonder you like to write of beggars.(57)
But on my knees I beg you, Euripides
give me some tattered rags from an old play.
I have to give a long speech to the Chorus,
and if I am not successful, then I die.
EURIPIDES
What sort of rags? The ones Oeneus wore
when he competed for the drama prize,
that pitiful, miserable old man?
520
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not Oeneus. Someone still more wretched.
[420]
EURIPIDES
What about blind Phoenix?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not Phoenix.
Someone else more miserable than him.
EURIPIDES
What kind of ragged clothing does he want?
Do you mean the costume of Philoctetes,
the beggarman?
DICAEOPOLIS
No no. I mean someone
more impoverished than him.
EURIPIDES
What about that cripple Bellerophon?
Do you want his filthy tattered costume?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, not Bellerophon, but a hero
530
who was a crippled beggar and also
very talkative and a glib speaker.
EURIPIDES
I
know the man! It must be Telephus.
[430]
a man from Mysia.
DICAEOPOLIS
Telephus.
Can you please give me his swaddling clothes?
EURIPIDES [to the Slave]
Boy! Give him Telephus’s tattered costume!
It’s lying on top of Thyestes’s rags
under those of Ino.(58)
SLAVE
Here they are. Catch!
[The Slave tosses the clothes to Dicaeopolis, who opens up the bundle and holds up the remnants of a cloak.]
DICAEOPOLIS
‘O Zeus, whose all-piercing eye roams everywhere,’
permit me to dress myself in these rags,
540
the most miserable costume I could find!
[Turning his attention to Euripides.]
Euripides, since you have been so kind,
could you give me the little Mysian cap
to cover my head. It’s such a grand match
for these tattered clothes. ‘Today I must look [440]
just like a beggar—I must act what I am,
yet appear to be someone else.’ The audience
will know the real me, but the Chorus
will stand there like fools, while I dupe them
with some subtle, fast-talking rhetoric.
550
EURIPIDES
I’ll let you have the cap, for your mind
is shrewd and full of subtle tricks.
DICAEOPOLIS
‘Fare thee well—and good luck to Telephus.’
I feel already full of clever talk.
but I still need to have a beggar’s staff.
EURIPIDES [using a grand poetic style]
Have that one. Now take your leave—depart
from my front porch of polished stone.
DICAEOPOLIS [adopting the same tone]
O my heart,
[450]
you see how I am driven from this house,
when I am still in need of so much more.
But now I must persevere, importune,
560
and whine. O Euripides, please give me
a basket with a hole burnt through its base.
EURIPIDES
Why does a wretch like you need wickerwork?
DICAEOPOLIS
I don’t need it, but I want it anyway.
EURIPIDES
You’re such a nuisance. Get out of my house!
DICAEOPOLIS
‘Alas! May you enjoy good fortune,
just as your mother used to do.’(59)
EURIPIDES
It’s time you took your leave of me.
DICAEOPOLIS
But I need you to give me one thing more—
a little cup with the lip broken off.
570
EURIPIDES [handing over the cup]
Take it and be damned! You must realize
[460]
you’re making trouble in my house!
DICAEOPOLIS [aside, in a tragic tone]
By Zeus,
you are not yet cognizant of the harm
you are doing to yourself.(60)
[To Euripides]
My sweetest Euripides,
I
need one thing more. Please let me have
a tiny pot plugged with a sponge.
EURIPIDES [handing over the pot and sponge]
You are stealing my entire tragedy!
Take it, and get out of here.
DICAEOPOLIS
I’m leaving.
But what am I doing? I need one thing more.
If I don’t have it, I will be destroyed!
580
Listen to me, my dear Euripides,
if I can take it, I will go away,
and I will not return. Give me a few herbs,
to put in my wicker basket.
EURIPIDES
You’ll be the death of me!
[470]
You have gutted my entire play!
DICAEOPOLIS
That’s it! No more. I’ll be on my way.
I am too annoying, ‘though I did not
think
the royal master hated me.’
[Dicaeopolis turns and walks away but stops after a few paces.]
O damn and blast!
I’m done for. I’ve forgotten something—
one item essential to this business.
590
O
my dearest and sweetest Euripides,
may I die a nasty death if I ever
ask you again--except for this one thing—
just this one and then nothing more—
give me some parsley from your mother’s cart.
EURIPIDES
The man is insolent! Lock up the house!
[The stage machinery removes Euripides from sight.]
DICAEOPOLIS
[in grand tragic style]
O
my heart, I must leave without the parsley. [480]
Are you aware of the mighty battle
we must soon contest by speaking out
in defence of Lacedaemonians?
600
This is the moment, my heart, to march ahead—
we stand at the line where the race begins.
Do you pause? Did you not feed on Euripides?
[Dicaeopolis takes a few steps down into the orchestra towards the chopping block.]
That’s good! Come on, my palpitating heart,
go there and lay your head down on the block,
and tell them the truth as you perceive it.
Be brave! March on! How I admire my courage!
[Dicaeopolis moves over to the chopping block. The Chorus gathers to confront him.]
CHORUS LEADER
What are you doing? What will you say?
[490]
You are a truly impudent rascal
with a heart of steel—to offer your neck
610
to the city and deliver a speech
attacking what all Athenians think.
But the man is not trembling at the task.
Come on then, you’re the one who wanted this.
So speak!
DICAEOPOLIA
You men witnessing my speech,
do not be angry if I, a poor beggar,
intend to speak before Athenians
about the city and, as I do that,
I will be producing a comic play.(61)
For comic drama can illuminate
620
[500]
what is just and right. The things I’ll say
will shock you, but they will be the truth.
And this time, at least, Cleon will not bring
slanderous charges against me, alleging
I attack Athens in front of foreigners.
For we are by ourselves at the festival
of the Lenaea. In this
crowd there are
no strangers. The
tribute and the soldiers
from the federated
states are not yet here.
Nor are our allies.
Here we are pure wheat—
630
winnowed, free of
chaff. As for the aliens
settled here, I consider them mere bran.(63)
I truly detest Lacedaemonians—
I
wish Poseidon, god of Taenarus, [510]
would shake the earth and bring their houses
crashing down.(64)
For I, too, have had
my vines
vandalized by Spartans. But since those present
and listening to me are friends, I ask
why blame the Spartans for all our troubles?
For some men among us—I do not mean
640
the city; please remember this point:
I am not speaking of our city state—
some pitiful, rascals, with no sense of honour,
cheap swindlers, and counterfeit foreigners
falsely accused people from Megara
of smuggling goods inside their clothing.
If they saw a cucumber or young hare, [520]
a suckling pig, garlic clove, or rock salt,
they cried out “These goods come from Megara,”
then grabbed the stuff, and sold it on the spot.
650
Now, at first this trouble was merely local.
But then some young men playing cottabus
got very drunk, set out for Megara,
and carried off the courtesan Simaetha.(65)
So the Megarians, angered by this act,
got revenge by kidnapping two prostitutes
belonging to Aspasia.(66)
War broke out
over these three strumpets, inundating
all of Greece. Then Olympian
Pericles,
[530]
in his anger, hurled lightning and thunder,
660
and confounded Greece, by passing edicts
written like a doggerel drinking song:(67)
“Megarians are forthwith banned
from the sea and from the land
from the markets where we trade
from any place where deals are made.”
As a result of this, Megarians
gradually began to die of hunger.
So they begged the Lacedaemonians
to repeal the edict we had voted for
670
after that business with the prostitutes.
The Spartans petitioned us many times,
but we refused. And that led to warfare.
You may say the Spartans were to blame,
but what should they have done? Tell me that.(68)
[540]
Suppose a Lacedaemonian sailed his ship
to Seriphos, started a false rumour,
then seized and sold a little puppy dog.(69)
Would you have remained quietly at home?
No, of course not. Instead you would have sent
680
three hundred warships out immediately,
and the city would have been filled with
the confused din of soldiers and loud shouts
around the captains. Men would be getting paid,
Pallas figureheads regilded on the ships,
with huge crowds of people milling about,
measuring grain in the colonades, inspecting
wine skins and oar loops, purchasing jars,
garlic, olives, net bags of onions, chaplets, [550]
anchovies, flute girls with bloody noses
690
and black eyes. The dock would have resounded
to the noise of spars being sculpted into oars,
ships’ pegs being driven into place, oars
being fitted with leather—and music, too,
the sound of flutes, bosuns' whistles, and pipes.
