Aristophanes
Birds

Translated by Ian Johnston
Vancouver Island University
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Canada

Revised Edition 2017, Reformatted with Minor Revisions 2020.

Translator’s Note

This translation by Ian Johnston of Vancouver Island University, Nanaimo, British Columbia, may be distributed in printed or electronic form (in whole or in part) to students without permission and without charge. Performing artists are permitted to use the text for their productions and to edit it to suit their purposes (again, without permission and without charge). However, commercial publication in any form is prohibited except with the written permission of the translator. For information please contact ian.johnston@viu.ca.

In the following translation, the line numbers without brackets refer to the English text; the numbers in square brackets refer to the Greek text. Footnotes and stage directions have been provided by the translator.

In this translation, possessives of words ending in -s are usually indicated in the common way (that is, by adding -’s (e.g. Zeus and Zeus’s). This convention adds a syllable to the spoken word (the sound -iz). Sometimes, for metrical reasons, this English text indicates such possession in an alternate manner, with a simple apostrophe. This form of the possessive does not add an extra syllable to the spoken name (e.g., Orestes and Orestes’ are both three-syllable words; whereas, Orestes’s has four syllables). 

The translator would like to acknowledge the valuable help he received from the notes in Alan H. Sommerstein’s edition of Birds (Warminster: Aris and Phillips, 1987).

Historical Note

Birds was first produced at the drama festival in 414 BC, where it won second prize. At this period during the Peloponnesian War, Athens was very powerful and confident, having just launched the expedition to Sicily, fully expecting to triumph in that venture and in the larger war.
 Dramatis Personae

Pisthetairos: a middle-aged Athenian
Euelpides: a middle-aged Athenian
Servant Bird: a slave serving Tereus, once a man
Tereus: a hoopoe bird, once a man
Flamingo
Peacock
Second Hoopoe
Glutton Bird: a fictitious species
Chorus Leader
Chorus: of birds
Xanthias: slave serving Pisthetairos
Manodoros: slave serving Euelpides, also called Manes.
Procne: a nightingale with a woman’s body, consort of Tereus.
Priest
Poet
Oracle Monger: a collector and interpreter of oracles
Meton: a land surveyor
Commissioner of Colonies: an Athenian official
Statute Seller: man who sells laws
First Messenger: a construction-worker bird
Second Messenger: a soldier bird
Iris: messenger goddess, daughter of Zeus
First Herald: a bird
Young Man: young Athenian who wants to beat up his father
Cinesias: a very bad dithyrambic poet and singer
Sycophant: a common informer
Prometheus: the Titan
Poseidon: god of the sea, brother of Zeus
Hercules: the legendary hero, now divine
Triballian God: an uncouth barbarian god
Princess: a divine young lady
Second Herald.

[Scene: A rugged, treed wilderness area up in the rocky hills. Enter Pisthetairos and Euelpides, both very tired. They are clambering down from the rocky heights towards the level stage. Pisthetairos has a crow perched on his arm or shoulder, and Euelpides has a jackdaw. Both Pisthetairos and Euelpides are carrying packs on their back. They are followed by two slaves carrying more bags. The slaves stay well out of the way until they get involved in the action later on.]

EUELPIDES [speaking to the bird he is carrying]
         Are you telling us to keep going straight ahead?
         Over there by that tree?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                           Blast this bird—
         it’s croaking for us to head back, go home.

EUELPIDES
       Why are we wandering up and down like this?
        You’re such a fool—this endless weaving round
        will kill us both.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                      I must be an idiot
         to keep hiking on along these pathways,
         a hundred miles at least, and just because
         that’s what this crow keeps telling me to do.

EUELPIDES
         What about me? My poor toe nails are thrashed. 	10
         I’ve worn them out because I’m following
         what this jackdaw says.

PISTHETAIROS [looking around]
                                                               I have no idea
         where on earth we are.

EUELPIDES
                                                  You mean from here
         you couldn’t make it back to your place? 		[10]

PISTHETAIROS
         No way—not even Execestides
         could manage that.

EUELPIDES
                                   We’re in a real mess.

PISTHETAIROS
         Well, you could try going along that pathway.

[The two men start exploring different paths down to opposite sides of the stage]

EUELPIDES
         We two were conned by that Philokrates,
         the crazy vendor in the marketplace
         who sells his birds on trays. He claimed these two 	20
         would take us straight to Tereus the hoopoe,
         a man who years ago became a bird.
         That’s why we paid an obol for this one,
         this jackdaw, a son of Tharreleides,
         and three more for the crow. And then what?
         The two know nothing, except how to bite.

[The jackdaw with Euelpides begins to get excited about something. Euelpides talks to the bird.]

         What’s got your attention now? In those rocks? 		[20]
         You want to take us there? There’s no way through.

PISTHETAIROS [calling across the stage to Euelpides]
         By god, the same thing over here, no road.

EUELPIDES
         What’s your crow saying about the pathway? 	30

PISTHETAIROS
         By god, it’s not cawing what it did before.

EUELPIDES [shouting]
         But what’s it saying about the road?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                             Nothing—
         it’s saying nothing, just keeps on croaking—
         something about biting my fingers off.
EUELPIDES [addressing the audience]
         Don’t you think it’s really odd the two of us,
         ready and eager to head off for the birds,
         just can’t find the way. You see, we’re not well. 
         All you men sitting there to hear our words,		[30]
         we’re ill with a disease, not like the one
         which Sacas suffers, no—the opposite. 	40
         He’s no true citizen, yet nonetheless
         he’s pushing his way in by force, but we,
         both honoured members of our tribe and clan,
         both citizens among you citizens,
         with no one trying to drive us from the city,
         have winged our way out of our native land
         on our two feet. We don’t hate the city
         because we think it’s not by nature great
         and truly prosperous—open to all,
         so they can spend their money paying fines. 	50
         Cicadas chirp up in the trees a while,
         a month or two, but our Athenians 		[40]
         keep chirping over lawsuits all their lives.
         That’s why right now we’ve set off on this trip,
         with all this stuff—basket, pot, and myrtle boughs.
         We’re looking for a nice relaxing spot,
         where we can settle down, live out our lives.
         We’re heading for Tereus, that hoopoe bird—
         we’d like to know if in his flying around
         he’s seen a city like the one we want. 	60

PISTHETAIROS
         Hey!

EUELPIDES
                   What?

PISTHETAIROS
                           My crow keeps cawing upwards—up there.

EUELPIDES
        My jackdaw’s looking up there, too,		[50]
         as if it wants to show me something.
         There must be birds around these rocks. I know—
         let’s make noise and then we’ll see for sure.

PISTHETAIROS
         You know what you should do? Kick that outcrop.

EUELPIDES
         Why not use your head? There’d be twice the noise.

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides start climbing back up the rocky outcrops towards a door in the middle of the rocks]

PISTHETAIROS
         Pick up a stone and then knock on the door.

EUELPIDES
         All right. Here I go.

[Euelpides knocks very loudly on the door and calls out.]

                                                           Hey, boy . . . boy!

PISTHETAIROS
         What are you saying? Why call the hoopoe “boy”? 	70
         Don’t say that—you should call out
       [giving a bird call]
                                             “Hoopoe-ho.”

EUELPIDES 
        Hoopoe-ho! . . . Should I knock again? . . . Hoopoe-ho!

SERVANT-BIRD [inside]
         Who is it? Who’s shouting for my master?		[60]

[The door opens and an actor-bird emerges. He has a huge beak which terrifies Euelpides and Pisthetairos. They fall back in fear, and the birds they have been carrying disappear]

EUELPIDES
         My lord Apollo, save us! That gaping beak—
SERVANT-BIRD [also frightened]
         Oh oh, now we’re in for it. You two men,
         you’re bird-catchers!

EUELPIDES
                                 Don’t act so weird!
         Can’t you say something nice?

SERVANT-BIRD 
                                           You two men will die!

EUELPIDES
         But we’re not men.

SERVANT-BIRD
                                         What? What are you, then?

EUELPIDES
         Well . . . I’m a chicken-shitter . . . a Libyan bird . . .

SERVANT-BIRD
         That’s rubbish.

EUELPIDES
                           No, it’s not—I’ve just dropped my load—	80
         down both my legs. Take a look.

SERVANT-BIRD
                                                           And this one here?
         What kind of bird is he?

[To Pisthetairos]

                                                                             Can you speak?

PISTHETAIROS
         Me? . . . a crapper-fowl . . . from Phasis.

EUELPIDES
         God knows what kind of animal you are!

SERVANT-BIRD
         I’m a servant bird.
EUELPIDES
                                     Beaten by some rooster 		[70]
       in a cock fight?

SERVANT-BIRD
                                             No. It was my master—
         when he became a hoopoe, well, I prayed
         that I could turn into a bird. That way
         he’d still have me to serve and wait on him.

EUELPIDES
         Does a bird need his own butler bird? 	90

SERVANT-BIRD
        He does—I think it’s got something to do
       with the fact that earlier he was a man.
       So if he wants to taste some fish from Phalerum,
       I grab a plate and run off for sardines.
       If he wants soup, we need pot and ladle,
       so I dash off for the spoon.

EUELPIDES
                                                        A runner bird—
       that’s what you are. Well, my little runner,
       do you know what we’d like to have you do?		[80]
       Go call your master for us.

SERVANT-BIRD
                                                              But he’s asleep—
       for heaven’s sake, his after-dinner snooze—	100
       he’s just had gnats and myrtle berries.

EUELPIDES
         Wake him up anyway.

SERVANT-BIRD
                                                          I know for sure
         he’ll be annoyed, but I’ll do it, just for you.

[Exit Servant-Bird back through the doors]

PISTHETAIROS
          Damn that bird—he scared me half to death.
EUELPIDES
         Bloody hell—he frightened off my bird!

PISTHETAIROS
         You’re such a coward—the worst there is.
         Were you so scared you let that jackdaw go?

EUELPIDES
         What about you? Didn’t you collapse
         and let your crow escape?

PISTHETAIROS
                                              Not me, by god.

EUELPIDES
         Where is it then?

PISTHETAIROS
                                It flew off on its own. 	110 	[90]

EUELPIDES
         You didn’t let go? What a valiant man!

TEREUS: [from inside, speaking in a grand style]
         Throw open this wood, so I may issue forth.

[The doors open. Enter Tereus, a hoopoe bird, with feathers on his head and wings but none on his body.He struts and speaks with a ridiculously affected confidence. Euelpides and Pisthetairos are greatly amused at his appearance]

EUELPIDES
         O Hercules, what kind of beast is this?
         What’s that plumage? What sort of triple crest?

TEREUS
         Who are the persons here who seek me out?

EUELPIDES
         The twelve gods, it seems, have worked you over.

TEREUS
         Does seeing my feathers make you scoff at me?
         Strangers, I was once upon a time a man.

EUELPIDES
         It’s not you we’re laughing at.

TEREUS
                                                               Then what is it?

EUELPIDES
         It’s your beak—to us it looks quite funny. 	120

TEREUS
         It’s how Sophocles distorts Tereus— 		[100]
         that’s me—in his tragedies.

EUELPIDES
                                            You’re Tereus?
         Are you a peacock or a bird?

TEREUS
                                                I am a bird.

EUELPIDES
         Then where are all your feathers?

TEREUS
                                             They’ve fallen off.

EUELPIDES
         Have you got some disease?

TEREUS
                                                           No, it’s not that.
         In winter time all birds shed their feathers,
         then new ones grow again. But tell me this—
         who are the two of you?

EUELPIDES
                                       Us? We’re human beings.
TEREUS
         From what race were you born?

EUELPIDES
                                                                       Our origin?
         In Athens—which makes the finest warships. 	130

TEREUS
         Ah, so you’re jury-men, are you?

EUELPIDES                                                    No, no.
       We’re different—we keep away from juries.

TEREUS
         Does that seedling flourish in those parts? 		[110]

EUELPIDES
         If you go searching in the countryside,
         you’ll find a few.

TEREUS
                              So why have you come here?
         What do you need?

EUELPIDES
                                      To talk to you.

TEREUS
                                                             What for?        

EUELPIDES
         Well, you were once a man, as we are now.
         You owed people money, as we do now.
         You loved to skip the debt, as we do now.
         Then you changed your nature, became a bird. 	140
         You fly in circles over land and sea.
         You’ve learned whatever’s known to birds and men.
         That’s why we’ve come as suppliants to you, 		[120]
         to ask if you can tell us of some town,
         where life is sheepskin soft, where we can sleep.
TEREUS
         Are you looking for a mighty city,
         more powerful than what Cranaus built?

EUELPIDES
         Not one more powerful, no. What we want
         is one which better suits the two of us.

TEREUS
         You clearly want an aristocracy. 	150

EUELPIDES
         Me? No, not at all. The son of Scellias
         is someone I detest.

TEREUS
                                                               All right, then,
         What kind of city would you like to live in?

EUELPIDES
         I’d like a city where my biggest problem
         would be something like this—in the morning
         a friend comes to my door and says to me,
         “In the name of Olympian Zeus, take a bath, 		[130]
         an early one, you and your children,
         then come to my place for the wedding feast
         I’m putting on. Don’t disappoint me now. 	160
         If you do, then don’t come looking for me
         when my affairs get difficult for me.”

TEREUS
         By heaven, you poor man, you do love trouble.
         What about you?

PISTHETAIROS
                               I’d like the same.
TEREUS
                                                       Like what?

PISTHETAIROS
         To have the father of some handsome lad
         come up to me, as if I’d done him wrong,
         and tell me off with some complaint like this—
         “A fine thing there between you and my son, 		[140]
         you old spark. You met him coming back
         from the gymnasium, after his bath—	170
         you didn’t kiss or greet him with a hug,
         or even try tickling his testicles—
         yet you’re a friend of mine, his father.”

TEREUS
         How you yearn for problems, you unhappy man.
         There is a happy city by the sea,
         the Red Sea, just like the one you mention.

EUELPIDES
         No, no. Not by the sea! That’s not for us,
         not where that ship Salamia can show up
         with some man on board to serve a summons
         early in the morning. What about Greece? 	180
         Can you tell us of some city there?

TEREUS
         Why not go and settle down in Elis—
         in Lepreus?

EUELPIDES
                                           In Leprous? By the gods,
         I hate the place—although I’ve never seen it— 		[150]
         it’s all Melanthius’s fault.

  TEREUS
                                                     You could go
         to the Opuntians—they’re in Locris—
         you might settle there.

EUELPIDES
                                                             Be Opuntius—
         no way, not for a talent’s weight in gold.
         But what’s it like here, living with the birds?
         You must know it well.

TEREUS
                                                        It’s not unpleasant. 	190
         First of all, you have to live without a purse.

EUELPIDES
         So you’re rid of one great source of fraud in life.

TEREUS
         In the gardens we enjoy white sesame, 		[160]
         the myrtles, mint, and poppies.

EUELPIDES
                                                         So you live
         just like newly-weds.

PISTHETAIROS
                                            That’s it! I’ve got it!
         I see a great plan for this race of birds—
         and power, too, if you’ll trust what I say.