I know that is what you would have done.
Do we think the Spartan would not do the same?(70)
If we do, then we have no common sense.
[In the response to Dicaeopolis’s speech, the Chorus forms two equal groups: those supporting his remarks and those who remain unconvinced. Each of these sections of the Chorus has a leader.]
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A
You wretch! You truly despicable rogue,
you are a beggar and you have the gall
700
to
address us in this way! If there are
one or two informers, why insult us?(71)
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER B
By
Poseidon, what he has said is just.
[560]
No word of what he spoke to us was false.
CHORUS LEADER A
Even if everything he said was true,
did he have a right to say it? He’ll get
no pleasure from such foolhardy speech!
[Chorus Leader A moves to attack Dicaeopolis.]
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER B
Where are you running? Stay where you are!
If you hit this man, you’ll soon be hit yourself.
[There is a brief tussle in which members of Semi-Chorus B catch and hold the leader of Semi-Chorus A.]
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A
O Lamachus with your lightning glance 710
and terrifying Gorgon crest, help me!
O Lamachus, friend and fellow tribesman,
and any of you officers, generals,
or men who storm the walls, come with all speed.
These men have grabbed me by my private parts!
[Enter Lamachus, looking like a parody of a military officer.](72)
LAMACHUS
[in a grandiose manner]
Whence comes that warlike cry I have just heard?
Where must I provide my aid? Where direct
my martial power? Who has roused the Gorgon
from her canvas carrying bag.(73)
DICAEOPOLIS
O Lamachus,
hero of helmet plumes and ambushes!
720
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A
O Lamachus, not long ago this man
was saying foul things about our city.
LAMACHUS
You are a mere beggar, and yet you dare
to use insulting words?
DICAEOPOLIS
O Lamachus,
you hero, have mercy on a beggar
who has been chattering.
LAMACHUS
So inform me.
What have you been saying?
DICAEOPOLIS
I’m not quite sure.
Fear of your weapons has made me dizzy.
[Dicaeopolis points to the Gorgon on the shield.]
I beg you please remove that hideous monster.
LAMACHUS [placing the shield behind him]
There you go.
DICAEOPOLIS
Now place it on the ground face down.
730
LAMACHUS [turning the shield over]
All right.There. It’s done.
DICAEOPOLIS
Give me a feather—
one from your helmet.
LAMACHUS
Here is a feather.
DICAEOPOLIS
Now hold my head while I throw up—the feather
has made my stomach very queasy.
LAMACHUS
How are you going to use this feather—
force yourself to vomit?
DICAEOPOLIS
You call this a feather?
What kind of bird struts around in this? I know—
the chirping yellow-bellied cock sucker!
LAMACHUS [instantly infuriated]
What! I’m going to kill you. [590]
DICAEOPOLIS
No, no, Lamachus,
no need for violence. If you’ve the strength,
740
why not massage my prick?
[Dicaeopolis pulls aside Lamachus’ s cloak to examine his phallus.]
Whoa, I’d say
you’re very well equipped down here.
LAMACHUS
Is this the way a beggar should address
a general?
DICAEOPOLIS
You think I’m a beggar?
LAMACHUS
If not, what are you then?
DICAEOPOLIS
Who am I?
A useful citizen, unambitious,
and, since the war began, a soldier.
You, on the other hand, once war started,
became a wretched well-paid mercenary.
LAMACHUS
I was elected by a show of hands . . .
750
DICAEOPOLIS
Yes, by three cuckoos! This is what disgusts me
and drove me to negotiate a peace.
I see bald heads in among the ranks of men [600]
and young men like you evading service.
Some are in Thrace acting as envoys
and getting three drachmas in daily pay(74)
men like Tisamenophoenippus
and Panurgipparchides. The others
are with Chares or in Chaonia,
young men like Geretotheodorus
760
and Diomialazon; still others
at Camarina, Gela, or Katagela.(75)
LAMACHUS
They were elected!
DICAEOPOLIS
But what’s the reason
all you envoys, one way or another,
always get paid, while working men like these
never get assigned?
[Dicaeopolis turns to members of the Chorus.]
You, Marilades,
you have gray hair and are an older man.
So tell us: Have you ever been assigned
to
serve on a mission or an embassy?
[610]
See, he shakes his head. Yet he’s a prudent,
770
hard-working man. And you, Dracyllus,
Euphorides, and Prinides, do you
have any knowledge of Ecbatana
or Chaonia? . . . All of them say no.
Such appointments are deemed quite suitable
for sons of Caesyra and Lamachus,
who yesterday were loaded d0wn with debt,
and friends were telling them to stand aside,
as people do when tossing out their slops.(76)
LAMACHUS
In the name of our democratic ways,
780
do we have to bear this nonsense?
DICAEOPOLIS
No, of course not—
not unless Lamachus wishes to get paid.(77)
LAMACHUS
But I will always keep on fighting wars
against all the cities of the
Peloponnese.(78)
[620]
I will stir up trouble for them everywhere—
with ships and soldiers and all my power.
[Lamachus exits.
DICAEOPOLIS
I am announcing to all the cities
in the Peloponnese, Megara,
and Boeotia that they can buy and sell
in my market—but not with Lamachus.
790
SEMI-CHORUS LEADER A [moves to Dicaeopolis]
This man here has prevailed in our
debate.
The people’s view of him has been transformed,
and all of us will now endorse his peace.
But let’s change and hear the
parabasis.(79)
[Dicaeopolis exits into his house. The members of the Chorus take off their cloaks and sit facing the audience. The Chorus Leader moves to take centre stage.]
CHORUS LEADER
Since the time our master has been presenting
comic dramas he has never stepped forward
on the stage to praise himself. However,
because he has been slandered by enemies
among Athenians who judge too rashly
and charge him with ridiculing our state 800 [630]
and demeaning its citizens, he now wishes
to defend himself before those Athenians
who can be persuaded to change their minds.
Our worthy poet claims that he has done
many admirable things on your behalf:
he has stopped you being so easily deceived
by foreigner swindlers or finding joy
in flattery and becoming gaping fools.
Earlier, if a foreign ambassador
wanted to mislead you, first he would call you
810
”a
people crowned with violets.” Right away,
as soon as he said that, you all sat up
on the tips of your buttocks. If someone,
appealing to your vanity, said the words
”sleek and shining Athens,” with those words
”sleek” and “shining” he would get what he desired, [640]
because he’d described you as he would sardines.
In doing this, our poet has conferred
many benefits on Athens, like showing
our allied city states how government
820
in a democracy ought to function.
That is why nowadays, when people come
bringing you tribute from those allied cities,
they are eager to see that great poet
who dared to speak to the Athenians
of truth and justice. Stories of his courage
have spread far and wide. The Great King himself,
when questioning the Spartan embassy,
first asked them which of the two rivals
was the greater force at sea. Then he asked
830
which of the two cities was the target
of our comic poet’s frequent satire.
”If they have this man as their counsellor,”
he
said, “these men will become much better
[650]
and will win a triumphant victory.”
That’s the reason the Lacedaemonians
are offering you peace and demanding
you return Aegina—not that they care
about the island, but they wish to steal
your poet.(80)
You must never let him leave,
840
for in his plays he writes of what is just.
He says the many things he teaches you
will make you happy, though he will not use
flattery, bribes, or devious deceit.
He will not be a rogue or sprinkle you
with hyperbolic praise. Instead of that,
he will teach you what is just and right.
CHORUS
So
let Cleon scheme and hatch his plots
[660]
against me, for my allies—right and justice—
will fight my cause, and in our politics
850
you will never see me behave like him—
a poltroon and a sexual deviant.
Come, my glowing Acharnian Muse,
with ardent force of all-powerful fire
like a spark spit from an oak wood coal
stirred by the bellow’s encouraging wind.
Sprats lie there to be broiled on embers,
[670]
slaves shake
olive oil and Thasian pickles
and knead the dough for the barley cakes.(81)
O Muse, inspire a fellow country man 860
with a lusty, tuneful, and rustic song.
CHORUS
We old men, now well advanced in years,
have a complaint to lodge against the city.
We gained so many victories at sea,
we well deserve your care in our old age,
we are treated in a shameful way,
old men hurled into lawsuits, forced to deal
with stripling orators who laugh at us—
[680]
mere nothings, dim-witted, worn out husks.
Poseidon should look after us, but now
870
our only succour is this staff I hold.(82)
When we stand at the dock, thanks to our age
we mutter indistinctly, seeing nothing
in the fog but a faint outline of justice.
The accuser, once he has taken care
to have the younger men support his side,
quickly launches an attack, pleading his case
with glib, well rounded, ready rhetoric.
He
hauls us before the judge, questions us,
and sets verbal traps for us, tormenting,
880
confusing, and agitating the defendant,
a man as ancient as Tithonus, so crushed
with years that he can only mumble.(83)
Convicted and sentenced to pay a fine,
he
totters away, sobs, and through his tears [690]
tells his friends “I leave the court condemned
to spend the cash I need to buy my coffin.”
[The Megarian and Dicaeopolis depart, leaving the Chorus on stage.]
How can this be reasonable? To destroy
an old white-haired man in court proceedings
beside the water clock--a man who often
890
shared our labour and wiped off rivulets
of manly sweat, a man whose excellence
at Marathon saved our city.(84) Back then,
we were the ones who chased our enemies,
and now we are the ones being pursued
[700]
and conquered. What would a young advocate
like Marpsias declaim to counter this?(85)
like Thucydides, should be overwhelmed
by having to grapple with Cephisodemus,
900
the prattling public advocate and lout
from the desert wilderness of Scythia.(86)
I shed tears of pity when I beheld
this old man mistreated by an Archer.(87)
By Demeter, back when Thucydides
was young, he would not have taken lightly
any abuse, even from the goddess Ceres.
No, he would have thrown down ten advocates, [710]
terrified three thousand archers with his shouts.
and with his arrows killed the relatives
910
of the prosecutor’s father. However,
if you cannot let the old sleep in peace,
at least make it a rule that their cases
be treated separately. Let the old man
face a prosecutor who is like himself—
old and toothless. Let the younger men
confront that advocate with a loose arse
and a glib tongue, the son of Clinias.(88)
So in future, if there’s a case of banishment
or penalties, let the old defendants
920
be dealt with by old public advocates,
and younger orators charge younger men.
This spot here is my market place. These stones
define its limits. All Megarians,
all Peloponnesians and Boeotians
[720]
may do business here, as long as they sell
their goods to me and not to Lamachus.
To serve as market clerks I now appoint
these three thick leather straps from Lepreum
selected by a lottery.(89) No informers
930
or men of Phasis may do business here.
The pillar on which the treaty is inscribed
I will have brought here. I shall erect it
in the market place in full public view.
Greetings to this Athenian market,
which all Megarians love!(90)
By lord Zeus,
[730]
god of friendship, I have yearned for you
as I yearn for my own mother.
poor daughters of an unkucky father,
scramble up there and get us food to eat,
940
if you can find any. Listen to me:
I want you to think about your bellies.
Which of these choices do you two prefer—
to be sold or to be sick from hunger?
To be sold, to be sold!
That’s my view, as well.
But who would be fool enough to buy you—
on the face of it a poor investment.
But I do have a Megarian trick.
I’ll disguise you both as little piglets
and say I’m bringing you to market. 950
you'
I tell you, by Hermes, if I am compelled
to take you home unsold, you will suffer
from savage hunger. So put on these snouts
and stuff yourselves inside this sack. Remember
to grunt and to make little piggy sounds—
like sacrificial piglets at the Mysteries.(91)
I’ll announce that you’re for sale. But hang on!
Where’s Dicaeopolis?
Do you want to buy some little piglets?
What’s this? A man
from Megara?
[750]
I have come to trade in the marketplace.
How are things in Megara?
We sit by our fires
and starve.
By Zeus, to sit by a fire
is pleasant with a flute player present.
But what else is happening nowadays
in Megara?
Things are what they are.
When I was leaving to come to market,
the city council were trying to find
970
a way of killing us off as quickly
and brutally as possible.
If that’s the case,
you’ll soon be rid of all your troubles.
That’s true.
What else is new in Megara?
How’s the price of grain?
We value it
as highly as we do the gods themselves.
Are you bringing salt?
Don’t you Athenians
[760]
supplies of salt?
What about garlic?
What do you mean garlic? You Athenians,
when you attack us, you’re just like field mice.
980
You use your weapons to dig up the ground
and then root out every clove of garlic.
What do you bring, then?
I’m bringing sows
like those they offer at the mysteries.(92)
Good! Show them to me.
They’re real beauties.
DICAEOPOLIS
What is this?
It’s clearly a sow.
A pig?
Where does this “pig” come from?
From Megara.
Is this not a pig?
No, I don’t think so.
Well, isn’t this strange? You have to wonder 990 [770]
at this man’s incredulity!
if you’re willing, I’ll make a bet with you
for a measure of garlic-flavoured salt
that this here in proper Greek is called
a sow and nothing else.
But one that belongs
to the human species.
Yes, naturally,
by Diocles, it belongs to me.
Whose do you think it is? Would you like
to hear them squeal?
Yes, by the gods, I would.
Make a sound, little piggy, and quickly.
1000
You don’t want to make a sound? Are you dumb,
you disgusting, good-for-nothing little sow?
By Hermes, I’m going to take you home.
GIRL
Wee. wee. wee!
[780]
MEGARIAN
Is that a little sow, or not?
DICAEOPOLIS
Well, it seems to be a piglet. But in time
it will grow into a fine breeding sow.
MEGARA
You know that in five years it will look
just like its mother.
DICAEOPOLIS
But this little piggy
is not suitable for sacrifice.
MEGARIAN
Why not? Why unsuitable?
DICAEOPOLIS
Because it has no tail.(93)
That’s because it is too young. When it grows
into full piggyhood it will have a tail—
long, thick, and red.
for fattening, this one here’s a good one.
This sow looks just like the other one.
They come from the same father and mother.
Let them fatten up and grow their bristles,
and they’ll be the finest sows you could offer
in a sacrifice to goddess Aphrodite.
But we don’t offer sows to Aphrodite,
No sows for Aphrodite! That goddess
is the only one they’re offered up to!
The flesh of these sows will taste its finest
once they have been skewered on a spit.
Are they old enough to suck things on their own?
Do they still need their mother?
Not at all.
For that they no longer need their mother—
or their father.
What are their favourite foods?
They eat whatever is given to them.
Ask them yourself.
Hey, little piggy wiggie.
Do you like to eat chick peas?(94)
Wee, wee, wee.
What about early figs?
Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee!
Their squealing is so keen
at the very mention of the word “figs.”
Will they eat them? Good heavens, what a noise
their munching makes. Almighty Herakles,
what country do these little pigs come from?
They look as if they come from Hungary.
They didn’t gobble down all the figs—
I managed to snatch up one of them.
[810]
By Zeus, they make a very pretty pair.
How much do you want for both of them?
Tell me.
I will give you one of them
for a rope of garlic, and the other,
if you want her, for a pound of salt.
I’ll buy them both from you. Wait right here.
It’s a deal. O Hermes, god of trading,
grant that I may sell my wife and mother
on the same generous terms as these!
1050
INFORMER
Hey fellow, what country do you come from?
I am a pig merchant from Megara.
All right then, I am denouncing your pigs
as illegal goods--and you, as well.
[820]
Here we go again,
the decree that’s caused us all our troubles!
It’s that Megarian dialect of yours—
that’s what you should blame. Let go the sack!
Dicaeopolis!
Dicaeopolis! I am being denounced!!
By whom? Who has been informing on you?
Clerks of the market, get these informers 1060
out of here!
without a source of light?
Am I not allowed
to denounce our enemies?
You should watch out!
Why don’t you piss off out of here right now
and do your informing somewhere else!
What a plague these informers are in Athens!
Not to worry, my Megarian friend.
[830]
Here’s payment for your two little piggies—
garlic and salt. Farewell and happy times!
Ah, we don’t have happy times in Megara.
Well then, may that inappropriate wish
apply to me!
My dear little sows,
with your father far away, you must try
to munch your bread with salt, if anyone
will give you some.
Dicaeopolis
is
living a truly rich man’s dream.
Did you notice
how every original scheme
works out as he
wishes. Seated at his ease,
he earns a good money from his market fees.
If informers like Ctesias
should ever come
1080
they'll shriek from the pain
way up
the bum.(95)
You will
not be cheated in bargaining here
or observe filthy
Prepis wiping his rear.