TEREUS
         What do you want to get us all to do?

PISTHETAIROS
         What should you be convinced to do? Well, first,
         don’t just fly about in all directions, 	200
         your beaks wide open—that makes you despised.
         With us, you see, if you spoke of men
         who always flit about and if you asked,
         “Who’s that Teleas” someone would respond,
         “The man’s a bird—he’s unreliable,
         flighty, vague, never stays in one place long.” 		[170]
TEREUS
         By Dionysus, that’s a valid point—
         the criticism’s fair. What should we do?

PISTHETAIROS
         Settle down together in one city.

TEREUS
         What sort of city could we birds set up? 	210

PISTHETAIROS
         Why ask that? What a stupid thing to say!
         Look down.

TEREUS
                            All right.

PISTHETAIROS
                                      Now look up.

TEREUS
                                                         I’m looking up.

PISTHETAIROS
         Turn your head round to the side.

TEREUS
                                                                   By Zeus,
         this’ll do me good, if I twist off my neck.

PISTHETAIROS
         What do you see?

TEREUS
                              Clouds and sky.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                      Well, then,
         isn’t this a staging area for birds?

TEREUS
         A staging area? How come it’s that?

PISTHETAIROS
         You might say it’s a location for them— 		[180]
         there’s lots of business here, but everything
         keeps moving through this zone, so it’s now called	220
         a staging place. But if you settled here,
         fortified it, and fenced it off with walls,
         this staging area could become your state.
         Then you’d rule all men as if they’re locusts
         and annihilate the gods with famine,
         just like in Melos.

TEREUS
                                    How’d we manage that?

PISTHETAIROS
         Look, between earth and heaven there’s the air.
         Now, with us, when we want to go to Delphi,
         we have to ask permission to pass through
         from the Boeotians. You should do the same. 	230
         When men sacrifice, make gods pay you cash. 		[190]
         If not, you don’t grant them rights of passage.
         You’ll stop the smell of roasting thigh bones
         moving through an empty space and city
         which don’t belong to them.

TEREUS
                                                                                 Wow!!! Yippee!!
         By earth, snares, traps, nets, what a marvellous scheme!
         I’ve never heard a neater plan! So now,
         with your help, I’m going to found a city,
         if other birds agree.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                              The other birds?
         Who’s going to lay this business out to them? 	240

TEREUS
         You can do it. I’ve taught them how to speak. 		[200]
         Before I came, they could only twitter,
         but I’ve been with them here a long, long time.
PISTHETAIROS
         How do you call to bring them all together?

TEREUS
         Easy. I’ll step inside my thicket here,
         and wake my nightingale. Then we’ll both call.
         Once they hear our voices they’ll come running.

PISTHETAIROS
         O, you darling bird, now don’t just stand there—
         not when I’m begging you to go right now,
         get in your thicket, wake your nightingale. 	250

[Tereus goes back through the doors.]

TEREUS [singing]
                  Come my queen, don’t sleep so long,
                  pour forth the sound of sacred song— 		[210]
                  lament once more through lips divine
                  for Itys, your dead child and mine,
                  the one we’ve cried for all this time.

                  Sing out your music’s liquid trill
                  in that vibrato voice—the thrill
                  which echoes in those purest tones
                  through leafy haunts of yew trees roams
                  and rises up to Zeus’s throne.	 260

                  Apollo with the golden hair
                  sits listening to your music there—
                  and in response he plucks his string—
                  his lyre of ivory then brings
                  the gods themselves to dance and sing.

                  Then from gods’ mouths in harmony 		[220]
                  come sounds of sacred melody.

[A flute starts playing within, in imitation of the nightingale’s song. The melody continues for a few moments.]

EUELPIDES
         By lord Zeus, that little birdie’s got a voice!
         She pours her honey all through that thicket!

PISTHETAIROS
         Hey!

EUELPIDES
                         What?

PISTHETAIROS
                                       Shut up.

EUELPIDES
                                                       Why?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                That hoopoe bird—	270		
         he’s all set to sing another song.

TEREUS [issuing a bird call to all the birds. His song or chant is accompanied by the flute indicating the nightingale’s song.]
         Epo-popo-popo-popo-popoi,
         Io, io, ito, ito, ito, ito.

         Come here to me,
         all you with feathers just like mine, 		[230]
         all you who live in country fields
         fresh-ploughed, still full of seed,
         and all you thousand tribes
         who munch on barley corn
         who gather up the grain, 	280
         and fly at such a speed
         and utter your sweet cries,
         all you who in the furrows there
         twitter on the turned-up earth,
         and sweetly sing
         tio tio tio tio tio tio tio tio.

         All those of you
         who like to scavenge food
         from garden ivy shoots, 		[240]
         all you in the hills up there	290
         who eat from olive and arbutus trees.
         come here as quickly as you can,
         fly here in answer to this call—
         trio-to trio-to toto-brix!

         And every one of you
         in low-lying marshy ground
         who snap sharp-biting gnats,
         by regions of well-watered land,
         and lovely fields of Marathon,
         all you variously coloured birds, 	300
         godwits and francolins—
         I’m calling you.

         You flocks who fly across the seas 		[250]
         across the waves with halcyons
         come here to learn the news.
         We’re all assembling here,
         all tribes of long-neck birds.
         A shrewd old man’s arrived—
         he’s here with a new plan,
         a man of enterprise, 	310
         all set to improvise.
         So gather all of you
         to hear his words.

[The final words gradually change from coherent speech into a bird call.]

         Come here, come here,
         come here, come here.
         Toro-toro toro-toro-tix
         Kik-kabau, kik-kabau. 		[260]
         Toro-toro toro-toro li-li-lix

[Euelpides and Pisthetairos start looking up into the sky for birds.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Seen any birds lately?

EUELPIDES
                                       No, by Apollo, I haven’t—
         even though I’m staring up into the sky, 	320
         not even blinking.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                    It seems to me
         that hoopoe bird was just wasting time
         hiding, like a curlew, in that thicket,
         and screaming out his bird calls—
         [imitating Tereus] Po-poi po-poi . . .       

[There is an instant response to Pisthetairos’s call from off stage, a loud bird call which really scares Pisthetairos and Euelpides.]

BIRD [offstage]
         Toro-tix, toro-tix.

PISTHETAIROS
         Hey, my good man, here comes a bird.

[Enter a flamingo, very tall and flaming red―something Pisthetairos and Euelpides have never seen.]

EUELPIDES
                                                                           By Zeus,
         that’s a bird? What kind would you call that?
         It couldn’t be a peacock, could it?

[Tereus re-enters from the thicket.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Tereus here will tell us. Hey, my friend, 	330
         what’s that bird there?

TEREUS
                                             Not your everyday fowl—
         the kind you always see. She’s a marsh bird. 		[270]

EUELPIDES
         My goodness, she’s gorgeous—flaming red!

TEREUS
         Naturally, that’s why she’s called Flamingo.

[A second bird enters, a Peacock.]
EUELPIDES [to Pisthetairos]
         Hey . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                           What is it?

EUELPIDES
                                             Another bird’s arrived.

PISTHETAIROS
         You’re right. By god, this one looks really odd.
         Who’s this bizarre bird-prophet of the Muse,
         this strutter from the hills?

TEREUS
                                             He’s called the Mede.

PISTHETAIROS
         He’s a Mede? By lord Hercules, how come
         a Mede flew here without his camel? 	340

EUELPIDES
         Here’s another one . . .

[The next bird enters, another Hoopoe]

                                   . . . what a crest of feathers!

PISTHETAIROS [To Tereus]
         What’s this marvel? You’re not the only hoopoe? 		[280]
         This here’s another one?

TEREUS
                                             He’s my grandson—
         son of Philocles the Hoopoe—it’s like
         those names you pass along, when you call
         Hipponicus the son of Callias,
         and Callias son of Hipponicus.

PISTHETAIROS
         So this bird is Callias. His feathers—
         he seems to have lost quite a few.

TEREUS
                                                                 Yes, that’s true—
         being a well-off bird he’s plucked by parasites, 	350
         and female creatures flock around him, too,
         to yank his plumage out.

[Enter the Glutton-bird, an invented species, very fat and brightly coloured.]

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                              By Poseidon,
         here’s another bright young bird. What’s it called?

TEREUS
         This one’s the Glutton-bird.

PISTHETAIROS
                                       Another glutton?
         Cleonymus is not the only one?

  EUELPIDES
         If this bird were like our Cleonymus, 		[290]
         wouldn’t he have thrown away his crest?

PISTHETAIROS
         Why do all the birds display such head crests?
         Are they going to run a race in armour?

TEREUS
         No, my dear fellow, they live up on the crests,	 360
         because it’s safer, like the Carians.

PISTHETAIROS [looking offstage]
         Holy Poseidon, do you see those birds!
         What a fowl bunch of them—all flocking here!

EUELPIDES [looking in the same direction]
         Lord Apollo, there’s a huge bird cloud! Wow!
         So many feathered wings in there I can’t see
         a way through all those feathers to the wings.

[Enter the Chorus of Birds in a dense mass. Pisthetairos and Euelpides clamber up the rock to get a better look at them.]

PISTHETAIROS
                                                   Hey, look at that—
         it’s a partridge, and that one over there,
         by Zeus, a francolin—there’s a widgeon—
         and that’s a halcyon!

EUELPIDES
                                   What’s the one behind her?

PISTHETAIROS
         What is it? It’s a spotted shaver.

EUELPIDES
                                                                         Shaver? 	370
         You mean there’s a bird that cuts our hair?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                 Why not?
         After all, there’s that barber in the city—
         the one we all call Sparrow Sporgilos. 		[300]
         Here comes an owl.

EUELPIDES
                            Well, what about that?
         Who brings owls to Athens?

PISTHETAIROS [identifying birds in the crowd]
                                            . . . a turtle dove,
         a jay, lark, sedge bird . . .

EUELPIDES
                                     . . . finch, pigeon . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                . . . falcon,
         hawk, ring dove . . .

EUELPIDES
                                 . . . cuckoo, red shank . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                                             . . . fire-crest . . .

EUELPIDES
         . . . porphyrion, kestrel, dabchick, bunting,
         vulture, and that one’s there’s a . . . [He’s stumped.]

PISTHETAIROS
                                                      . . . woodpecker!!

EUELPIDES
         What a crowd of birds! A major flock of fowls! 	380
         All that twitter as they prance around,
         those rival cries! . . . Oh, oh, what’s going on?
         Are they a threat? They’re looking straight at us—
         their beaks are open!

PISTHETAIROS
                                It looks that way to me.

CHORUS LEADER [starting with a bird call]
         To-toto-to to-toto-to to-to. 		[310]
         Who’s been calling me?
         Where’s he keep his nest?

TEREUS
         I’m the one. I’ve been waiting here a while.
         I’ve not left my bird friends in the lurch.

CHORUS LEADER
         Ti-tit-ti ti-tit-ti ti-ti-ti-ti	390
         tell me as a friend what you have to say.

TEREUS
         I have news for all of us—something safe,
         judicious, sweet, and profitable.
         Two men have just come here to visit me,
         two subtle thinkers . . .

CHORUS LEADER [interrupting]
         What? What are you saying?

TEREUS
         I’m telling you two old men have arrived— 		[320]
         they’ve come from lands where human beings live
         and bring the stalk of a stupendous plan.

CHORUS LEADER
         You fool! This is the most disastrous thing
         since I was hatched. What are you telling us? 	400

TEREUS
         Don’t be afraid of what I have to say.

CHORUS LEADER
         What have you done to us?

TEREUS
                                   I’ve welcomed here
         two men in love with our society.

CHORUS LEADER
         You dared to do that?

TEREUS
                                 Yes, indeed I did.
         And I’m very pleased I did so.

CHORUS LEADER
                          These two men of yours,
         are they among us now?

TEREUS
                                    Yes, as surely as I am.

CHORUS [breaking into a song of indignation]
                  Aiiii, aiiiii
                  He’s cheated us,
                  he’s done us wrong.
                  That friend of ours, 	410
                  who all along
                  has fed with us
                  in fields we share, 		[330]
                  now breaks old laws
                  and doesn’t care.

                  We swore a pact
                  of all the birds.
                  He’s now trapped us
                  with deceitful words—
                  so power goes	420
                  to all our foes,
                  that wicked race
                  which since its birth
                  was raised for war
                  with us on earth.

CHORUS LEADER
         We’ll have some words with that one later.
         These two old men should get their punishment—
         I think we should give it now. Let’s do it—
         rip ’em to pieces, bit by bit.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                   We’re done for.

EUELPIDES
         It’s all your fault—getting us into this mess. 	430
         Why’d you bring me here?

PISTHETAIROS
                                            I wanted you to come. 		[340]

EUELPIDES
         What? So I could weep myself to death?

PISTHETAIROS
         Now, you’re really talking nonsense—
         how do you intend to weep, once these birds
         poke out your eyes?

CHORUS [advancing towards Pisthetairos and Euelpides]
                                               On, on . . .
         let’s move in to attack,
         and launch a bloody rush,
         come in from front and back,
         and break ’em in the crush—
         with wings on every side	440
         they’ll have no place to hide.

         These two will start to howl,
         when my beak starts to eat
         and makes ’em food for fowl.
         There’s no well-shaded peak,
         no cloud or salt-grey sea 		[350]
         where they can flee from me.

CHORUS LEADER
         Now let’s bite and tear these two apart!
         Where’s the brigadier? Bring up the right wing!

[The birds start to close in on Pisthetairos and Euelpides, cowering up on the rocks.]

EUELPIDES
         This is it! I’m done for. Where can I run? 	450

PISTHETAIROS
         Why aren’t you staying put?

EUELPIDES
                                                     Here with you?
         I don’t want ’em to rip me into pieces.

PISTHETAIROS
         How do you intend to get away from them?

EUELPIDES
         I haven’t a clue.

PISTHETAIROS
                                           Then I’ll tell you how—
         we have to stay right here and fight it out.
         So put that cauldron down.

[Pisthetairos takes the cauldron from Euelpides and sets it down on the ground in front of them.]

EUELPIDES
                                           What good’s a cauldron?

PISTHETAIROS
         It’ll keep the owls away from us.

EUELPIDES
         What about the birds with claws?

PISTHETAIROS [rummaging in the pack]
                                                    Grab this spit—
         stick it in the ground in front of you.

EUELPIDES
         How do we protect our eyes? 		[360]

PISTHETAIROS [producing two tin bowls]
                                               An upturned bowl. 	460
         Set this on your head.

[Euelpides puts the tin bowl upside down on his head and holding up the pot, with the spit stuck in the ground.]

EUELPIDES
                                                       That’s brilliant!
         What a grand stroke of warlike strategy!
         In military matters you’re the best—
         already smarter than that Nikias.

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides, with tin bowls on their heads, await the birds’ charge, with Pisthetairos hiding behind Euelpides, who is holding up the big pot. Their two slaves cower behind them.]

CHORUS LEADER
                                                    El-el-el-eu . . . Charge!
         Keep those beaks level—no holding back now!
         Pull ‘em, scratch ’em, hit ’em, rip their skins off!
         Go smash that big pot first of all.

[As the Chorus is about to start its charge, Tereus rushes in between the two men and the Chorus and tries to stop the Chorus Leader.]

TEREUS
         Hold on, you wickedest of animals!
         Tell me this: Why do you want to kill these men, 	470
         to tear them both to bits? They’ve done no wrong.
         Besides, they’re my wife’s relatives, her clansmen.

CHORUS LEADER
         Why should we be more merciful to them
         than we are to wolves? What other animals
         are greater enemies of ours than them?
         Have we got better targets for revenge? 		[370]

TEREUS
         Yes, by nature enemies—but what if
         they’ve got good intentions? What if they’ve come
         to teach you something really valuable?

CHORUS LEADER
         How could they ever teach us anything, 	480
         or tell us something useful—they’re enemies,
         our feathered forefathers’ fierce foes.

TEREUS
         But folks with fine minds find from foemen
         they can learn a lot. Caution saves us all.
         We don’t learn that from friends. But enemies
         can force that truth upon us right away.
         That’s why cities learn, not from their allies,
         but from enemies, how to build high walls,
         assemble fleets of warships—in that way,
         their knowledge saves their children, homes, and goods. 	490	[380]

CHORUS LEADER
         Well, here’s what seems best to me—first of all,
         let’s hear what they have come to say. It’s true—
         our enemies can teach us something wise.

PISTHETAIROS [to Euelpides}
         I think their anger’s easing off. Let’s retreat.

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides inch their way toward the doors, still bunched together, with Euelpides holding up the pot.]

TEREUS [to the Chorus Leader]
         It’s only fair—and you do owe me a favour,
         out of gratitude.

CHORUS LEADER
                                                              In other things,
         before today, we’ve never stood against you.

PISTHETAIROS
         They’re acting now more peacefully to us—
         so put that pot and bowl down on the ground.
         But we’d better hang onto the spit, our spear. 	500
         We’ll use it on patrol inside our camp 		[390]
         right by this cauldron here. Keep your eyes peeled—
         don’t even think of running away.

[Euelpides puts down the cauldron, removes his tin-plate helmet, and marches with the spear back and forth by the cauldron, on guard.]

EUELPIDES
         What happens if we’re killed? Where on earth
         will we be buried?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                  In Kerameikos—
         where the potters live—they’ll bury both of us.
         We’ll get it done and have the public pay—
         I’ll tell the generals we died in battle,
         fighting with the troops at Orneai.

  CHORUS LEADER
         Fall back into the ranks you held before. 	510	[400]
         Bend over, and like well-armed soldier boys,
         put your spirit and your anger down.
         We’ll look into who these two men may be,
         where they come from, what their intentions are.

[The Chorus of Birds breaks up and retreats.]

         Hey, Hoopoe bird, I’m calling you!

TEREUS
                                                   You called?
         What would you like to hear?

CHORUS LEADER
                                                            These two men—
         where do they come from and who are they?

TEREUS
         These strangers are from Greece, font of wisdom.

CHORUS LEADER
         What accident or words 		[410]
         now brings them to the birds? 	520

TEREUS
         The two men love your life,
         adore the way you live—
         they want to share with you
         in all there is to give.

CHORUS LEADER
         What’s that you just said?
         What plan is in their head?

TEREUS
         Things you’d never think about—
         you’ll be amazed—just hear him out.
CHORUS LEADER
         He thinks it’s good that he
         should stay and live with me? 	530
         Is he trusting in some plan
         to help his fellow man
         or thump his enemy? 		[420]

TEREUS
         He talks of happiness
         too great for thought or words
         He claims this emptiness—
         all space—is for the birds—
         here, there, and everywhere.
         You’ll be convinced, I swear.

CHORUS LEADER
         Is he crazy in the head? 	540

TEREUS
         He is shrewder than I said.

CHORUS LEADER
         A brilliant thinking box?

TEREUS
         The subtlest, sharpest fox—
         he’s been around a lot,
         knows every scheme and plot. 		[430]

CHORUS LEADER
         Ask him to speak to us, to tell us all.
         As I listen now to what you’re telling me,
         it makes me feel like flying—taking off!

TEREUS [to the two slaves]
         Take their suits of armour in the house—
         hang the stuff up in the kitchen there, 	550
         beside the cooking stool—may it bring good luck!

[Turning to Pisthetairos]

         Now you. Lay out your plans—explain to them
         the reason why I called them all together.

[Pisthetairos is struggling with the servants, refusing to give up his armour.]

PISTHETAIROS
         No. By Apollo, I won’t do it—
         not unless they swear a pact with me
         just like one that monkey Panaitios, 		[440]
         who makes our knives, had his wife swear to him—
         not to bite or pull my balls or poke me.

CHORUS LEADER
         You mean up your . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                            No, not there. I mean the eyes.

CHORUS LEADER
         Oh, I’ll agree to that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     Then swear an oath on it. 	560

CHORUS LEADER
         I swear on this condition—that I get
         all the judges’ and spectators’ votes and win.

PISTHETAIROS
         Oh, you’ll win!

CHORUS LEADER
                                  And if I break the oath
         then let me win by just a single vote.
         Listen all of you! The armed infantry
         can now pick up their weapons and go home.
         Keep an eye out for any bulletins
         we put up on our notice boards. 		[450]

CHORUS [singing]
         By nature man is born to lie.
         But state your case. Give it a try. 	570
         There’s a chance you have observed
         some useful things inside this bird,
         some greater power I possess,
         which my dull brain has never guessed.
         So tell all here just what you see.
         If there’s a benefit to me,
         we’ll share in it communally.

CHORUS LEADER
         Tell us the business that’s brings you here. 		[460]
         Persuade us of your views. So speak right up.
         No need to be afraid—we’ve made a pact—	580
         we won’t be the ones who break it first.

PISTHETAIROS [aside to Euelpides]
         By god, I’m full of words, bursting to speak.
         I’ve worked my speech like well-mixed flour—
         like kneading dough. There’s nothing stopping me.

[Giving instructions to the two slaves]

         You, lad, fetch me a speaker’s wreath—and, you,
         bring water here, so I can wash my hands.

[The two slaves go into the house and return with a wreath and water.]

EUELPIDES [whispering to Pisthetairos]
         You mean it’s time for dinner? What’s going on?

PISTHETAIROS
         For a long time now I’ve been keen, by god,
         to give them a stupendous speech—overstuffed—
         something to shake their tiny birdy souls. 	590

[Pisthetairos, with the wreath on his head, now turns to the birds and begins his formal oration.]

         I’m so sorry for you all, who once were kings . . .

CHORUS LEADER
         Kings? Us? What of?

PISTHETAIROS
                                 You were kings indeed,
         you ruled over everything there is—
         over him and me, first of all, and then
         over Zeus himself. You see, your ancestry
         goes back before old Kronos and the Titans,
         way back before even Earth herself!

CHORUS LEADER
         Before the Earth?

PISTHETAIROS
                                    Yes, by Apollo.
CHORUS LEADER
         Well, that’s something I never knew before! 		[470]

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s because you’re naturally uninformed—	600
         you lack resourcefulness. You’ve not read Aesop.
         His story tells us that the lark was born
         before the other birds, before the Earth.
         Her father then grew sick and died. For five days
         he lay there unburied—there was no Earth.
         Not knowing what to do, at last the lark,
         at her wits’ end, set him in her own head.

EUELPIDES
         So now, the father of the lark lies dead
         in a headland plot.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                    So if they were born
         before the Earth, before the gods, well then, 	610
         as the eldest, don’t they get the right to rule?

EUELPIDES
         By Apollo, yes they do.

[Addressing the audience]

                                                      So you out there,
         look ahead and sprout yourselves a beak—
         in good time Zeus will hand his sceptre back 		[480]
         to the birds who peck his sacred oaks.

PISTHETAIROS
         Way back then it wasn’t gods who ruled.
         They didn’t govern men. No. It was the birds.
         There’s lots of proof for this. I’ll mention here
         example number one—the fighting cock—
         first lord and king of all those Persians, 	620
         well before the time of human kings—
         those Dariuses and Megabazuses.
         Because he was their king, the cock’s still called
         the Persian Bird.

EUELPIDES
                               That’s why to this very day
         the cock’s the only bird to strut about
         like some great Persian king, and on his head
         he wears his crown erect.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                  He was so great,
         so mighty and so strong, that even now,
         thanks to his power then, when he sings out
         his early morning song, all men leap up	630
         to head for work—blacksmiths, potters, tanners, 		[490]
         men who deal in corn or supervise the baths,
         or make our shields or fabricate our lyres—
         they all lace on their shoes and set off in the dark.

EUELPIDES
         I can vouch for that! I had some bad luck,
         thanks to that cock—I lost my cloak to thieves,
         a soft and warm one, too, of Phrygian wool.
         I’d been invited to a festive do,
         where some child was going to get his name,
         right here in the city. I’d had some drinks—	640
         and those drinks, well, they made me fall asleep.
         Before the other guests began to eat,
         that bird lets rip his cock-a-doodle-doo!
         I thought it was the early morning call.
         So I run off for Halimus—but then,
         just outside the city walls, I get mugged,
         some coat thief hits me square across the back—
         he used a cudgel! When I fall down there,
         about to cry for help, he steals my cloak!

PISTHETAIROS
         To resume—way back then the Kite was king. 	650
         He ruled the Greeks.

CHORUS LEADER
                                    King of the Greeks!!

PISTHETAIROS
                                                               That’s right.
         As king he was the first to show us how 		[500]
         to grovel on the ground before a kite.
        
EUELPIDES
         By Dionysus, I once saw a kite
         and rolled along the ground, then, on my back,
         my mouth wide open, gulped an obol down.
         I had to trudge home with an empty sack.

  PISTHETAIROS
         Take Egypt and Phoenicia—they were ruled
         by Cuckoo kings. And when they cried “Cuckoooo!!”
         all those Phoenicians harvested their crop—	660
         the wheat and barley in their fields.

EUELPIDES
                                                                          That’s why
         if someone’s cock is ploughing your wife’s field,
         we call you “Cuckoo!”—you’re being fooled!

  PISTHETAIROS
         The kingship of the birds was then so strong
         that in the cities of the Greeks a king—
         an Agamemnon, say, or Menelaus—
         had a bird perched on his regal sceptre.
         And it got its own share of all the gifts 		[510]
         the king received.

EUELPIDES
                             Now, that I didn’t know.
         I always get amazed in tragedies	670
         when some king Priam comes on with a bird.
         I guess it stands on guard there, keeping watch
         to see what presents Lysicrates gets.

PISTHETAIROS
         Here’s the weirdest proof of all—lord Zeus
         who now commands the sky, because he’s king,
         carries an eagle on his head. There’s more—
         his daughter has an owl, and Apollo,
         like a servant, has a hawk.

EUELPIDES
                                                                         That’s right,
         by Demeter! What’s the reason for those birds?

PISTHETAIROS
         So when someone makes a sacrifice	680
         and then, in accordance with tradition,
         puts the guts into god’s hands, the birds
         can seize those entrails well before Zeus can.
         Back then no man would swear upon the gods—
         they swore their oaths on birds. And even now, 		[520]
         our Lampon seals his promises “By Goose,”
         when he intends to cheat. In days gone by,
         all men considered you like that—as great
         and sacred beings. Now they all think of you
         as slaves and fools and useless layabouts. 	690
         They throw stones at you, as if you’re mad.
         And every hunter in the temples there
         sets up his traps—all those nooses, gins,
         limed sticks and snares, fine mesh and hunting nets,
         and cages, too. Then once they’ve got you trapped,
         they sell you by the bunch. Those who come to buy
         poke and prod your flesh. If you seem good to eat, 		[530]
         they don’t simply roast you by yourself—no!
         They grate on cheese, mix oil and silphium
         with vinegar—and then whip up a sauce, 	700
         oily and sweet, which they pour on you hot,
         as if you were a chunk of carrion meat.

CHORUS
                  This human speaks
                           of our great pain
                  our fathers’ sins 		[540]
                           we mourn again—
                  born into rule,
                           they threw away
                  what they received,
                           their fathers’ sway. 	710

                  But now you’ve come—
                           fine stroke of fate—
                  to save our cause.
                           Here let me state
                  I’ll trust myself
                           and all my chicks
                  to help promote
                           your politics.

CHORUS LEADER
         You need to stick around to tell us all
         what we should do. Our lives won’t be worth living	720
         unless by using every scheme there is
         we get back what’s ours—our sovereignty.

PISTHETAIROS
         Then the first point I’d advise you of is this:		[550]
         there should be one single city of the birds.
         Next, you should encircle the entire air,
         all this space between the earth and heaven,
         with a huge wall of baked brick—like Babylon.

EUELPIDES
         O Kebriones and Porphyrion!
         What a mighty place! How well fortified!

  PISTHETAIROS
         When you’ve completed that, demand from Zeus	730
         he give you back your rule. If he says no,
         he doesn’t want to and won’t sign on at once,
         you then declare a holy war on him.
         Tell those gods they can’t come through your space
         with cocks erect, the way they used to do,
         rushing down to screw another woman—
         like Alkmene, Semele, or Alope.
         For if you ever catch them coming down
         you’ll stamp your seal right on their swollen pricks— 		[560]
         they won’t be fucking women any more.	740
         And I’d advise you send another bird
         as herald down to human beings to say
         that since the birds from now on will be kings,
         they have to offer sacrifice to them.
         The offerings to the gods take second place.
         Then each of the gods must be closely matched
         with an appropriate bird. So if a man
         is offering Athena holy sacrifice,
         he must first give the Coot some barley corn.
         If sacrificing sheep to god Poseidon, 	750
         let him bring toasted wheat grains to the Duck.
         And anyone who’s going to sacrifice
         to Hercules must give the Cormorant
         some honey cakes. A ram for Zeus the king?
         Then first, because the Wren is king of birds,
         ahead of Zeus himself, his sacrifice
         requires the worshipper to execute
         an uncastrated gnat.

EUELPIDES
                                                                 I like that bit about
         the slaughtered gnat. Now thunder on, great Zan. 		[570]

CHORUS LEADER
         But how will humans think of us as gods	760
         and not just jackdaws flying around on wings?

PISTHETAIROS
         A foolish question. Hermes is a god,
         and he has wings and flies—so do others,
         all sorts of them. There’s Victory, for one,
         with wings of gold. And Eros is the same.
         Then there’s Iris—just like a timorous dove,
         that’s what Homer says.

EUELPIDES
                                                           But what if Zeus
         lets his thunder peal, then fires down on us
         his lightning bolt—that’s got wings as well.