Cleonymus never will bump into you,
as you stroll around in a tunic brand new,
and foolish
Hyperbolus you’ll never see,
polluting all justice with his sophistry.(96)
In this market
square you won’t have to greet
those unwelcome
rascals you see on the street—
that Cratinus
fool with his hair razor cut
1090
like a bad husband who's
screwing a slut,
or maestro
Artemo, a man whose arm pit,
just like his
father’s, always stinks of goat shit.(97)
That scoundrel Pauson won’t slander your name,
trying to make
you feel outrage and shame,
nor that wretch
Lysistratus, Cholargos’s curse
in this market
show off his corruption and worse.
always hungry and cold, with blasphemous ways,
He mooches each month for a mere thirty days.(98)
BOEOTIAN
By Hercules, my shoulder is
really sore.
Ismenias, take care with that
penny-royal,
set it down gently. And you
musicians,
men of Thebes, stick those bone
flutes of yours
into the dog’s arse and play us a
tune.(99)
[The musicians start playing very badly. Dicaeopolis comes out of his house.]
DICAEOPOLIS [yelling at the musicians]
Stop this! To the crows with
you! You wasps,
piss off from my home! Where
did they come from,
these wretched scoundrel
sons of Charis,
playing their droning
bagpipes outside my door.
BOEOTIAN
Ah, by Iolaus, drive those
fellows off,
my dear host.(100)
That would
truly please me. 1110
They’ve been playing behind
me all the way
from Thebes and have
stripped the blossoms
from my penny-royal. But if
you’re in the mood, [870]
would you like to buy
anything from me?
I have chickens and locusts
and . . .
DICAEOPOLIS [interrupting]
Ah, welcome,
Boeotian friend, eater of
griddle cakes,
What have you brought?
BOEOTIAN
All the finest goods
Boeotia offers: marjoram,
penny-royal,
rush mats, wicks, ducks,
jays, francolins,
coots, wrens, divers . . .
DICAEOPOLIS [interrupting]
A winter storm of birds—
1120
fowl weather blowing them to
market.
BOEOTIAN
. . . geese, hares, foxes,
moles, hedgehogs, cats,
martens, otters, and eels
from lake Copais.
[880]
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah, you bring the tastiest
of all fish
known to mortal men. Let me
pay tribute
to those eels of yours, if
you have any.
[The Boeotian rummages through his pile of goods and produces an eel.]
BOEOTIAN
O you, the eldest of my
fifty maidens—
virgin nymphs from lake
Copais—come out
and make our host a happy
man.
DICAEOPOLIS [peering at the eel]
O my dearest love, I have
long yearned for you.
1130
How you make the comic
chorus sigh,
you, who are true love of
Morychus.(101)
Slaves, bring the stove out
here and the bellows.
Look at this, my children,
the finest eel,
who has come to us after six
long years
[890]
of waiting. Children, you
should speak to it.
To honour our guest, I will
provide the coal.
Take it inside.
[He speaks directly to the eel.]
If you are to be stewed with beets
then death shall never come
between us.
BOEOTIAN
What do I receive in return as payment?
1140
DICAEOPOLIS
It will pay the market dues you owe me.
But if you wish to sell some of the rest,
then speak up.
BOEOTIAN
I wish to sell everything.
DICAEOPOLIS
Tell me how much you want? Or do you wish
to take some goods from here back home?
BOEOTIAN
I do.
I’d take some Athenian goods—those things
we in Boeotia do not produce ourselves.
[900]
DICAEOPOLIS
Then you should purchase some Phaleric sprats
or pottery or . . .
BOEOTIAN
Sprats or pottery?
We have these things. What I am looking for
1150
are things we lack but you have in abundance.
DICAEOPOLIS
I have just what you want. Why not take back
an informer, packed up like crockery.
BOEOTIAN
By the twin gods, if I took one back home
I could earn a tidy profit from a man
full of mischief and lots of monkey tricks.(102)
[Enter Nicarchus, an informer.]
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah ha! Here comes Nicarchus to denounce you.
BOEOTIAN
He’s not very tall.
DICAEOPOLIS
Every inch is nasty.
NICARCHUS
This merchandise—who does it belong to?
[910]
BOEOTIAN
It’s mine—from Thebes, as Zeus is my witness.
1160
NICARCHUS
I denounce it as enemy contraband.
BOEOTIAN
What’s wrong with you? Why are you waging war
and fighting against my birds?
NICHARCHUS
I’ll denounce you as well.
BOEOTIAN
How have I harmed you?
NICARCHUS
For the sake of our audience
I’ll explain: you are importing lamp wicks
from an enemy state.
DICAEOPOLIS
You’re denouncing him
for a candle wick?
NICARCHUS
It only takes one wick
to burn the dockyard down.
DICAEOPOLIS
Destroy the dockyard
with a single wick?
NICARCHUS
That’s right.
DICAEOPOLIS
But how?
NICARCHUS
Well, a Boeotian could attach the wick
1170
[920]
to a beetle’s wing, light it, and send it
into the dockyard through a water pipe
when a strong north wind is blowing.
If fire reached the ships, it would quickly
incinerate the dockyard.
DICAEOPOLIS [attacking Nicarchus]
You idiot!
Everything destroyed by a beetle and a wick?
[Dicaeopolis starts hitting Nicarchus with his strips of leather.]
NICARCHUS [appealing to the Chorus]
You are witnesses how he’s abusing me!
DICAEOPOLIS
Gag his mouth and give me some straw. I need
to pack him like a piece of pottery,
so he does not get broken up transit.
1180
[Dicaeopolis begins to package Nicarchus for his trip to Boeotia, by wrapping tape all around him, so that he looks like a mummy.]
CHORUS
Take the greatest of care as you wrap up this
gnome,
so the contents don’t crack as our friend travels
home.
DICAEOPOLIS
I will take good care—he’s already so flawed
his note rings quite false and offends every god
CHORUS LEADER
What kind of use will he find for this crock?
[940]
Its constant chatter fills the house with its
squawk.
DICAEOPOLIS
It’s an all-purpose vessel for mixing foul acts,
a mortar for law suits, a lamp to spy traps,
and a cup where one poisons all relevant facts.
And my excellent friend, this vessel won’t wear,
1190
it never will break, if you hang it with care—
the feet at the top, the head swinging in air.
CHORUS LEADER [to the Boeotian]
You’re all set now—things are looking good!
BOEOTIAN
Well, I intend to reap a splendid harvest.
CHORUS LEADER
Farewell my fine friend. Take this informer
with you and hurl him wherever you wish— [950]
where you pile all the other sycophants.
DICAEOPOLIS
Preparing this rascal was bloody hard work.
Here, my Boeotian friend, load up your vessel.
[Dicaeopolis hands the bound up Nicarchus over to the Boeotian, who passes the bundle onto his slave.]
BOEOTIAN
Hey Ismenias, bend down and take this
1200
on your shoulder. Carry it back like this.
[The Boeotian arranges the bound up Nicarchus on the back of his slave Ismenius.]
Be sure to carry it the right way up.
DICAEOPOLIS
What you’re taking is not worth very much,
but this freight will make you a fine profit.
Dealing with informers will bring you luck.
[The Boeotian and Ismenias leave, returning to Boeotia with the 'packaged' Nicarchus.]
A SERVANT OF LAMACHUS [calling out as he enters]
Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
What is it?
Why are you calling me?
SERVANT OF LAMACHUS
It’s Lamachus—
he wishes to observe the Feast of Cups
[960]
and ordered me to offer you one drachma
for some thrushes and three drachmas 1210
for an eel from lake Copais.(103)
DICAEOPOLIS
Who is he,
this Lamachus who wants to buy an eel?
SERVANT OF LAMACHUS
The terrible bearer of a bull’s eye shield,
who likes to brandish his Gorgon’s head
and the three plumes covering his helmet.
DICAEOPOLIS
No, he’ll not get anything, not even
if he offers me his shield. Let him shake
those plumes of his above some salted fish.
If he comes here and starts to make a fuss,
I’ll appeal to the the clerks of the market.
1220
But now, I’ll take these goods for myself
and go back home, ‘flying on the wings
[970]
of a blackbird and a thrush.’
[Dicaeopolis returns to his house, and the Servant of Lamachus leaves to go back to Lamachus.]