PISTHETAIROS [ignoring Euelpides]
          Now, if people in their stupidity	770
         think nothing of you and keep worshipping
         Olympian gods, then a large cloud of birds,
         of rooks and sparrows, must attack their farms,
         devouring all the seed. And as they starve,
         let Demeter then dole out grain to them. 		[580]

EUELPIDES
         She won’t be willing to do that, by Zeus.
         She’ll make excuses—as you’ll see.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                 Then as a test,
         the ravens can peck out their livestock’s eyes,
         the ones that pull the ploughs to work the land,
         and other creatures, too. Let Apollo	780
         make them better—he’s the god of healing.
         That’s why he gets paid.

EUELPIDES
                                      But you can’t do this
         ’til I’ve sold my two little oxen first.

PISTHETAIROS
         But if they think of you as god, as life,
         as Earth, as Cronos and Poseidon, too,
         then all good things will come to them.

CHORUS LEADER
                                                These good things—
         Tell me what they are.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                          Well, for starters,
         locusts won’t eat the blossoms on their vines.
         The owls and kestrels in just one platoon
         will rid them of those pests. Mites and gall wasps	790	[590]
         won’t devour the figs. One troop of thrushes
         will eradicate them one and all.

CHORUS LEADER
         But how will we make people wealthy?
         That’s what they mostly want.
PISTHETAIROS
                                                      When people come
         petitioning your shrines, the birds can show
         the mining sites that pay. They’ll tell the priest
         the profitable routes for trade. That way
         no captain of a ship will be wiped out.

CHORUS LEADER
         Why won’t those captains come to grief?

PISTHETAIROS
         They’ll always ask the birds about the trip. 	800
         Their seer will say, “A storm is on the way.
         Don’t sail just yet” or “Now’s the time to sail—
         you’ll turn a tidy profit.”

EUELPIDES
                                                    Hey, that’s for me—
         I’ll buy a merchant ship and take command.
         I won’t be staying with you.

PISTHETAIROS
                                          Birds can show men
         the silver treasures of their ancestors,
         buried in the ground so long ago.
         For birds know where these are. Men always say, 		[600]
         “No one knows where my treasure lies, no one,
         except perhaps some bird.”

EUELPIDES
                                                      I’ll sell my boat. 	810
         I’ll buy a spade and dig up tons of gold.

CHORUS LEADER
         How will we provide for human health?
         Such things dwell with the gods.

PISTHETAIROS
                                         If they’re doing well,
         is that not giving them good health?

EUELPIDES
                                                            You’re right.
         A man whose business isn’t very sound
         is never medically well.

CHORUS LEADER
                                                                                 All right,
         but how will they get old? That’s something, too,
         Olympian gods bestow. Must they die young?

PISTHETAIROS
         No, no, by god. The birds will add on years,
         three hundred more.

CHORUS LEADER
                     And where will those come from? 	820

PISTHETAIROS
         From the birds’ supply. You know the saying,
         “Five human lifetimes lives the cawing crow.”

EUELPIDES
         My word, these birds are much more qualified 		[610]
         to govern us than Zeus.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                           Far better qualified!
         First, we don’t have to build them holy shrines,
         made out of stone, or put up golden doors
         to decorate their sanctuaries. They live
         beneath the bushes and young growing trees.
         As for the prouder birds, an olive grove
         will be their temple. When we sacrifice, 	830
         no need to go to Ammon or to Delphi—
         we’ll just stand among arbutus trees 		[620]
         or oleasters with an offering—
         barley grains or wheat—uttering our prayers,
         our arms outstretched, so from them we receive
         our share of benefits. And these we’ll gain
         by throwing them a few handfuls of grain.

CHORUS LEADER
         Old man, how much you’ve been transformed for me—
         From my worst enemy into my friend,
         my dearest friend. These strategies of yours—	840
         I’ll not abandon them, not willingly.

CHORUS
         The words you’ve said make us rejoice—
         and so we’ll swear with just one voice
         an oath that if you stand with me— 		[630]
         our thoughts and aims in unity—
         honest, pious, just, sincere,
         to go against the gods up there,
         if we’re both singing the same song
         the gods won’t have my sceptre long.

CHORUS LEADER
         Whatever can be done with force alone	850
         we’re ready to take on—what requires brains
         or thinking through, all that stuff’s up to you.

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s right, by Zeus. No time for dozing now, 		[640]
         or entertaining doubts, like Nikias.
         No—let’s get up and at it fast.

  TEREUS
         But first, you must come in this nest of mine,
         these sticks and twigs assembled here. So now,
         both of you, tell us your names.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                          That’s easy.
         My name’s Pisthetairos.

TEREUS
                                        And this man here?

EUELPIDES
         I’m Euelpides, from Crioa. 	860

TEREUS
         Welcome both of you!

PISTHETAIROS and EUELPIDES
                                           Thanks very much.
TEREUS
         Won’t you come in?

PISTHETAIROS
                                      Let’s go. But you go first—
         show us the way.

TEREUS
                          Come on, then.

[Tereus enters his house.]

PISTHETAIROS [holding back, calling into the house]
                                                                    But . . . it’s strange . . .
         Come back a minute.

[Tereus reappears at the door]

                                                            Look, tell us both
         how me and him can share the place with you
         when you can fly but we’re not able to. 		[650]

TEREUS
         I don’t see any problem there.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                   Maybe,
         but in Aesop’s fables there’s a story told
         about some fox who hung around an eagle,
         with unfortunate results.

TEREUS
                                               Don’t be afraid. 	870
         We have a little root you nibble on—
         and then you’ll grow some wings.

PISTHETAIROS
                                               All right then,
         let’s go.  Manodorus and Xanthias,
         bring in our mattresses.

CHORUS LEADER [to Tereus]
                                              Hold on a second—
         I’m calling you.

TEREUS
                                         Why are you calling me?

CHORUS LEADER
         Take those two men in—give them a good meal.
         But bring your tuneful nightingale out here,
         who with the Muses sings such charming songs—
         leave her with us so we can play together. 		[660]

PISTHETAIROS
         Yes, by god—agree to their request.	 880
         Bring out your little birdie in the reeds.

EUELPIDES
         For gods’ sake, bring her out, so we can see
         this lovely nightingale of yours.

TEREUS
         If that’s what you both want, it must be done.

         [Calling inside]

         Come here, Procne. Our guests are calling you.

[Enter Procne from the house. She has a nightingale’s head and wings but the body of a young woman. She is wearing gold jewellery.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Holy Zeus, that’s one gorgeous little bird!
         What a tender chick!

EUELPIDES
                                         How I’d love to help that birdie
         spread her legs, if you catch my drift.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                      Look at that—
         all the gold she’s wearing—just like a girl. 		[670]

EUELPIDES
         What I’d like to do right now is kiss her. 	890

PISTHETAIROS
         You idiot—look at that beak she’s got,
         a pair of skewers.

EUELPIDES
                                                           All right, by god,
         we’ll treat her like an egg—peel off the shell,
         take it clean off her head, and then we’ll kiss her.

TEREUS
         Let’s get inside.

PISTHETAIROS
                      You lead us in—good luck to all!

[Pisthetairos, Euelpides, Tereus, Xanthias, and Manodorus enter the house.]

CHORUS [singing to Procne]
                  Ah, my tawny-throated love,
                  of all the birds that fly above
                  you’re dearest to my heart
                  your sweet melodious voice
                  in my song plays its part—	900
                  my lovely Nightingale,
                           you’ve come, 		[680]
                           you’ve come.
                  And now you’re here with me.
                  Pour forth your melody.
                  Pipe out the lovely sounds of spring,
                  a prelude to my rhythmic speech
                  in every melody you sing.

[Procne plays on the flute for a few moments as the Chorus Leader prepares to address the audience directly. He steps forward getting close to the spectators.]

CHORUS LEADER
         Come now, you men out there, who live such dark, sad lives—
         you’re frail, just like a race of leaves—you’re shaped from clay,	910       
         you tribes of insubstantial shadows without wings,
         you creatures of a day, unhappy mortal men,
         you figures from a dream, now turn your minds to us,
         the eternal, deathless, air-borne, ageless birds,
         whose wisdom never dies, so you may hear from us
         the truth about celestial things, about the birds— 		[690]
         how they sprang into being, how the gods arose,
         how rivers, Chaos, and dark Erebus were formed—
         about all this you’ll learn the truth. And so from me
         tell Prodicus in future to depart. At the start, 	920
         there was Chaos, and Night, and pitch-black Erebus,
         and spacious Tartarus. There was no earth, no heaven,
         no atmosphere. Then in the wide womb of Erebus,
         that boundless space, black-winged Night, first creature born,
         made pregnant by the wind, once laid an egg. It hatched,
         when seasons came around, and out of it sprang Love—
         the source of all desire, on his back the glitter
         of his golden wings, just like the swirling whirlwind.
         In broad Tartarus, Love had sex with murky Chaos.
         From them our race was born—our first glimpse of the light. 	
         Before that there was no immortal race at all,
         not before Love mixed all things up. But once they’d bred		[700]
         and blended in with one another, Heaven was born,
         Ocean and Earth—and all that clan of deathless gods.
         Thus, we’re by far the oldest of all blessed ones,
         for we are born from Love. There’s lots of proof for this.
         We fly around the place, assisting those in love—
         the handsome lads who swear they’ll never bend for sex,
         but who, as their young charms come to an end, agree
         to let male lovers bugger them, thanks to the birds,	 940
         our power as gifts—one man gives a porphyrion,
         another man a quail, a third one gives a goose,
         and yet another offers up a Persian Fowl.
         All mortals’ greatest benefits come from us birds.
         The first is this: we make the season known—springtime,
         winter, autumn—it’s time to sow, as soon as Crane
         migrates to Lybia with all that noise. He tells 		[710]
         the master mariner to hang his rudder up
         and go to sleep awhile. He tells Orestes, too,
         to weave himself a winter cloak, so he won’t freeze	950
         when he sets out again to rip off people’s clothes.
         Then after that the Kite appears, to let you know
         another season’s here—it’s time to shear the sheep.
         Then Swallow comes. Now you should sell your winter cloak
         and get yourself a light one. So we’re your Ammon,
         Delphi and Dodona—we’re your Apollo, too.
         See how, in all your business, you first look to birds—
         when you trade, buy goods, or when a man gets married.
         Whatever you think matters in a prophecy,
         you label that a bird—to you, Rumour’s a bird; 		[720]
         you say a sneeze or a chance meeting is a bird,
         a sound’s a bird, a servant’s a bird—and so’s an ass.
         It’s clear you look on us as your Apollo.

CHORUS
         So you ought to make gods of your birds,
         your muses prophetic, whose words
         all year round you’ve got,
         unless it’s too hot.
         Your questions will always be heard.
         And we won’t run away to a cloud
         and sit there like Zeus, who’s so proud—	970
         we’re ready to give,
         hang out where you live,
         and be there for you in the crowd.

CHORUS LEADER
         Yes, to you, your children, and their children, too, 		[730]
         we’ll grant wealth and health, good life, and happiness,
         peace, youth, laughter, dances, festivals of song—
         and birds’ milk, too—so much, you’ll find yourself worn out
         with our fine gifts—yes, that’s how rich you’ll be.

CHORUS
                  O woodland Muse
                           Tio-tio-tio-tiotinx	980
                  my muse of varied artful song
                  on trees and from high mountain peaks 		[740]
                           tio-tio-tio-tiotinx
                  to your notes I sing along
                  in my leafy ash tree seat.
                           tio-tio-tio-tiontinx
                  From my tawny throat I fling
                  my sacred melodies to Pan.
                  In holy dance I chant and sing
                  our mother from the mountain land. 	990
                           Toto-toto-toto-toto-toto-totinx
                  Here Phrynichus would always sip 		[750]
                  ambrosial nectar from our tone
                  to make sweet music of his own.
                           tio-tio-tio-tiotinx.

CHORUS LEADER
         If there’s someone out there in the audience
         who’d like to spend his future life among the birds
         enjoying himself, he should come to us. Here, you see,
         whatever is considered shameful by your laws,
         is all just fine among us birds. Consider this—	1000
         if your tradition says one shouldn’t beat one’s dad,
         up here with us it’s all right if some young bird
         goes at his father, hits him, cries, “You wanna fight?
         Then put up your spur!” If out there among you all 		[760]
         there is, by chance, a tattooed slave who’s run away,
         we’ll call him a spotted francolin. Or else,
         if someone happens to be Phrygian, as pure
         as Spintharos, he’ll be a Philemon-bred finch.
         If he’s like Execestides, a Carian slave,
         let him act the Cuckoo—steal his kin from us—	1010
         some group of citizens will claim him soon enough.
         And if the son of Peisias still has in mind
         betraying our city gates to worthless men,
         let him become his father’s little partridge cock—
         for us there’s nothing wrong with crafty partridge stock.

CHORUS
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx-
                           That’s how the swans 		[770]
                           massed in a crowd
                           with rustling wings
                           once raised aloud	1020
                           Apollo’s hymn.
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx

                           They sat in rows
                           on river banks
                           where Hebros flows―
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx.

                           Their song then rose
                           through cloud and air—
                           it cast its spell
                           on mottled tribes	1030
                           of wild beasts there—
                           the silent sky
                           calmed down the sea.
                           Toto-toto-toto-toto-totinx.

                           Olympus rang— 		[780]
                           amazement seized
                           its lords and kings.
                           Then Muses there
                           and Graces, too,
                           voiced their response—	1040
                           Olympus sang.
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tiotinx.

CHORUS LEADER
         There’s nothing sweeter or better than growing wings.
         If any of you members of the audience
         had wings, well, if you were feeling bored or hungry
         with these tragic choruses, you could fly away,
         go home for dinner, and then, once you’d had enough,
         fly back to us again. Or if, by any chance,
         a Patrocleides sits out there among you all, 		[790]
         dying to shit, he wouldn’t have to risk a fart	1050
         in his own pants—he could fly off and let ’er rip,
         take a deep breath, and fly back down again.
         If it should be the case that one of you out there
         is having an affair, and you observe her husband
         sitting here, in seats reserved for Council men,
         well, once again, you could fly off and fuck the wife,
         then fly back from her place and take your seat once more.
         Don’t you see how having wings to fly beats everything?
         Just look at Diitrephes—the only wings he had
         were handles on his flasks of wine, but nonetheless,	 1060
         they chose him to lead a squad of cavalry,
         then for a full command, so now, from being nobody,
         he carries out our great affairs—he’s now become 		[800]
         a tawny civic horse-cock.

[Enter Pisthetairos and Euelpides from Tereus’s house. They now have wings on and feathers on their heads instead of hair.]

PISTHETAIROS
                                   Well, that’s that. By Zeus,
         I’ve never seen a more ridiculous sight!

EUELPIDES
         What are you laughing at?

PISTHETAIROS
                                              At your feathers.
         Have you any idea what you look like—
         what you most resemble with those feathers on?
         A goose painted by some cheap artiste!

EUELPIDES
         And you look like a blackbird—one whose hair	1070
         has just been cut using a barber’s bowl.

PISTHETAIROS
         People will now use us as metaphors—
         as Aeschlyus would say, “We’re shot by feathers
         not from someone else but of our very own.”

CHORUS LEADER
         All right, then. What do we now need to do?

PISTHETAIROS
         First, we have to name our city, something
         fine and grand. Then after that we sacrifice 		[810]
         an offering to the gods.

EUELPIDES
                                     That’s my view, too.

CHORUS LEADER
         So what name shall we give our city?

PISTHETAIROS
         Well, do you want to use that mighty name	1080
         from Lacedaemon—shall we call it Sparta?

EUELPIDES
         By Hercules, would I use that name Sparta
         for my city? No. I wouldn’t even try
         esparto grass to make my bed, not if
         I could use cords of linen.

PISTHETAIROS
                            All right then, what name
         shall we provide?

CHORUS LEADER
                                    Some name from around here—
         to do with clouds, with high places full of air,
         something really extra grand.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                               Well, then,
         how do you like this: Cloudcuckooland?

CHORUS LEADER
         Yes! That’s good! You’ve come up with a name	1090 	[820]
         that’s really wonderful—it’s great!
EUELPIDES
                                                             Hang on.
         Is this Cloudcuckooland the very spot
         where Theogenes keeps lots of money,
         and Aeschines hides all his assets?

PISTHETAIROS
         It’s even more than that—it’s Phlegra Plain,
         the place where gods beat up on all the Giants
         in a bragging match.

EUELPIDES
                                         This fine metropolis!
         O what a glittering thing this city is!
         Now who should be the city’s guardian god?
         Who gets to wear the sacred robes we weave? 	1100

PISTHETAIROS
         Why not let Athena do the guarding?

EUELPIDES
         But how can we have a finely ordered state
         where a female goddess stands there fully armed, 		[830]
         while Cleisthenes still fondles weaving shuttles.

PISTHETAIROS
         Well, who will hold our city’s strong Storkade?

CHORUS LEADER
         A bird among us of a Persian breed—
         it’s said to be the fiercest anywhere
         of all the war god’s chicks.

EUELPIDES
                                                        Some princely cocks?
         They’re just the gods to live among the rocks!

PISTHETAIROS [to Euelpides]
         Come now, you must move up into the air, 	1110
         and help the ones who’re building up the wall—
         hoist rubble for ’em, strip and mix the mortar,
         haul up the hod, and then fall off the ladder. 		[840]
         Put guards in place, and keep all fires concealed.
         Make your inspection rounds holding the bell.
         Go to sleep up there. Then send out heralds—
         one to gods above, one down to men below.
         And then come back from there to me.

  EUELPIDES
                                                                     And you?
         You’ll stay here? Well, to hell with you . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                                               Hey, my friend,
         you should go where I send you—without you	1120
         none of that work I mentioned will get done.
         We need a sacrifice to these new gods.
         I’ll call a priest to organize the show.

[Euelpides exits. Pisthetairos calls to the slaves through the doors of Tereus’s house.]

         You, boy, pick up the basket, and you,
         my lad, grab up the holy water. 		[850]

[Pisthetairos enters the house. As the Chorus sings, the slaves emerge and prepare for the sacrifice. The Chorus is accompanied by a raven playing the pipes.]

CHORUS
                  I think it’s good and I agree,
                  your notions here are fine with me,
                  a great big march with dancing throngs
                  and to the gods send holy songs,
                  and then their benefits to keep	1130
                  we’ll sacrifice a baby sheep—
                  let go our cry, the Pythian shout,
                  while Chaeris plays our chorus out.

[The Raven plays erratically on the pipe. Pisthetairos comes out of the house. He brings a priest with him, who is leading a small scrawny goat for the sacrifice.]
PISTHETAIROS [to the Raven]
         Stop blowing all that noise! By Hercules,
         what’s this? I’ve seen some strange things, heaven knows,		[860]
         but never this—a raven with a pipe
         shoved up his nose. Come on, priest, work your spell,
         and sacrifice to these new gods as well.

PRIEST
         I’ll do it. But where’s the basket-bearing boy?
[The slave appears with the basket.]

         Let us now pray to Hestia of the birds,	1140
         and to the Kite that watches o’er the hearth,
         to all Olympian birds and birdesses . . .

PISTHETAIROS [to himself]
         O Hawk of Sunium, all hail to you,
         Lord of the Sea . . .

PRIEST
                    And to the Pythian Swan of Delos—
         let’s pray to Leto, mother of the quail 		[870]
         to Artemis the Goldfinch . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                              Ha! No more goddess
         of Colaenis now, but goldfinch Artemis . . .

PRIEST
         . . . to Sabazdios, Phrygian frigate bird,
         to the great ostrich mother of the gods	1150
         and of all men . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                        . . . to Cybele, our ostrich queen,
         mother of Cleocritos . . .

PRIEST
                                       . . . may they give
         to all Cloudcuckooites security,
         good health, as well—and to the Chians, too.

PISTHETAIROS
         I do like that—the way those Chians 		[880]
         always get included everywhere.

PRIEST
         . . . to Hero birds, and to their chicks,
         to Porphyrions and Pelicans,
         both white and grey, to Raptor-birds and Pheasants,
         Peacocks and Warblers . . .

[The Priest starts to get carried away.]

                                                              . . . Ospreys and Teals
         Herons and Gannets, Terns, small Tits, big Tits, and . . . 	1160

PISTHETAIROS [interrupting]
         Hold on, dammit—stop calling all these birds.
         You idiot! In what sort of sacrifice 		[890]
         does one call for ospreys and for vultures?
         Don’t you see—one kite could snatch this goat,
         then carry it away? Get out of here,
         you and your garlands, too. I’ll do it myself—
         I’ll offer up this beast all on my own.

[Pisthetairos pushes the Priest away. Exit Priest.]

CHORUS
                  Now once again I have to sing
                  a song to purify you all,
                  a holy sacred melody. 	1170
                  The Blessed Ones I have to call—
                  but if you’re in a mood to eat
                  we just need one and not a score
                  for here our sacrificial meat 		[900]
                  is horns and hair, and nothing more.

PISTHETAIROS
         Let us pray while we make sacrifice
         to our feathery gods . . . 
[Pisthetairos raises his eyes to sky and shuts his eyes. A poet suddenly bursts on the scene reciting his verses as he enters.]

POET [reciting]
         O Muse, in your songs sing the renown
         of Cloudcuckooland—this happy town . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         Where’d this thing come from? Tell me—who are you? 	1180

POET
         Me? I’m a sweet tongued warbler of the words—
         a nimble servant of the Muse, as Homer says. 		[910]

PISTHETAIROS
         You’re a slave and wear your hair that long?

POET
         No, but all poets of dramatic songs
         are nimble servants of the Muse, as Homer says.

PISTHETAIROS
         No doubt that’s why your nimble cloak’s so thin.
         But, O poet, why has thou come hither?

POET
         I’ve been making up all sorts of splendid songs
         to celebrate your fine Cloudcuckoolands—
         dithyrambs and virgin songs and other tunes	1190
         after the style of that Simonides.

PISTHETAIROS
         When did you compose these tunes? Some time ago? 		[920]

POET
         O long long ago—yes, I’ve been singing
         the glory of this town for years.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                            Look here—
         I’ve just been making sacrifice today—
         the day our city gets its name. What’s more,
         it’s only now, as with a new-born child,
         I’ve given it that name.

POET
         Ah yes, but Muses’ words are swift indeed—
         like twinkling hooves on rapid steeds.
         So thou, O father, first of Aetna’s kings, 	1200
         whose name means lots of holy things,
         present me something from thy grace
         whate’er you wish, just nod your face. 		[930]

PISTHETAIROS
         This fellow here is going to give us trouble—
         unless we can escape by giving something.

[Calling one of the slaves]

         You there with the tunic and the jerkin on.
         Strip off the leather coat and give it up
         to this master poet. Take this jerkin.
         You look as if you’re really freezing cold.

POET
         The darling Muse accepts the gift	1210
         and not unwillingly—
         But now your wit should get a lift
         from Pindar’s words which . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         This fellow’s never going to go away! 		[940]

POET [making up a quotation]
         “Out there amid nomadic Scythians,
         he wanders from the host in all his shame,
         he who has no woven garment shuttle-made—
         a jerkin on, but no tunic to his name.”
         I speak so you can understand.

PISTHETAIROS
         Yes, I get it—you want the tunic, too.	1220

         [To the slave] 

Take it off. We must assist our poets.

[To the poet]

          Take this and get out.
POET
                                                    I’m on my way—
         But as I go I’ll still make songs like these
         in honour of your splendid city—
         “O thou sitting on a golden throne, 		[950]
         sing to celebrate that shivering, quivering land.
         I walked its snow-swept fruitful plains . . .”

[At this point Pisthetairos has had enough. He grabs the poet and throws him into the wings]

POET [as he exits]
                                             Aaaaiiiii!

PISTHETAIROS [calling after him]
         Well, by Zeus, at least now you’ve put behind
         the cold, since you’ve got that little tunic on!
         God knows, that’s a problem I’d not thought about—	1230
         he learned about our city here so fast.

[Resuming the sacrifice] 

         Come, boy, pick up the holy water
         and walk around again. Let everyone
         observe a sacred holy silence now . . . 

[Enter an Oracle Monger, quickly interrupting the ceremony. He is carrying a scroll.]

ORACLE MONGER
         Don’t sacrifice that goat!

PISTHETAIROS
                                              What? Who are you?

ORACLE MONGER
         Who am I? I’m an oracular interpreter.
PISTHETAIROS
         To hell with you! 		[960]

ORACLE MONGER
                                        Now, now, my dear good man,
         don’t disparage things divine. You should know
         there’s an oracle of Bacis which speaks
         of your Cloudcuckooland—it’s pertinent. 	1240

PISTHETAIROS
         Then how come you didn’t talk to me
         about this prophecy some time before
         I set my city here?

ORACLE MONGER
                                      I could not do that—
         powers divine held me in check.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                 Well, I guess
         there’s nothing wrong in listening to it now.

ORACLE MONGER [unrolling the scroll and reading from it]
         “Once grey crows and wolves shall live together
         in that space between Corinth and Sicyon . . .”

PISTHETAIROS
         What’s my connection to Corinthians?

ORACLE MONGER
         Its Bacis’ cryptic way of saying “air.” 		[970]
         “First sacrifice to Pandora a white-fleeced ram. 	1250
         Whoever first comes to prophesy my words,
         let him receive a brand new cloak and sandals.”

PISTHETAIROS
         Are sandals in there, too?

ORACLE MONGER [showing the scroll]
                                                                      Consult the book.
         “Give him the bowl, fill his hands full with offal . . .”

PISTHETAIROS
         The entrails? Does it says that in there?
ORACLE MONGER
         Consult the book. “Inspired youth,
         if thou dost complete what here I do command,
         thou shalt become an eagle in the clouds—if not,
         if thou will not give them me, you’ll ne’er become	1260
         an eagle, or a turtle dove, or woodpecker.”

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s all in there, as well?

ORACLE MONGER
                                     Consult the book. 		[980]

PISTHETAIROS [pulling out a sheet of paper from under his tunic]
         Your oracle is not at all like this one—
         Apollo’s very words. I them wrote down.
         “When an impostor comes without an invitation—
         a cheating rogue—and pesters men at sacrifice,
         so keen is he to taste the inner parts, well then,
         he must be beaten hard between the ribs . . .”

ORACLE MONGER
         I don’t think you’re reading that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                          Consult the book!
         “Do not spare him, even if he’s way up there, 	1270
         an eagle in the clouds, or if he’s Lampon
         or great Diopeithes in the flesh.”

ORACLE MONGER
         That’s not in there, is it?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                Consult the book.
         Now, get out! To hell with you . . .

{Pisthetairos beats the Oracle Monger off stage, hitting him with the scroll.]

ORACLE MONGER
                                               Ooooh . . . poor me! 		 [990]

[The Oracle Monger runs off.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Run off and do your soothsaying somewhere else!

[Enter Meton, carrying various surveying instruments, and wearing soft leather buskin boots]

METON
         I have come here among you all . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                                              Here’s more trouble.
         And what have you come here to do? Your scheme—
         what’s it look like? What do you have in mind?
         Why hike up here in buskin?

METON
                                                                          I intend
         to measure out the air for you—dividing it	1280
         in surveyed lots.

PISTHETAIROS
                                          For heaven’s sake,
         who are you?

METON [shocked]
                                             Who am I? I’m Meton—
         famous throughout Greece and Colonus.

  PISTHETAIROS
         What are these things you’ve got?

METON
                                 Rods to measure air.
         You see, the air is, in its totality, 		[1000]
         shaped like a domed pot cover . . . Thus . . . and so,
         from up above I’ll lay my ruler . . . it bends . . . thus . . .
         set my compass inside there . . . You see?

PISTHETAIROS
         I don’t get it.

METON
                             With this straight ruler here
         I measure this, so that your circle here	1290
         becomes a square—and right in the middle there
         we have a market place, with straight highways
         proceeding to the centre, like a star,
         which, although circular, shines forth straight beams
         in all directions . . . Thus . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                               This man’s a Thales!
         Now, Meton . . .

METON
                                What?

PISTHETAIROS
                                            You know I love you— 		[1010]
         so do as I say and head out of town.

METON
         Am I in peril?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                          It’s like in Sparta—
         they’re kicking strangers out—lots of trouble—
         plenty of beatings on the way through town. 	1300

METON
         You mean a revolution?

PISTHETAIROS
                               God no, not that.

METON
         Then what?

PISTHETAIROS
                                  They’ve reached a firm decision—
         it was unanimous—to punch out every quack.

METON
         I think I’d best be off.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                    You should, by god,
         although you may not be in time—the blows
         are coming thick and fast . . .

[Pisthetairos starts hitting Meton.]

METON [running off]
                                         O dear me . . . I’m in a pickle!

[Exit Meton. Pisthetairos yells after him.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Did I not say that some time ago?
         Go somewhere else and do your measuring! 		[1020]

[Enter an Athenian Commissioner. He is carrying voting urns. He is dressed in an extravagantly official costume.]

COMMISSIONER
         Where are your honorary governors?

PISTHETAIROS
         Who is this man—a Sardanapallos?	 1310

  COMMISSIONER
         I have come here to Cloudcuckooland
         as your Commissioner—I was picked by lot.

PISTHETAIROS
         As Commissioner? Who sent you here?

COMMISSIONER
         Some dreadful paper from that Teleas.

PISTHETAIROS
         How’d you like to receive your salary
         and leave, without doing anything?

COMMISSIONER
                                                                                By god,
         that would be nice. I should be staying at home
         for the assembly. I’ve been doing some work
         on Pharnakes’ behalf.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                       Then take your fee
         and go. Here’s what you get . . . [strikes him]

COMMISSIONER
                                              What was that?	1320

PISTHETAIROS
         A motion on behalf of Pharnakes. 		[1030]

[Pisthetairos strikes him again.]

COMMISSIONER
         I call on witnesses—he’s hitting me—
         He can’t do that—I’m a Commissioner!