CHORUS
You see, all you citizens of Athens,
you see how prudent and intelligent
this man is. Thanks to a truce he made,
he has imported all these goods we find
useful in the home and
pleasant to eat hot.
All the finest things come to him on their own.
I will never welcome into my house
1230
the god of war, nor will he ever sing
that song “Harmodius” in my presence,
[980]
as he lies blind drunk across the table.
He's an abusive sot, who rushes in
with a company of happy revellers
enjoying all sorts of delightful things,
and brings with him nothing but disaster—
he knocks things over, spills wine, and fights.
I often called on him to settle down:
”Why not sit here, and take this cup of wine
1240
as a mark of friendship.” But he still burned
our vineyard poles and, what is much worse,
forcibly poured out all the wine we had.
This man, on the other hand, takes good care
to serve a sumptuous dinner and then,
proud of what he’s done, scatters these feathers
before his door to show us how he lives.
[The naked figure of the goddess of Peace and Reconciliation appears from on
high and descends to the top of Dicaeopolis’s house]
O peaceful Reconciliation, companion
of fair Aphrodite and the loving Graces
we little knew the beauty of your face! 1250
[990]
Would that Eros, with flowers in his hair—
the way he is depicted in
that painting—
might seize the two of us, you and me,
and bring us together in happy union.
Perhaps you think I am too old for you,
but I fancy I could still embrace you
and tumble you three times—first, I would plant
a long row of vines, and then, beside them,
some fresh tender shoots of fig, and thirdly,
a row of cultivated grapes. Old as I am,
1260
there will be olive trees in
every field,
so that we'll always have supplies of oil
to rub across our skin at each new moon.
[Exit the goddess of Peace and Reconciliation. Enter a Herald.]
HERALD
Listen, you people! As was the custom
[1000]
with your ancestors, when the trumpet sounds,
drink down a pitcher full of wine. The man
who drains his first will receive a wine skin
as plump and full as fat Ctesiphon.
DICAEOPOLIS
You slaves and women, are you not listening?
What are you doing? Did you not hear
1270
the herald? Hop to it! Let the hares braise
and roast! Keep them turning and then remove
them from the spit! Get the garlands ready!
Bring me the skewers to impale the birds.
CHORUS LEADER
I envy your fine judgment, my good man,
and especially this feast you set before us.
[1010]
DICAEOPOLIS
What about when you see the birds roasting?
CHORUS
Ah yes, you are so right about the birds!
DICAEOPOLIS [to a slave]
Stir up the fire!
CHORUS
What a fine cook he is!
He understands well how to prepare
1280
a delicious feast in his own home.
[Enter Dercetes, a poor farmer in great distress.]
DERCETES
Alas! Alas! I am so unfortunate!
DICAEOPOLIS
By Herakles, who is this?
DERCETES
A most unhappy man!
DICAEOPOLIS
Keep your miserable feelings to yourself.
DERCETES
Ah, my dear friend, you alone are at peace.
[1020]
Give me a portion of your truce, even if
it’s only for five years.
DICAEOPOLIS
What’s wrong with you?
DERCETES
I’m done for. I’ve lost a pair of oxen.
DICAEOPOLIS
How did you do that?
DERCETES
The Boeotians—
they took them from me at Phyle.(104)
1290
DICAEOPOLIS
O you poor miserable wretch of triple sorrows!
But in those white clothes, you’re not in mourning.
DERCETES
By Zeus, all their cowshit was my source of cash.
DICAEOPOLIS
What is it, then, you need me to do?
DERCETES
Weeping for my oxen has ruined my eyes.
If you have any sympathy for me,
Dercetes of Phyle, then spread your peace
like an ointment under both my eyelids.
DICAEOPOLIS
But my poor fellow, I’m not a healer.
DERCETES
Come, I implore you. Perhaps there’s a chance
1300
I can get my two oxen back.
DICAEOPOLIS
It’s not possible.
You should go and tell your troubles
to the followers of healer Pittalus.
DERCETES
Just one drop of peace—poured into this reed!
DICAEOPOLIS
No not even the tiniest drop. Go away!
Do your weeping somewhere else.
DERCETES
O dear! Alas for my two little oxen.
[Dercetes exits]
CHORUS
This man has found sweet enjoyment in peace.
I do not think he’ll share with anyone.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pour some honey over the sausages,
1310
and fry the cuttle fish.
CHORUS
Did you hear
his voice?
Such a loud commanding tone!
DICAEOPOLIS
And broil the eels.
CHORUS
You are killing me with hunger, and your smoke
and are shouting our neighbours.
DICAEOPOLIS
Fry this and make sure it’s nicely browned.
[Enter a Best Man holding a plate with some meat and a jar on it.]
BEST MAN [calling]
Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
Who are you? What’s your name?
BEST MAN
A bridegroom at his marriage banquet
[1050]
sends you this plate of meat.
DICAEOPOLIS
Whoever he is
he has my thanks!
BEST MAN
And in return for the meat
he asks you to pour into this jar a dram
1320
of peace, so he will not have to fight
but can stay at home screwing his young wife.
DICAEPOLIS
Take back the meat. Do not give it to me.
Take it back. I would not pour out a dram
not for a thousand drachmas.
[Enter a bridesmaid.]
Who is this?
BEST MAN
She is the bridesmaid. She has to speak to you
in private. It’s a message from the bride.
DICAEOPOLIS
Come then. What do you have to say to me.
[The Bridesmaid whispers the message in Dicaeopolis’s ear.]
O by the gods, that request makes me laugh!
The bride wishes to stay at home holding 1330
[1060]
her husband’s cock .Come, fetch my peace treaty.
To her alone I will give some, for she
is a woman and did not cause this war.
Here, my dear, hold out your vial.
[Dicaeopolis pours some peace into the vial.]
There you go.
Do you know how to apply the
liquid?
Tell the bride this: whenever they draw up
a list of soldiers, she should rub some of this
at night on her husband’s penis. Now, slave,
take away the truce. Fetch the jugs of wine,
so I can fill up all the drinking bowls.
1340
CHORUS LEADER
Someone’s coming. He looks very worried—
as if he's weighed down with terrible news.
[1070]
[Enter HERALD A]
HERALD A
O more toil and fighting!
[Herald A goes up to Lamachus’s house and shouts.]
Lamachus!
LAMACHUS [from within]
Who is making such noise around my home
and its brass ornaments?
HERALD A
Our generals
have ordered you to take your troops and plumes
with all speed today and march through the snow
to guard the passes. For they have just learned
that some Boeotian bandits will invade
around the time of the Feast
of Cups.
1350
LAMACHUS
Ah, the generals. They are more numerous
than useful. Is it not monstrous that I
cannot stay to enjoy the celebrations?
DICAEOPOLIS
An army with the spirit of Lamachus!
LAMACHUS
You wretch! Are you still laughing at me?
DICAEOPOLIS
Are you keen to fight this four-winged Geryon?(105)
LAMACHUS
Alas! What a message that herald brought!
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah ha! There is another herald running here.
What message has he got for me?
[Enter Herald B out of breath from running.]
HERALD B
Dicaeopolis!
DICAEOPOLIS
What is it?
HERALD
Grab your basket and your cup
1360
as quick as you can, and come to the feast.
The priest of Dionysus has sent for you.
But you have to get a move on. Hurry!
They have been waiting a long
while to eat.
Everything is ready--couches, tables, cushions,
[1090]
coverings, garlands, perfume, prostitutes,
finely baked flat cakes, muffins, layer cakes,
and dancing girls who are so beautiful
in that “Dearest Harmodius” song and dance.
So come on--as quicky as you can!
LAMACHUS
Damn it—
1370
it’s just my bad luck!
DICAEOPOLIS
That’s because you chose
as your patron the great Gorgon’s head.
Slave, shut the door, and get someone
to set out our dinner.
LAMACHUS
Slave! Slave! Bring out
the sack for my provisions.
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave! Slave! Bring out
a hamper for my dinner.
[The Slaves appear with the sack and the hamper, and they continue through this scene to bring what their masters demand, rushing to and fro into and out of the appropriate houses.]
LAMACUS [to his Slave]
Get salt, my lad,
and thyme . . . and an onion,
DICAEOPOLIS [to his Slave]
A slice of fish for me.
[1100]
I’m not fond of onions.
LAMACHUS
Boy, fetch me
some dried fish wrapped in stale fig leaves.
DICAEOPOLIS
Fetch me some fatty meat in a fig leaf.
1380
I’ll cook it here.
LAMACHUS
Bring me two plumes from my helmet.
DICAEOPOLIS
Bring me some thrushes and
wild pigeon.
LAMACHUS
These ostrich plumes—so white and beautiful.
DICAEOPOLIS
The flesh from this pigeon is so well cooked—
it’s delicious.
LAMACHUS [to Dicaeopolis]
Listen to me, old man,
stop trying to make fun of my weapons.
DICAEOPOLIS
My dear fellow, please cease watching my birds.
LAMACHUS
Bring me the case for my triple plumes.
DICAEOPOLIS
Bring me the small of bowl full of rabbit stew.
[1110]
LAMACHUS
The moths have been eating my helmet plumes.
1390
DICAEOPOLIS
And I have been eating my stew before dinner.
LAMACHUS
My dear fellow, would you please refrain
from speaking to me?
DICAEOPOLIS
I’m not speaking to you.
I am arguing with my slave.
[Dicaeopolis turns to the Slave]
Well then,
do you want to make a bet? We’ll leave it
to Lamachus to resolve: which of these two—
a locust or a thrush—is the best to eat?
LAMACHUS
You impudent rascal!
DICAEOPOLIS
He much prefers the locust.
LAMACHUS
Slave, take down my spear and bring it here.
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave, pick up the sausage and bring it here.
1400
LAMACHUS
Come, let me pull my spear from it cover.
Now, my boy, hold this spear firmly.
[1120]
DICAEOPOLIS
And you, my lad, hang onto this skewer.
LAMACHUS
Boy, bring out the stand for my shield.
DICAEOPOLIS [to his Slave]
That loaf of bread—
bring it out here, hot from the oven.
LAMACHUS
Bring my round shield with the Gorgon’s head.
DICAEOPOLIS
And bring me some of my circular cheese cake.
LAMACHUS
Is this not what men consider sheer insolence?
DICAEOPOLIS
Is this not what men consider sweet cheese cake?
LAMACHUS
Pour some oil on the shield. In the bronze
1410
I can see an old man who will be charged
for shirking his military duties.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pour out some honey. In here one can see
[1130]
an old man telling Lamachus—the man
with the Gorgon’s head—to weep with sorrow.
LAMACHUS
Slave, bring out my full body armour.
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave, fetch my armour--a full drinking cup
LAMACHUS [putting on his breastplate]
With this I am armed against my enemies.
DICAEOPOLIS [waving his drinking cup]
With this I am armed against my fellow drinkers.
LAMACHUS
Slave, strap the mattress onto the shield.
1420
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave, strap the dinner into the basket.
LAMACHUS
I’ll carry my knapsack myself.
DICAEOPOLIS
I’ll get my cloak and then we’ll be off.
LAMACHUS
Slave, pick up the shield and
take it outside.
Let’s get going. Good heavens, it’s snowing.
This is going to be a wintery business.
DICAEOPOLIS
Pick up the food. We have a
party to attend.
CHORUS [to Lamachus]
Good luck to you both in your campaigns,
as you leave on your differing journeys—
one to stand guard and freeze in the snow,
1430
the other to carouse in a flowery crown,
and lie down to sleep with a tender young maid,
who’ll massage his cock and make sure he gets laid.
To speak from the heart, may Zeus do away
[1150]
with Antimachus, who spits and splutters
and writes useless verse. As chorus leader,
last year at the Lenaea he
dismissed me
without a dinner. Let me observe him
craving a squid already cooked and hot,
as it is set out on a tray and moves,
1440
like a ship approaching shore, towards him,
he stretches out his
hand to reach for the tray
but a dog seizes the
squid and scampers away.
[1160]
That is one disaster I hope happens to him
but I also hope he has trouble at night.
As he returns in a sweat from riding his horse
may he meet an Orestes crazy from drink,
who bashes his head,
so he has to stoop
to pick up a stone, but, confused
in the dark,
he scoops up a turd, just recently dumped, 1450
[1170]
runs at Orestes, lets fly
with the shit
but misses—and it’s Cratinus
who's hit.(106)
[Enter Lamachus's Slave.]
SLAVE OF LAMACHUS [rushing to Lamachus’s house]
You slaves of Lamachus inside the house,
we need water--some water warmed up
in a little pot! Get lint and ointment,
some greasy wool, and an ankle splint.(107)
The man was hurt trying to leap a ditch—
he hit a pointed stake,
twisted his foot,
strained the joint, and then fell on a stone
[1180]
and cracked his head. His Gorgon roused herself
1460
flew off his shield, and his splendid plumage
rolled down onto the rocks. As he saw this
the hero gave out a dismal groan and said,
"O radiant eye of heaven, I am now
gazing upon thee for the very last time.
I am losing my light. I now cease to be.”
That said, he falls back into the water,
gets up again, meets some runaway slaves,
and chases some robbers with his spear.
But here he is. Open up the doors.
1470
[Enter Lamachus, walking with difficulty and assisted by two slaves.]
LAMACHUS
O careful, careful! Ahhh, this dreadful pain!
[1190]
What wretched suffering! That enemy spear
has wounded me, and I am done for.
But what would be even more disastrous
is Dicaeopolis seeing me wounded
and making fun of my misfortunes.
[Enter Dicaeopolis with two Courtesans. He is inebriated.]
DICAEOPOLIS
O careful, careful! What splendid breasts!
As firm as a quince! O my golden treasures,
give me some of your
spit-swapping kisses,
for I was the first to drain my wine cup!
1480
LAMACHUS
What miserable luck! All my suffering.
Ah, these painful wounds.
DICAEOPOLIS
Ha, ha! Greetings,
little horseman Lamachus!
LAMACHUS
I am cursed!
Why do you irritate me so much
DICAEOPOLIS [to one of the Courtesans]
Why are you kissing me
so much?
LAMACHUS
I am a wretched mess—in a bad way.
[1210]
That charge of mine came at a heavy cost.
DICAEOPOLIS
You mean you were charged for
the Feast of Jars?
1490
LAMACHUS
O Apollo, a healer! a healer—please.
DICAEOPOLIS
Today is not the feast of Apollo.
LAMACHUS
Hold onto my legs . . . that hurts. My friends,
help support me.
DICAEOPOLIS
My dears, why don’t you both
grab hold of my cock, here in the middle,
LAMACHUS
That blow from the stone has
made me dizzy—
I’m blacking out.
DICAEOPOLIS
And I’m dying to go to bed
[1220]
My cock is full, and I ready
to unload!
LAMACHUS
Carry me off to the healer Pittalus.
DICAEOPOLIS
Take me to the judges! Where is he--
the king of the feast? Give me the wineskin!
LAMACHUS
A spear has pierced me to the very bone.
1500
It’s agony!
DICAEOPOLIS
You see this empty
jug—
I am victorious!
CHORUS LEADER
Hurrah for you, old man.
I answer your call—Hurrah for the victor!
DICAEOPOLIS
I filled up my cup with unmixed wine
and drained it—all in one gulp!
CHORUS
You are now victorious,
a worthy champion! Take the wineskin!
[1230]
DICAEOPOLIS
Follow me and sing ‘Hurrah for the Victor!’
CHORUS
Yes, we will follow, all singing in honour of you
and your wineskin, “Hail, Hail to the Victor!”