[Exit the Commissioner, on the run. Pisthetairos chases him.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Piss off! And take your voting urns with you!
         Don’t you find it weird? Already they’ve sent out
         Commissioners to oversee the city,
         before we’ve made the gods a sacrifice.

[Enter a Statute-Seller reading from a long scroll.]

STATUTE SELLER
         “If a resident of Cloudcuckooland
         should wrong a citizen of Athens . . .”

PISTHETAIROS
         Here come scrolls again—what’s the trouble now? 	1330

STATUE SELLER
         I’m a statute seller—and I’ve come here
         to sell you brand-new laws.

PISTHETAIROS
                                          What laws?

STATUTE SELLER
                                                                   Like this—
         “Residents of Cloudcuckooland must use 		[1040]
         the same weights and measures and currency
         as those in Olophyxia.”

PISTHETAIROS [kicking him in the rear]
                                                                                   Soon enough
         you’ll use them on your ass, you Fix-your-Holean!!

STATUTE SELLER
         What’s up with you?

PISTHETAIROS
                                  Take your laws and shove off!
         Today I’ll give you laws you really feel!

[Statute Seller runs off. The Commissioner enters from the other side, behind Pisthetairos.]

COMMISSIONER [reading from a paper]
         “I summon Pisthetairos to appear in court
         in April on a charge of official outrage . . .” 	1340

PISTHETAIROS [turning]
         Really? You again! Why are you still here?

[Pisthetairos chases the Commissioner off again. The Statute Seller then re-appears on the other side, also reading from a paper.]

STATUTE SELLER
         “If anyone chases off court officers
         and won’t receive them as the law decrees . . .” 		[1050]

PISTHETAIROS [turning]
         This is getting really bad—you still here?

[Pisthetairos chases off the Statute Seller. The Commissioner re-appears on the other side of the stage.]

COMMISSIONER
         I’ll ruin you! I’m taking you to court—
         ten thousand drachmas you’ll . . .

PISTHETAIROS: [turning and chasing the Commissioner off stage]
         And I’ll throw out those voting urns of yours!

STATUTE SELLER [reappearing]
         Have you any memory of those evenings
         when you used to shit on public pillars
         where our laws are carved? 	1350

[The Statute Seller turns his back on Pisthetairos, lifts up his tunic, and farts at him.]

PISTHETAIROS [reacting to the smell]
                                                       O god! 
          Someone grab him.

[The Slaves try to catch the Statute Seller but he runs off. Pisthetairos calls after him.]

                                                      Not going to stick around?

[To Slaves] 

Let’s get out of here—and fast. Go inside.
We’ll sacrifice the goat to the gods in there.

[Pisthetairos and the slaves to inside the house.]

CHORUS
         All mortal men commencing on this day
         at every shrine will sacrifice to me,
         from now on offering me the prayers they say, 		[1060]
         for I control them all and everything I see.
         I watch the entire world, and I protect
         the growing crops, for I have power to kill
         the progeny of all the world’s insects, 	1360
         whose all-devouring jaws would eat their fill
         of what bursts out from seeds on ground below,
         or fruit above for those who lodge in trees.
         I kill the ones who, as the greatest foe,
         in sweet-smelling gardens cause great injuries
         All living beasts that bite and crawl
         are killed—my wings destroy them all. 		[1070]

CHORUS LEADER
         This public notice has been proclaimed today:
         the man who kills Diagoras the Melian
         will receive one talent—and if one of you	1370
         assassinates some tyrant long since dead and gone,
         he, too, will get one talent. So now, the birds, as well,
         wish to make the same announcement here. Anyone
         who kills Philocrates the Sparrowman will get
         one talent—and if he brings him in alive,
         he’ll get four. That man strings finches up together,
         then sells ’em—a single obol gets you seven.
         He injures thrushes by inflating them with air 		[1080]
         then puts them on display. And he stuff feathers
         up the blackbird’s nose. He captures pigeons, too, 	1380
         keeps them locked up, and forces them to work for him,
         tied up as decoy birds, underneath his nets.
         We wish to make this known to you. If anyone
         is keeping birds in cages in your courtyards,
         we tell you, “Let them go.” If you don’t obey,
         you, in your turn, will be arrested by the birds,
         tied up and forced to work as decoys where we live.

  CHORUS
                  O happy tribes
                  of feathered birds—
                  we never need	1390
                  a winter cloak. 		[1090]
                  In summer days
                  the sun’s far rays
                  don’t injure us.
                  I live at ease
                  among the leaves
                  in flowery fields.
                  In love with sun
                  cicadas sing
                  through noonday heat	1400
                  their sharp-toned song
                  divinely sweet.
                  In winter caves
                  and hollow spots
                  I play all day
                  with mountain nymphs.
                  In spring we eat
                  white myrtle buds,
                  our virgin treat,
                  in garden places	1410
                  of the Graces. 		[1100]

CHORUS LEADER
         We want to speak to all the judges here
         about our victory—the splendid things
         we’ll give them if their verdict goes our way—
         how they’ll get much lovelier gifts than those
         which Alexander got. And first of all,
         what every judge is really keen to have,
         some owls of Laureium who’ll never leave.
         They’ll nest inside your homes, hatch in your purse,
         and always breed small silver change. And then, 	1420
         as well as this, you’ll live in temple-homes.
         The birds will make your roof tops eagle-style, 		[1110]
         with pediments. If you hold some office,
         a minor post, and wish to get rich quick,
         we’ll set a sharp-beaked falcon in your hands.
         And if you need to eat, then we’ll dispatch
         a bird’s crop, where it keep its stored-up food.
         If you don’t vote for us, you should prepare
         some little metal plates to guard your head.
         You’ll need to wear them, just like statues do. 	1430
         For those of you without that head plate on,        
         when you dress up in fine white brand-new clothes,
         the birds will crap on as a punishment.

[Enter Pisthetairos from the house.]

PISTHETAIROS
         You birds, we’ve made a splendid sacrifice.
         But why is there still no messenger
         arriving from the walls to bring us news 		[1120]
         of what’s going on up there? Ah, here comes one,
         panting as if he’d run across that stream
         at Elis where Olympian athletes race.

[Enter First Messenger, out of breath.]

FIRST MESSENGER 
         Where is . . . Where is he . . . where . . . where is . . . 	1440
         where . . . where . . . our governor Pisthetairos?

PISTHETAIROS
         I’m here.

FIRST MESSENGER
                   The building of your wall . . . it’s done.

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s great news.

FIRST MESSENGER
                                   The result—the best there is . . .
         the most magnificent . . . so wide across . . .
         that Proxenides of Braggadocio
         and Theogenes could drive two chariots
         in opposite directions past each other
         along the top, with giant horses yoked,
         bigger than that wooden horse at Troy.

PISTHETAIROS [genuinely surprised]
         By Hercules!

FIRST MESSENGER
                                      I measured it myself—	1450 	[1130]
         its height—around six hundred feet.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                                           Wow!
         By Poseidon, that’s some height! Who built the wall
         as high as that?

FIRST MESSENGER
                                       The birds—nobody else.
         No Egyptian bore the bricks—no mason,
         no carpenter was there. They worked by hand—
         I was amazed. Thirty thousand cranes flew in
         from Lybia—they brought foundation stones
         they’d swallowed down. The corn crakes chipped away
         to form the proper shapes. Ten thousand storks
         brought bricks. Lapwings and other river birds	1460
         fetched water up into the air from down below. 		[1140]

PISTHETAIROS
         Who hauled the mortar up there for them?

FIRST MESSENGER
                                                                   Herons—
         they carried hods.

PISTHETAIROS
                                      How’d they load those hods?

FIRST MESSENGER
         My dear man, that was the cleverest thing of all.
         Geese shoved their feet into the muck and slid them,
         just like shovels, then flicked it in the hods.

PISTHETAIROS
         Is there anything we can’t do with our feet?

FIRST MESSENGER
         Then, by god, the ducks, with slings attached
         around their waists, set up the bricks. Behind them
         flew the swallows, like young apprentice boys, 	1470	[1150]
         with trowels—they carried mortar in their mouths.

PISTHETAIROS
         Why should we hire wage labour anymore?
         Go on—who finished off the woodwork on the wall?

FIRST MESSENGER
         The most skilled craftsmen-birds of all of them—
         woodpeckers. They pecked away to make the gates—
         the noise those peckers made—an arsenal!
         Now the whole thing has gates. They’re bolted shut
         and guarded on all sides. Sentries make rounds,
         patrolling with their bells, and everywhere 		[1160]
         troops are in position, with signal fires	1480
         on every tower. But I must go now—
         I need to wash. You’ll have to do the rest.

[Exit First Messenger.]

CHORUS LEADER
         What’s up with you? Aren’t you astonished
         to hear the wall’s been finished up so fast?

PISTHETAIROS
         Yes, by gods, I am. It is amazing!
         To me it sounds just like some made-up lie.
         But here comes a guard from there—he’ll bring news
         to us down here of what’s going on up top.
         He face looks like a dancing warrior’s.

[Enter the Second Messenger in a great panic and out of breath.]

SECOND MESSENGER
         Hey . . . hey . . . Help . . . hey you . . . help! 	1490	[1170]

PISTHETAIROS
         What’s going on?

SECOND MESSENGER
                                      We suffered something really bad . . .
         one of the gods from Zeus has just got through,
         flown past the gates into the air, slipping by
         the jackdaw sentinels on daytime watch.

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s bad! A bold and dangerous action.
         Which god was it?

SECOND MESSENGER
                                               We’re not sure. He had wings—
         we do know that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                You should have sent patrols
         of frontier guards out after him without delay.

SECOND MESSENGER
         We did dispatch the mounted archers—
         thirty thousand falcons, all moving out	1500	[1180]
         with talons curved and ready—kestrels, buzzards,
         vultures, eagles, owls—the air vibrating
         with the beat and rustle of their wings,
         as they search out that god. He’s not far off—
         in fact, he’s here somewhere already.

[Exit Second Messenger.]

PISTHETAIROS
         We’ll have to get our sling-shots out—and bows.
         All you orderlies come here! Fire away!
         Strike out! Someone fetch a sling for me!

[Xanthias and Manodorus enter with slings and bows. The group huddles together with weapons ready.]

CHORUS [in grand epic style]
         And now the combat starts, a strife beyond all words,
         me and the gods at war. Let everyone beware,	 1510	[1190]
         protect the cloud-enclosing air, which Erebus
         gave birth to long ago. Make sure no god slips through
         without our catching sight of him. Maintain your watch
         on every side—already I can hear close by
         the sound of beating wings from some god in the sky.

[Enter Iris, in long billowing dress and with a pair of wings. She descends from above, suspended by a cable and hovering in mid-air flapping her wings.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Hey, you—just where do you think you’re flying?
         Keep still. Stay where you are. Don’t move. Stop running.		[1200]
         Who are you? Where you from? You’ve got to tell me.
         Where’d you come from?

IRIS
                                          I’m from the Olympian gods.

PISTHETAIROS
         You got a name? You look like a ship up there—	1520
         the Salaminia or the Paralos.

 IRIS
                                                       I’m fast Iris.

PISTHETAIROS
         Fast as in a boat or fast as in a bitch?

IRIS
         What is all this?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                Is there a buzzard here
         who’ll fly up there to arrest this woman?

IRIS
         Arrest me? Why are you saying such rubbish?

PISTHETAIROS 
         You’re going to be very sorry about this.

IRIS
         This whole affair is most unusual.

PISTHETAIROS
         Listen, you silly old fool, what gates
         did you pass through to breach the wall?

IRIS
                                                          What gates?
         By god, I don’t have the least idea. 	1530 	[1210]

PISTHETAIROS
         Listen to her—how she feigns ignorance!
         Did you go past the jackdaw generals?
         You won’t answer that? Well then, where’s your pass,
         the one the storks give out?

IRIS
                                     What’s wrong with you?

PISTHETAIROS
         You don’t have one, do you?

IRIS
                                              Have you lost your wits?

PISTHETAIROS
         Didn’t some captain of the birds up there
         stick a pass on you?

IRIS
                                                   By god no, no one up there
         made a pass or shoved his stick at me, you wretch.

PISTHETAIROS
         So you just fly in here, without a word,
         going through empty space and through a city	1540
         which don’t belong to you?

IRIS
                                                        What other route
         are gods supposed to fly?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                        I’ve no idea.
         But, by god, not this way. It’s not legal. 		[1220]
         Right now you’re in breach of law. Do you know,
         of all the Irises there are around,
         if you got what you most deserve, you’d be
         the one most justly seized and sent to die.

IRIS
         But I’m immortal.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                             In spite of that,
         you would have died. For it’s obvious to me
         that we’d be suffering the greatest injury, 	1550
         if, while we rule all other things, you gods
         do just what you like and won’t recognize
         how you must, in your turn, attend upon
         those more powerful than you. So tell me,
         where are you sailing on those wings of yours?

IRIS
         Me? I’m flying to men from father Zeus, 		[1230]
         instructing them to sacrifice some sheep
         to the Olympian gods on sacred hearths—
         and fill their streets with smells of offerings.

PISTHETAIROS
         Who are you talking about? Which gods? 	1560

IRIS
         Which gods? Why us of course—the gods in heaven.

PISTHETAIROS
         And you’re the gods?

IRIS
                           Are there any other deities?

PISTHETAIROS
         The birds are now men’s gods—and to the birds
         men must now sacrifice and not, by god, to Zeus.

IRIS [in the grand tragic style]
         Thou fool, thou fool, stir not the awesome minds of gods,
         lest Justice with the mighty mattock of great Zeus 		[1240]
         destroy your race completely—and smoke-filled flames
         from Licymnian lightning bolts burn into ash
         your body and your home . . .

PISTHETAIROS [interrupting]
         Listen, woman—stop your spluttering.
         Just keep still. Do you think you’re scaring off	1570
         some Lydian or Phrygian with such threats?
         You should know this—if Zeus keeps on annoying me,
         I’ll burn his home and halls of Amphion,
         reduce them all to ash with fire eagles.
         I’ll send more than six hundred birds—porphyrions
         all dressed in leopard skins, up there to heaven, 		[1250]
         to war on him. Once a single porphyrion
         caused him distress enough. And as for you,
         if you keep trying to piss me off, well then,
         I’ll deal with Zeus’s servant Iris first—	1580
         I’ll fuck your knickers off—you’d be surprised
         how hard an old man’s prick like mine can be—
         it’s strong enough to ram your hull three times.

IRIS
         Blast you, you wretch, and your obscenities!

PISTHETAIROS
         Go way! Get a move on! Shoo!

[Iris begins to move up and away.]

IRIS
                                                                                   My father
         won’t stand for insolence like this—he’ll stop you!

PISTHETAIROS
         Just go away, you silly fool! Fly off 		[1210]
         and burn someone to ashes somewhere else.

[Exit Iris.]

CHORUS
         On Zeus’s family of gods we’ve shut our door—
         they’ll not be passing through my city any more. 	1590
         Nor will men down below in future time invoke
         the gods by sending them their sacrificial smoke.