ENDNOTES
(1) The name Dicaeopolis means “a citizen who is just.” [Back to Text]
(2) Cleon was an important pro-war political figure in Athens (though no favourite of Aristophanes). He had accepted a bribe of five talents from some of Athens’s allies, on condition that he would get the tribute they had to pay to Athens reduced. The Knights, a group of aristocratic young men, forced him to pay back the money. One talent was a considerable sum of money. [Back to Text]
(3) Aeschylus was a major Athenian tragic dramatist, whose plays continued to be performed after his death (in 455 BC). Theognis was, by contrast, an inferior poet. Diaeopolis’s approval of Aeschylus is an indication of his traditional conservative values. [Back to Text]
(4) Moschus was a musician whom Aristophanes frequently ridicules. [Back to Text]
(5) Chaeris was an inferior musician, often satirized by Aristophanes. [Back to Text]
(6) The Pnyx was a hill where the assemblies were held. In the staging of the play that would be the orchestra, the area in front of and below the main stage, which Dicaeopolis is looking at and perhaps pointing to. A rope covered with red ocre dye was used to round up citizens who were late for the assembly. The dye on their clothes would indicate their tardiness and lead to a fine. [Back to Text]
(7) Because the Spartan army periodically invaded Athenian territory, the country people had moved into Athens, where they were safely behind the city walls. [Back to Text]
(8) The “consecrated section” was an area of the best seating, which had previously been sprinkled with pig’s blood in honour of the goddess Ceres. [Back to Text]
(9) I have added the word “godly” in order to clarify the dialogue which follows. The name Amphitheus means “from gods on both sides.” That hint provokes the Herald to ask if he is a mortal man. Some translators change Amphitheus’s name to make that clear (e.g., Godson, or Godly, and so on). Alternatively, Amphiarus could be so oddly dressed that the Herald does not know whether he is looking at a man or woman and thus asks “Are you not a man?” In that case, the word “godly” would be unnecessary. [Back to Text]
(10) Phaenerete was the name of Socrates’s mother; she was said to be a midwife. Paley suggests that Aristophanes may be making fun of Socrates here (especially his low birth). [Back to Text]
(11) The guards, who served as the city police in Athens, were from Scythia and were called “Sythian Archers” or “Archers.” [Back to Text]
(12) The Great King was the emperor of Persia. The Greek does not have the word “Great” here, but it does a few lines further on. [Back to Text]
(13) Ecbatana, a city in western Iran, was the summer residence of the Great King. [Back to Text]
(14) Paley notes that a wage of two drachmas a day was not very much money. However, Euthymenes was the chief magistrate (or Archon) eleven years earlier. Thus the amount of money the Ambassador is claiming is significant. [Back to Text]
(15) Dicaeopolis is refering to his military service defending Athens when the Spartan army invaded Attica (the area around Athens). [Back to Text]
(16) The ancient Greeks normally drank wine mixed with water. Unmixed wine would be an uncommon luxury. [Back to Text]
(17) Cranaus, a legendary figure, was tradionally the second king of Athens. [Back to Text]
(18)
Cleonymus was an Athenian general who was
apparently very tall. He is a frequent satiric target of Arisophanes.]
[Back to Text]
(19) The Great King’s Eye was a very senior Persian official who reported back to the king anything he thought was important for the well being of the Persian empire. [Back to Text]
(20) It is clear that this actor wears a distinctive comic mask with one huge (and distorted?) eye in the middle of his face, like a cyclops. [Back to Text]
(21) Ships often had eyes painted on the sides near the front of the vessel. [Back to Text]
(22) This detail is continuing the comparison of the King’s Eye to a ship. The leather flap covered the holes where the oars were situated in order to keep water out of the ship. [Back to Text]
(23) The term “barbarian” refers to those peoples who do not speak Greek. The word Ionians refers to the Athenians here. The Persians called all Greeks Ionians. [Back to Text]
(24) The Greek text uses the term medimni (a Persian measure with no exact equivalent in English) to indicate the amount of gold. I have substituted the word bars. [Back to Text]
(25) This threat presumeably means that he will beat Pseudaratbas so badly that his entire body will be purple with bruises. Sardis, a town in Asia Minor, was famous for its purple dyes. [Back to Text]
(26) Cleisthenes was a very effeminate Athenian. He is one of Aristophanes’s favourite satiric targets. Straton was an effeminate contemporary of Cleisthenes. [Back to Text]
(27) Eunuchs by reputation were clean shaven. Hence, having a beard would defeat the purpose of pretending to be one. [Back to Text]
(28) The Pyrtaneum was the building in which the governing Council entertained important dignitaries at public expense. [Back to Text]
(29) Sitalces was king of Thrace, to the north of Greece. [Back to Text]
(30) Theognis was an inferior playwright. The logic here is that his plays were so lacking emotion (i.e. so cold) that they affected the weather in Thrace. [Back to Text]
(31) Apaturia was a three-day Athenian feast held late in the year (November). [Back to Text]
(32) Dicaeopolis senses that Theorus is out to swindle the Athenians. [Back to Text]
(33) Boeotia, a region closer to Athens than Thrace, was an ally of Sparta during the war. A wage of two drachmas a day would be considerably more generous that what most of the sailors in the Athenian warships earned. [Back to Text]
(34) The “top tier oarsmen” rowed on the top row of three (usually). Walsh suggests that they were paid more because their work was more difficult than on the lower tiers. The point is that even the best paid oarsmen in the Athenian fleet would grumble if they heard other troops were getting two drachmas a day. [Back to Text]
(35) Athenians fed garlic to their fighting cocks in the belief that it made them fight more fiercely. [Back to Text]
(36) The drop of rain is either an bad omen (as Dicaeopolis suggests) or else a sign of bad weather approaching or both. In any case, it is a sign that the assembly must end. [Back to Text]
(37) Acharnae in this play is a political subdivision of Athens. Most of the people who lived there were charcoal burners who supplied the city with the fuel necessary for domestic, manufacturing, and medical purposes. [Back to Text]
(38) Marathon was the site of the famous battle near Athens in which the combined forces of the Greeks under Athenian leadership defeated the Persian army (490 BC). The men must be very old to be veterans of that battle. [Back to Text]
(39) Making a truce or treaty involved pouring a libation of wine. Hence in the Greek the words for drink offering and truce are the same. That is the reason Amphitheus has brought back different samples of wine to indicate different truce options (as we soon discover). [Back to Text]
(40) When the Athenians needed citizens for the army or navy the men were ordered to assemble, each one bringing three days of provisions for himself. [Back to Text]
(41) The speeches assigned to the Chorus may be spoken by the entire Chorus, or by part of the Chorus, or by the Chorus Leader, or by an individual member of the Chorus, as the director of a production of the play decides. However, to clarify matters for the reader, in this English text I have indicated a particular speaker or speakers. [Back to Text]
(42) Phayllus well-known Olympian athlete. [Back to Text]
(43) Lachratides had been Archon (Chief Magistrate) in Athens at the time of the battle at Marathon, many years earlier (i.e., he must now be extremely old). [Back to Text]
(44) The Spartan armies routinely invaded Attica (the area around Athens) and drove the farming communities into Athens where they were safer within the city walls. The Spartans would pillage the farms and destroy the crops. The thorn is a form of bulrush identified by T. E. Page, E. Capps, and W.H. D. Rouse as Schoenus mucronatus, the Dagger-pointed Bulrush “common on all the coast of the Mediterranean.” [Back to Text]
(45) The “jewels” would be trinkets which are attached to the young girl’s clothing or which she is wearing on her arms. There could be a bawdy innuendo and meaning in this remark. Some translators and commentators assign these seven lines to Dicaeopolis’s wife. [Back to Text]
(46) Phales was a god of procreation, symbolized by the phallus. This song is apparently improvised on the spot. Some editors observe that the phallus is so large it requires two slaves to hold it properly. [Back to Text]
(47) Lamachus was an Athenian general. The name is also made up, in part, of the word meaning “fight.”[Back to Text]
(48) The name Phelleus evidently refers to a wooded spur of mount Parnes. [Back to Text]
(49) Cleon (see footnote 2 above) was a currier (a tanner of leather) by trade. [Back to Text]
(50) The term Laconian refers to the Lacedaimonians (or Spartans). [Back to Text]
(51) The cuttle fish, a sea creature related to the octopus, squirts dark ink. [Back to Text]
(52) This speech, for obvious reass is often interpreted as the voice of Aristophanes expressing his own opinions of the Athenians. Some have suggested that he may have been the actor playing the role. [Back to Text]
(53) The comic play mentioned is The Babylonians (now lost). Cleon complained about the play to the civic authorities on the ground that it held Athens up to ridicule. [Back to Text]
(54) Hades was the god of the underworld (i.e. the dead), His helmet conferred the gift of invisibility on the wearer. Hieronymus was a writer of tragedies, often mocked by Aristophanes. Sisyphus was a legendary king of Corinth, famous for his trickery. He was eternally punished in Hadea for repeatedly tricking the gods. [Back to Text]
(55) Cholleidae was a political district in Athens (like Archaniae). [Back to 'Text]
(56)
The stage machinery was a device that enabled an actor to be revealed suddenly,
usually high up above the other actors. Euripides is very fond to using such
machinery near the end of his tragediess to reveal the sudden entry of a god or
goddess, who will then help to resolve the action (the deus ex machina).
This whole scene is, in part, a satire on Euripides’s dramatic and poetic style.
[Back to Text]
(57)
Euripides was frequently criticizead for
writing tragedies about much meaner and more common persons (often in miserable
circumstances) than the older tradition’s noble characters. Further in this
scene Euripides and Dicaeopolis discuss various Euripidean heroes. The plays in
which these characters appear have all been lost (other than some fragments). [Back to Text]
(58) Thyestes and Ino were characters in lost plays by Euripides. [Back to Text]
(59) This is a satiric jibe at Euripides’ family origins: his mother (according to one tradition) sold herbs in the marketplace. Paley observes that the story was probably untrue. [Back to Text]
(60) In this sentence Dicaeopolis observes that Euripides (the character in the play), by complying with all the requests for various objects, is enabling the scene to be a continuing satire on Euripides (the playwright). Much of the humour here arises from the audience’s familiarity with Euripides’s plays. [Back to Text]
(61) Here Aristophanes is deliberately blurring the line between Dicaeopolis (the fictional character giving the speech) and Aristophanes (the poet and author of this play). [Back to Text]
(62) The federated states were a group of city states allied with Athens. They paid tribute money to Athens and provided troops and ships to a common cause. [Back to Text]
(63) Resident aliens in Athens (called metics) made up roughly half the free population. They had no political rights but had to fulful the duties of citizens (e.g., pay taxes). The children of metics born in Athens retained the citizenship of their family origin.) [Back to Text]
(64) Poseidon was god of earthquakes. Taenaus is a headland in the Peloponnese, close to Sparta. ) [Back to Text]
(65) Cottabus was a drinking game involving (in some forms) throwing wine dregs into a container without spilling any on the floor. ) [Back to Text]
(66) Aspasia was the mistress of Pericles, the political leader in Athens in the first year of the war. He died of the plague in the second year of the war. ) [Back to Text]
(67) Pericles was the most powerful and successful politician in Athens in the years immediately before the war (hence the title "Olympian) and in the first year of conflict. He died of the plague which broke out in the second year of the war. [Back to Text]
(68) Megara was an ally of Sparta, but economically dependent on Athens and cities in the Athenian Empire. The economic blocade Athens imposed on Megara was a major source of friction in the years before the outbreak of hostilities. ) [Back to Text]
(69) Seriphos is a small, insignifican island allied to Athens. The triviality of this hypothetical example is an important part of Dicaeopolis’ argument. ) [Back to Text]
(70) The Greek text has “Do we think Telaphus . . . .” I have replaced the name Telephus and written the Spartan to make better sense of the question. Telephus was a Spartan. [Back to Text]
(71) An informer in ancient Athens was a private citizen who laid charges against someone else for breaking a law. Every Athenian citizen enjoyed this privilege, which was often abused. The Athenians were notorious for their love of lawsuits. ) [Back to Text]
(72) Lamachus was an Athenian general in the Peloponnesian War. He may well have been in the audience for the first performace of the play in Athens. ) [Back to Text]
(73) The Gorgon crest is on the shield which is carried in a canvas bag. The Gorgon was a fearful creature whose gaze turned people to stone. ) [Back to Text]
(74) Paley points out that young men from wealthy families could arrange to get themselves appointed as envoys in various diplomatic missions and thus recieve more pay than the soldiers and sailors (who received two drachmas a day). Such envoys were exempt from military service. ) [Back to Text]
(75) The names of people and places in this passage (made up by the poet) undoubtedly contain comic references to people and politics. The word Gela, for example, means ridiculous. Some translators hazard attempts to render them in English, but their results do not prompt me to offer my own. ) [Back to Text]
(76) Coesyra was a well-known member of a leading family in Athens. F. A. Paley remarks, “. . . we can hardly doubt that Alcibiades is meant . . .” ) [Back to Text]
(77) This exchange means something like “Do we, as members of a democracy, have to listen to this satiric treatment of Athenians: “No you don’t, unless you still want to be paid.” The satiric suggestion is that Athenian democracy would be intolerable if Lamachus did not get paid. ) [Back to Text]
(78) The Peloponnese is the large peninsula in southern Greece, joined to the mainland by the Isthmus of Corinth. Sparta is located there. Many Peloponnesian cities were allied with Sparta. ) [Back to Text]
(79) In Old Comedy, the parabasis is a speech delivered by the Chorus leader, who adopts the role of the poet and usually raises a number of moral or political issues. ) [Back to Text]
(80) Aristophanes had some connection to the Aegina, an island close to Athens. Athens attacked Aegina in 459 BC, tore down its walls, and commandeered its fleet. ) [Back to Text]
(81) “[Epanthrakides:] Small fish to be broiled over the embers were first dipped in pickle of salt and oil. . . . It is called [liparanpux] from the oil that rises to the top; hence it was shaken before use” (Paley). [Back to Text]
(82) Poseidon was god of the sea and an important deity in Athens. [Back to Text]
(83) Tithonus was a legendary figure who was promised eternal life by the goddess of dawn. But the promise did not protect him from growing old. As a result he was condemned to an eternity of increasing decrepitude. [Back to Text]
(84) Marathon was the site of the battle in which a force of men from the Greek states under Athenian command defeated the Persians in 480 BC. It was the highlight of Athenian military history, [Back to Text]
(85) The identtty of Marpsias is unknown. Presumeably he was a young prosecutor in the courts. [Back to Text]
(86) Thucydides was the son of Melesias and led an anti-war faction in Athens. He should not be confused with the famous historian of the Peloponnesian War. Cephisodemus was an Athenian born in Scythia. [Back to Text]
(87) The Archers (from Scythia) acted as a police force in Athens. [Back to Text]
(88) The son of Clineas is Alcibiades. [Back to Text]
(89) Market clerks were those charged with keeping order in the market. [Back to Text]
(90) Megara was a city state quite close to Athens. At the opening of the war it was allied with Sparta. In c. 432 BC, Athens issued the Megarian Decree, which banned all Megarian merchants from territory controlled by Athens. As a result, the Megarian economy was severely damaged. [Back to Text]
(91) The Eleusinian Mysteries were a secret religious initiation rite based on the worship of Persephone and her mother, Demeter. The celebrations were held annually. [Back to Text]
(92) In the Greek this conversation contains strong sexual innuendo because the word for sow also means cunt. [Back to Text]
(93) The young pig is unsuitable for sacrifice because without a tail it is incomplete. [Back to Text]
(94) The Greek word for
chick peas also refers to the human
penis (as does the word for fig in Dicaeopolis’s next question. [Back to
Text]
(95) Ctesias was an informer about whom very little is known. [Back to Text]
(96) It is not clear who the name Prepis refers to. Cleonymus was a follower of Creon who was said to be a coward because he allegedly dropped his shield in battle and ran away. Hyperbolus was a prominent politician in Athens aligned with Creon. [Back to Text]
(97) Cratinus may refer to the comic poet or to a younger contemporary. Artemo was a painter well known for being constantly hungry. [Back to Text]
(98) Pauson was a painter about whom little is known. Lysistratus was a member of the social elite. Cholargos was a political district in Athens to which Lysistratus belonged. [Back to Text]
(99) The pipers’ instruments are like a small bagpipe with a flute (made of bone) and a bellows (made of the skins of dogs). Starkie suggessts that the phrase “The Dog's Arse” was the title of a popular tune. [Back to Text]
(100) Iolaus was a companion and friend of Herakles and was venerated in Thebes. [Back to Text]
(101) Morychus was a tragic poet noted for his gluttony and effeminacy. [Back to Text]
(102) The twin gods referred to here are Amphion and Zethes, sons of Zeus, who built the walls of Thebes. [Back to Text]
(103) The Feast of Cups was part of the Dionysia, a celebration of Dionysus, held in February. [Back to Text]
(104) Phyle was a fortress community in Attica (the area around Athens). [Back to Text]
(105) Geryon was a mythical monster. [Back to Text]
(106) The name Orestes was a general term for a thief (especially at night) who was slightly unhinged or wild. Cratinus was a writer of comic plays and a rival of Aristophanes. [Back to Text]
(107) Paley notes that an unwashed woolen fleece was thought to have healing properties. [Back to Text]