PISTHETAIROS
         Something’s wrong. That messenger we sent,
         the one that went to human beings, what if
         he never gets back here again? 		[1270]

[Enter First Herald, a bird, carrying a golden crown.]

FIRST HERALD
         O Pisthetairos, you blessed one,
         wisest and most celebrated of all men . . .
         the cleverest and happiest . . . trebly blest . . .	
         Speak something to me . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                                    What are you saying?

FIRST HERALD 
         All people, in honour of your wisdom, 	1600
         crown you with this golden diadem.

PISTHETAIROS [putting on the crown]
                                                                          I accept.
         But why do people honour me so much?

FIRST HERALD
         O you founder of this most famous town,
         this city in the sky, do you not know
         how much respect you have among all men,
         how many men there are who love this place?
         Before you built your city in the air, 		[1280]
         all men were mad for Sparta—with long hair,
         they went around half starved and never washed,
         like Socrates—and carrying knobbed sticks. 	1610
         But now they’ve all completely changed—these days
         they’re crazy for the birds. For sheer delight
         they imitate the birds in everything.
         Early in the day when they’ve just got up,
         like us, they all flock to feed together,
         but on their laws, browsing legal leaflets,
         nibbling their fill of all decrees. So mad
         have they become for birds that many men 		[1290]
         have had the names of birds assigned to them.
         One lame tradesman now is called the Partridge. 	1620
         And Melanippus’ name is changed to Swallow,
         Opuntius the Raven with One Eye.
         Philocles becomes the Lark, and Sheldrake
         is now Teagenes’s name. Lycurgus
         has become the Ibis, Chaerephon the Bat,
         Syracosius the Jay, and Meidias
         is now named the Quail—he looks like one
         right after the quail flicker’s tapped its head.
         They’re so in love with birds they all sing songs 		[1300]
         with lines about a swallow or a duck, 	1630
         or goose, some kind of pigeon, or just wings,
         even about some tiny bits of feather.
         That’s what’s going on down there. I tell you,
         more than ten thousand men are coming here,
         demanding wings and talons in their lives.
         You’ve got to find a way to get some wings
         for your new colonists and immigrants.

 [Exit First Herald.]

PISTHETAIROS
         All right, by god, this is no time for us
         to just stand around. You, get inside there—
         fill all the crates and baskets up with feathers. 	1640 	[1310]
         Get on with it as fast as possible.
         Let Manes haul the wings out here to me.
         I’ll welcome those who come from down below.

[Xanthias and Manodoros go inside the house and start bringing out baskets of feathers.]

CHORUS
         Our city soon will have a reputation
         for a large and swelling population.

PISTHETAIROS
         Just let our luck hold out!

CHORUS
         Our city here inspires so much love . . .

PISTHETAIROS [to Manodoros, who is bringing out a basket]
         I’m telling you you’ve got to bring it fast!

CHORUS
         For what do we not have here up above
         which any men require in their places?	 1650
         Desire, Wisdom, and eternal Graces—
         we’ve got them all and what is still the best—
         the happy face of gentle peaceful Rest.

PISTHETAIROS [to Manes]
         God, you’re a lazy slave—move it! Faster!

CHORUS
         Let him bring the wings in baskets on the go—
         then once more run at him—give him a blow.
         The lad is like a donkey—he’s that slow.

PISTHETAIROS 
         Yes, that Manes is a useless slave.

CHORUS
         Now first of all you need to sort 		[1330]
         these wings all out for each cohort—	1660
         musical wings and wings of seers,
         wings for the sea. You must be clear—
         you need to look at all such things
         when you give every man his wings.

[Manes comes out with a basket, again moving very slowly.]

PISTHETAIROS 
         By the kestrels, I can’t stop grabbing you—
         when I see how miserably slow you are.

[Manes twists loose and runs back into the house. A young man enters singing.]

YOUNG MAN [singing]
         Oh, I wish I could an eagle be
         soaring high above the barren sea,
         the grey-blue ocean swell so free.

PISTHETAIROS
         It looks like our messenger told us the truth—	1670
         here comes someone singing that eagle-song.

YOUNG MAN
         Damn it—there’s nothing in the world as sweet
         as flying . . .

<PISTHETAIROS
         You’ve come to get some wings from us, I’d guess.>

  YOUNG MAN
         Yes, I’m in love with all your birdy ways—
         I want to live with you and fly. Besides,
         I think your laws are really keen.

PISTHETAIROS
         What laws? The birds have many laws.

YOUNG MAN
         All of them—but I really like that one
         which says it’s all right for a younger bird
         to beat up his old man and strangle him. 	1680

PISTHETAIROS
         Yes, by god, we think it very manly
         when a bird, while still a chick, beats up his dad. 		[1350]

YOUNG MAN
         That’s why I want to re-locate up here—
         I’d love to choke my father, get all his stuff.

PISTHETAIROS
         But there’s an ancient law among the birds—
         inscribed in stone on tablets of the storks,
         “When father stork has raised up all his young,
         when they are set to fly out of the nest,
         then young storks must, in their turn, care for him.”

YOUNG MAN
         So coming here has been no use, by god, 	1690
         if I’ve now got to feed my father, too.

PISTHETAIROS
         No, no. My dear young man, since you came here 		[1360]
         in all good faith, I’ll fix you up with wings
         just like an orphan bird. And I’ll give you
         some fresh advice—something I learned myself
         when I was just a lad. Don’t thump your dad.

[Pisthetairos starts dressing the boy as a bird as he says the following lines.]

         Take this wing here, and in your other hand
         hold this spur tight. Think of this crest on top
         as from a fighting cock. Then stand your guard,
         go on a march, live on a soldier’s pay—	1700
         and let your father live. You like to fight,
         so fly away to territories in Thrace,
         and do your fighting there.

YOUNG MAN
                                                   By Dionysus,
         I think the advice you give is good. 		[1370]
         I’ll do just what you say.

PISTHETAIROS
                                             And now, by Zeus,
         you’re talking sense.

[Exit Young Man. Enter Cinesias, singing and dancing very badly.]

CINESIAS [singing]   
                   To Olympus on high
                   with my wings I will fly—
                   With this song I will soar
                   and then sing a few more . . . 	1710

PISTHETAIROS
         This creature needs a whole pile of wings!

CINESIAS [singing]   
                  For my body and mind
                  know not fear, so I’ll find . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         Cinesias, welcome. Let me now greet
         a man as thin as bark on linden trees!
         Why have you come whirling here on such lame feet?

CINESIAS [singing]
                   A bird—that’s what I long to be, 		[1380]
                   a clear-voice nightingale—that’s me.

PISTHETAIROS
         Stop singing—just tell me what you want to say.

CINESIAS
         I want you to give me wings, then float up, 	1720
         flying high into the clouds where I can pluck
         wind-whirling preludes swept with snow.

PISTHETAIROS
         You want to get your preludes from the clouds?

CINESIAS
         But all our skill depends upon the clouds.
         Our brilliant dithyrambs are made of air—
         of mist and gleaming murk and wispy wings.
         You’ll soon see that—once you’ve heard a few. 		[1390]

PISTHETAIROS
         No, no—I won’t.

CINESIAS
                                       Yes, by Hercules, you will.
         For you I’ll run through all the airs . . . 

[starts singing]

         O you images of birds, 	1730
         who extend your wings,
         who tread upon the air,
         you long-necked birds . . .

PISTHETAIROS [trying to interrupt]
         All right. Enough!

CINESIAS [ignoring Pisthetairos, continuing to sing another song]
         Soaring upward as I roam.
         I wander floating on the breeze . . .

PISTHETAIROS [looking in one of the baskets of wings]
         By heaven, I’ll stop these blasting winds of yours!

[Pisthetairos takes a pair of wings and starts poking Cinesias around the stage with them, tickling him.]

CINESIAS [dodging away from Pisthetairos and continuing to sing]
         First I head along the highway going down south,
         but then my body turns towards the windy north,
         as I slice airy furrows where no harbour lies . . . 	1740 	[1400]

[Cinesias has to stop singing because Pisthetairos is tickling him too much with the wings. He stops running off and singing. He’s somewhat out of breath.]

         Old man, that’s a clever trick—pleasant, too—
         but really clever.

PISTHETAIROS
                                       You mean you don’t enjoy
         being whisked with wings?

CINESIAS
                                         Is that the way you treat
         the man who trains the cyclic choruses—
         the one whom tribes of men still fight to have?

PISTHETAIROS
         Would you like to stick around this place
         to train a chorus here for Leotrophides,
         made up of flying birds—the swallow tribe?
CINESIAS
         You’re making fun of me—that’s obvious.
         But I won’t stop here until I get some wings 	1750
         and I can run through all the airs.

[Exit Cinesias. Enter a Sycophant, singing to himself.]

SYCOPHANT [singing]
         Who are these birds with mottled wing? 		[1410]
         They don’t appear to own a thing—
         O dappled swallow with extended wing . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         This is no minor problem we’ve stirred up—
         here comes one more person singing to himself.

SYCOPHANT [singing]
         O long and dappled wings, I call once more . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         It seems to me his song’s about his cloak—
         he needs a lot of swallows to bring in the spring.

  SYCOPHANT
         Where’s the man who’s handing out the wings	1760
         to all who travel here?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                  He’s standing here.
         But you should tell me what you need.

SYCOPHANT
                                                          Wings, wings.
         I need wings. Don’t ask me that again. 		[1420]

PISTHETAIROS
         Do you intend to fly off right away,
         heading for Pellene?

SYCOPHANT
                                                     No, not at all.	
         I’m a summons server for the islands—
         an informer, too . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                       You’re a lucky man
         to have such a fine profession.

SYCOPHANT
                                                . . . and I hunt around
         to dig up law suits. That’s why I need wings,
         to roam around delivering summonses 	1770
         in allied states.

PISTHETAIROS
                                             If you’re equipped with wings,
         will that make you more skilled in serving men?

SYCOPHANT
         No. But I’d escape being hurt by pirates.
         And then I could return home with the cranes,
         once I’ve swallowed many law suits down
         to serve as ballast.

PISTHETAIROS
                                        Is that what you do for work? 		[1430]
         Tell me this—you’re a strong young lad and yet
         don’t you slander strangers for a living?

SYCOPHANT
         What can I do? I never learned to dig.

PISTHETAIROS
         But, by god, there are other decent jobs,	 1780
         where a young man like you can earn his way,
         more honest trades than launching still more law suits.

SYCOPHANT
         My good man, don’t keep lecturing me like this.
         Give me some wings.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     I’m giving you some wings—
         I’m doing it as I talk to you right now.

SYCOPHANT
         How can you put wings on men with words?

PISTHETAIROS
         With words all men can give themselves their wings.

SYCOPHANT
         All men?

PISTHETAIROS
                         Have you never heard in barber shops
         how fathers always talk of their young sons— 		[1440]
         “It’s dreadful the way that Diitrephes’ speech	1790
         has given my young lad ambitious wings,
         so now he wants to race his chariot.”
         Another says “That boy of mine has wings
         and flutters over tragedies.”

SYCOPHANT
                                                         So with words
         they’re really given wings?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                  That what I said.
         With words our minds are raised—a man can soar.
         That’s how I want to give you wings—with words,
         with useful words, so you can change your life
         and get a lawful occupation.

SYCOPHANT
                                           But I don’t want to. 		[1450]

PISTHETAIROS
         What will you do?

SYCOPHANT
                                            I’ll not disgrace my folks.	 1800
         Informing—that’s my family’s profession.
         So give me now some light, fast falcon’s wings—
         or kestrel’s—then I can serve my papers
         on those foreigners, lay the charges here,
         and fly back there again.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                   Ah, I get it—
         what you’re saying is that the case is judged
         before the stranger gets here.

SYCOPHANT
                                                   That’s right.
         You understand exactly what I do.

PISTHETAIROS
         And then, while he’s travelling here by ship,
         you fly out there to seize his property. 	1810

SYCOPHANT
         You’ve said it all. I’ve got to whip around 		[1460]
         just like a whirling top.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                         I understand—
         a whirling top. Well, here, by god, I’ve got
         the finest wings. They’re from Corcyra . . . here!

[Pisthetairos produces a whip from the basket and begins hitting the Sycophant, who dodges around to evade the blows.]

SYCOPHANT
         Ouch! That’s a whip you’ve got!

PISTHETAIROS
                                                          No—a pair of wings.
         With them I’ll make you spin around all day!

SYCOPHANT
         Ow! Help! That hurts!

PISTHETAIROS
                                Wing your way from here!
         Get lost—I want rid of you, you rascal!
         I’ll show you legal tricks and twists—sharp ones, too!

[Pisthetairos beats the Sycophant off stage. Enter Xanthias and Manodorus from the house.]

         Let’s gather up these wings and go inside. 	1820

[Pisthetairos and the two slaves carry the baskets of wings back into the house.]

CHORUS:
                When we fly 		[1470]
                we often spy
                strange amazing spots—
                in those flights	
                peculiar sights.

         There’s a tree grows far from us
         simply called Cleonymos,
         a useless tree, without a heart—
         immense, and vile in every part.
         It always blooms in early spring, 	1830
         bursting forth with everything
         that launches legal quarrelling.
         and then in winter time it yields	 	[1480]
         a shedding foliage of shields.

                  There’s a land
                  ringed by the dark,
                  a gloomy wilderness,
                  where Heroes meet
                  and with men eat.

         Men live with heroes in that place, 	1840
         except at dusk—then it’s not safe
         for the two of them to meet.
         Men who in the night time greet 		[1490]
         the great Orestes are stripped bare
         he strikes at them and leaves them there.
         And so without their clothes they bide—
         paralysed on their right side.

[Enter Prometheus, muffling his face in a long scarf and holding an open umbrella.]
PROMETHEUS
         Oh, dear, dear, dear. I pray Zeus doesn’t see me.
         Where’s Pisthetairos?

[Pisthetairos enters from the house carrying a chamber pot. He is surprised to see the new arrival.]

PISTHETAIROS
                             Who’s this? Why so muffled?

PROMETHEUS
         Do you see any god who’s trailed me here? 	1850

PISTHETAIROS
         No, by Zeus, I don’t. But who are you?

PROMETHEUS
         What time of day is it?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                 What time of day?
         A little after noon. But who are you?

PROMETHEUS
         Quitting time or later? 		[1500]

PISTHETAIROS
                                     You’re pissing me off . . .

PROMETHEUS
         What’s Zeus up to? What about the clouds—
         is he scattering them—or bringing them together?

PISTHETAIROS
         You’re a total fool!

PROMETHEUS
                                     All right—then I’ll unwrap.

[Prometheus takes off the muffler concealing his face.]

PISTHETAIROS
         Prometheus, my friend!

PROMETHEUS
                            Hey, quiet. Don’t shout.

PISTHETAIROS
         What’s the matter?

PROMETHEUS
                                     Shhh . . . don’t shout my name.
         I’m done for if Zeus can see I’m here. 	1860
         But I’ll tell you what’s going on up there,
         if you take this umbrella. Hold it up,
         above our heads—that way no god can see.

PISTHETAIROS
         Ah ha! Now that’s a smart precaution— 		[1510]
         that’s forethought, just like Prometheus!
         Come under here—make it fast—all right, now,
         you can talk without a worry.

[Pisthetairos and Prometheus huddle together under the umbrella.]

PROMETHEUS
                                 Then listen.

PISTHETAIROS
         I’m listening—speak up.

PROMETHEUS
                                     Zeus is done for.

PISTHETAIROS
         And when was he done in?

PROMETHEUS
                                                                    It happened
         once you colonized the air. From that point on, 	1870
         no human being has made a sacrifice
         to any god, not once—and since that time
         no savoury smells from roasting thigh bones
         have risen up to us from down below.
         So now, without our offerings, we must fast,
         as if it’s time for Thesmophoria.
         The barbarian gods are starving—so now 		[1520]
         they scream out like Illyrians and say
         their armies will march down attacking Zeus,
         unless he moves to get the ports re-opened,	1880
         to make sliced entrails once again available.

PISTHETAIROS
         You mean other gods, barbarian ones,
         are there above you?

PROMETHEUS
         Barbarian deities? Of course.
         That’s where Execestides derives
         all his ancestral family gods.

PISTHETAIROS
         What’s the name of these barbarian gods?

PROMETHEUS
         The name? They’re called Triballians.

PISTHETAIROS
         I see—that must be where we get our phrase
         a god’s got me “by the balls.” 		[1530]

PROMETHEUS
                                                            You got that right.
         Now let me tell you something to the point—	1890
         ambassadors are coming here to settle this,
         from Zeus and those Triballians up there.
         But don’t agree to peace unless great Zeus
         gives back his sceptre to the birds again,
         and gives the Princess to you as your wife.

PISTHETAIROS
         Whose this Princess?

PROMETHEUS
                                                      The loveliest of girls—
         she’s the one in charge of Zeus’s thunderbolt
         and all his assets—wise advice, good laws,
         sound common sense, dockyards, slanderous talk— 		[1540]
         his paymistress who hands three obols out	1900
         to jury men . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                              So in Zeus’s name,
         she’s the one in charge of everything?

PROMETHEUS
                                                              That’s right.
         If you get her from Zeus, you’ve got it all.
         That’s why I came here to tell you this.
         I’ve always been a friend of human beings.

PISTHETAIROS
         Yes, of all the gods it’s thanks to you
         that we can fry up fish.

PROMETHEUS
                                                 I hate all gods—
         but you know that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                               You’ve always hated them.
         Heaven knows—it’s something natural to you.

PROMETHEUS
         I’m Timon through and through. Time to get back. 	1910
         So let me have the parasol. That way,
         if Zeus does catch sight of me from there,
         he’ll think I’m following some basket girl.

PISTHETAIROS
         Take the piss pot, too—then you can act
         as if you’re the one who’s carrying the stool.

[Prometheus leaves with the umbrella and the pot. Pisthetairos goes back into the house.]

CHORUS
         By that tribe of men with such huge feet
         they use them for a shade retreat,
         there’s stands a lake where Socrates,
         deceives men’s souls, that unwashed tease.
         Peisander went there to find out	1920
         the spirit his life had been without.
         A big young camel he did slay, 		[1560]
         then, like Odysseus, snuck away.
         By camel’s blood to that place drawn,
         up pops a Bat—it’s Chaerephon!

[Enter Poseidon, Hercules, and the Triballian god.]

POSEIDON
         Here it is—Cloudcuckooland—in plain view,
         city we’ve come to as ambassadors.

[Poseidon inspects the clothing on the Triballian god.]

         What are you doing? Why drape your cloak that way,
         from right to left? It’s got to be re-slung
         the other way—like this.

[The Triballian tries to reshape his cloak but gets in a mess.]

                                               You fumbling idiot—	1930
         a born Laespodias, that’s what you are!
         O democracy! Where are you taking us, 		[1570]
         when gods vote in a clumsy oaf like this?

[Poseidon continues to fuss over the Triballian’s appearance.]

         Keep your hands still! Oh, to hell with you!
         You’re the most uncivilized of all the gods
         I’ve ever seen. All right, Hercules,
         what do we do?
HERCULES
                                 You’ve heard what I propose.
         I’d like to wring his neck—whoever he is
         who set up this blockade against the gods.

POSEIDON
         But you forget, my friend, that we’ve been sent	1940
         as envoys to negotiate down here.

HERCULES
         That just makes me want to throttle him
         twice as much as I wanted to before.

[The wall of the house now moves off to reveal Pisthetairos and the slaves getting dinner ready. They are preparing birds to cook in the oven.]

PISTHETAIROS
         The grater for the cheese—can someone get it?
         And bring the silphium. Hand me the cheese.
         Now, fire up the coals. 		[1580]

POSEIDON
                                             Greetings, mortal.
         We three are gods, and we salute you!

PISTHETAIROS
         But I’m grating silphium right now.

HERCULES
         What kind of meat is this?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                       The meat’s from birds—
         they’ve been tried and sentenced for rebellion, 	1950
         rising up against the fowl democracy.

HERCULES
         Is that why you’re shredding silphium
         all over them before doing something else?

PISTHETAIROS [looking up and recognizing Hercules]
         Well, hello there, Hercules. What’s up?

POSEIDON
         We’ve come as envoys sent down from the gods
         to negotiate the terms for peace.

PISTHETAIROS [to one of the slaves] 
         There’s no oil left in the jug.

HERCULES
                                                  And bird meat
         should be glistening with lots of oil. 		[1590]

POSEIDON
         We gods get no advantage from this war.
         If you and yours were friendly to the gods, 	1960
         you’d have water from the rain in all your ponds—
         halcyon days would be here all the time.
         We’ve come with total powers in such things.

PISTHETAIROS
         From the start we didn’t launch a war on you—
         and we’re ready to talk peace, if that’s your wish,
         provided you’re prepared to do what’s right.
         And here’s what’s right: Zeus gives his sceptre back
         to us—I mean the birds—once more. And then,
         if we can settle this on these conditions,	
         I’ll invite the envoys to have lunch with me. 	1970

HERCULES [salivating over the prepared bird]
         That’s just fine with me! I vote we say . . .

POSEIDON [interrupting]
         What’s that you fool! Idiotic glutton!
         You want give away your father’s power? 		[1600]

PISTHETAIROS
         Is that what you think? Look, if birds here
         rule everything down there, won’t you gods above
         be even stronger? Now underneath the clouds
         men can bend down and swear false oaths to you.
         But once the birds and you become allies, 		[1610]
         if any man should swear by Raven and by Zeus
         and then perjure himself, Raven would come by, 	1980
         swoop down upon the man before he sees him,
         peck at his eye and pluck it out.
POSEIDON
                                                       By Poseidon,
         what you’re saying makes good sense!

HERCULES
                                 Sounds good to me.

PISTHETAIROS [to the Triballian god]
         What do you say?

TRIBALLIAN [speaking foreign gibberish]
                                                Nab aist roo.

PISTHETAIROS
         You hear what he said? He agrees with you.
         Now listen up—here’s yet another benefit
         you’ll get from us. If any man once vows
         to one of the gods he’ll sacrifice a beast,
         then tries to talk his way out of doing it
         by splitting hairs and, acting on his greed,	1990
         holds back his vow, saying “Gods are patient,” 		[1620]
         we’ll make him pay for that as well.

POSEIDON
                                                         How?
         Tell us how you’d do that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                  Well, at some point,
         when that man is counting up his wealth
         or sitting in his bath, some kite will fly down,
         while he’s not paying attention, grab his cash,
         the value of two sheep, and carry that
         up to the god.

HERCULES
                                             He gets my vote again—
         I say we give the sceptre back to them.

POSEIDON
         All right—ask the Triballian. 	2000

HERCULES [threateningly]
                                                                             Hey, you—
         Triballian—want me to smack you round?

TRIBALLIAN [afraid]
         Oo smacka skeen dat steek?

HERCULES
                                     He says it’s fine—
         he agrees with me.

POSEIDON
                                      Well, if it’s what you want, 		[1630]
         then it’s all right with me.

HERCULES [to Pisthetairos]
         Hey, we’re ready to agree to terms
         about the sceptre.

PISTHETAIROS
                                  By god, there’s one more thing—
         I’ve just remembered. I’ll let Zeus keep Hera,
         but he must give me that young girl Princess.
         She’s to be my wife.

POSEIDON
                                                            Then you don’t want
         a real negotiation. Come on, let’s go back home.

PISTHETAIROS
         That’s up to you. Hey, cook, watch that gravy. 	2010
         Make sure you make it sweet!

HERCULES
                                                          Hey, Poseidon,
         my dear fellow, where you going? Come on,
         are we going to war about a woman?

POSEIDON
         What should we do?

HERCULES
                                       Do? Settle this matter.

POSEIDON
         What? You fool! Don’t you see what he’s doing,
         how all this time he’s been deceiving you?
         You’re ruining yourself, you know. If Zeus dies,
         after giving all his sovereignty to birds,
         you’ll have nothing. Right now you’re his heir—
         you get whatever’s left when Zeus departs. 	2020

PISTHETAIROS [to Hercules]
         Oh dear, dear—how he’s trying to play with you.
         Come on over here—let me tell you something.

[Pisthetairos and Hercules talk apart from the others.]

         You uncle’s putting one over on you,
         you poor fool—because, according to the law,
         you don’t get the smallest piece of property
         from your father’s goods. You’re illegitimate— 		[1650]
         you’re a bastard.

HERCULES
                                  A bastard? What do you mean?

PISTHETAIROS
         I mean just what I say. Now, your mother—
         she was an alien woman. And Athena—
         do you think a daughter could inherit	2030
         if she’s got legal brothers?

HERCULES [very puzzled]
                                                            But once he dies,
         couldn’t my dad leave me all his property
         as a bastard’s share?

PISTHETAIROS
                                                  The law won’t let him.
         The first one to claim your father’s property
         will be Poseidon here, who’s raised your hopes.
         He’ll claim he’s your father’s legal brother.
         I’ll read you what Solon’s laws dictate— 		[1660]

[Pisthetairos pulls a piece of paper out and reads.]

         “If there are lawful children, then a bastard
         has no rights as a close blood relative.
         If there are no lawful children, the goods	2040
         go to the nearest next of kin.”

HERCULES
                                                                         What!
         I don’t get anything from my dad’s stuff?

PISTHETAIROS
         Not a thing, by god. So tell me this—
         has your father introduced you to his kin group yet?

HERCULES
         No, not me. As a matter of fact,
         I’ve been wondering about that for some time.

PISTHETAIROS
         Well, don’t just stare up there, mouth wide open,
         planning an assault. Join up with us instead.
         I’ll make you a king and give you bird’s milk. 	2050

HERCULES
         I’ve always thought you’re right in what you say
         about the girl. I’d hand her over to you.

PISTHETAIROS [to Poseidon]
         What do you say?

POSEIDON
                                          I vote no.

PISTHETAIROS
                                                                        So now,
         it’s up to the Triballian here. What you say?

TRIBALLIAN
         De geerl geeve over greet souvrin bridies.

HERCULES
         There! He says to hand her over.

POSEIDON
                                                      No by god! 		[1680]
         he never said to give her up—no way.
         He’s just babbling like a swallow.

HERCULES
         So he said hand her over to the swallows!

POSEIDON
         You two work it out—agree on peace terms. 	2060
         Since you’re both for it, I’ll say nothing more.

HERCULES
         We’re ready now to give you all you ask.
         So come along with us in person—
         up to heaven—there you can get your Princess,
         and all those other things as well.

PISTHETAIROS [pointing to the cooking he’s been preparing]
         So these birds were slaughtered in good time
         before the wedding feast.

HERCULES
                                                                If you want to,
         I could stay here and roast the meat. You go. 		[1690]

POSEIDON
         Roast the meat? You mean you’d wolf it down,
         you glutton. Come on with us. Let’s go. 	2070

HERCULES [reluctantly leaving]
         I’d have enjoyed eating that.

PISTHETAIROS [calling to his slaves]
                                                                                     Hey, you—
         one of you bring me out some wedding clothes!

[Pisthetairus, Poseidon, Hercules, and the Triballian god leave.]

CHORUS
         In lands of Litigation there’s a place—
         it’s right beside the water clock—
         where that villainous and thieving race
         of tongue-and-belly men all flock.
         They use their tongues to sow and reap,
         to harvest grapes and figs en masse.
         A crude barbarian tribe, a heap 		[1700]
         of Philipses and Gorgias. 	2080
         From these horse-loving sycophants,
         who use their tongues to cram their gut,
         through all of Attica’s expanse
         in sacrifice the tongue’s first cut.

 [Enter Second Herald.]

SECOND HERALD
         You here who’ve done fine things, more wonderful
         than I can say, you thrice-blessed race with wings,
         you birds, welcome now your king on his return,
         as he comes back among these wealthy halls.
         Here he approaches—you’ll never see a star
         so bright in any gleaming home of gold. 	2090	[1710]
         No—not even the far-reaching rays of sun
         have ever shone as splendidly as he,
         the man who brings with him his lovely wife,
         too beautiful for words, and brandishing
         the winged thunderbolt from Zeus. Sweet smells
         are rising up, high into heaven’s vault,
         a glorious spectacle, and wisps of smoke
         from burning incense are blown far and wide.
         Here he is in person. Let the sacred Muse
         open her lips in a triumphal holy song. 	2100

[Enter Pisthetairos and his bride Princess.]

CHORUS
         Back off, break up, make room— 		[1720]
         And wing your way around the man
         so blessed with blissful fortune.
         O, O—such beauty and such youth!
         What a blessing for this city of the birds
         is this fine marriage you have made.
         A great good fortune now attends us,
         the race of birds—such mighty bliss,
         thanks to this man. So welcome back
         with nuptial chants and wedding songs	2110
         our man himself and his Princess.

         Olympian Hera and great Zeus
         who rules the gods on lofty thrones
         the Fates once joined with wedding songs.
         O Hymen, Hymenaeus!

         And rich young Eros in his golden wings
         held tight the reins as charioteer
         at Zeus’s wedding to the happy Hera.

         O Hymen, Hymenaeus,
         O Hymen, Hymenaeus. 	2120

PISTHETAIROS
         Your chants fill me with great delight,
         as do you songs. And I just love your words.

CHORUS
         Come now, celebrate in song
         earth-shattering thunder, Zeus’s lightning fire—
         which now belong to him—
         that dreaded bolt white lighting, too.
         Oh, that great golden blaze of lightning,
         that immortal fiery spear of Zeus,
         and groaning thunders bringing rain— 		[1750]
         with you this man now rattles Earth. 	2130
         And everything that Zeus once had,
         he’s got it all—and that includes
         our Princess, who once sat by Zeus’s throne.
         O Hymen, Hymenaeus!

PISTHETAIROS
         Now all you feathered tribes of friends,
         come follow me on this my wedding flight.
         Let’s wing our way up there to Zeus’s house
         and to our wedding bed. Reach out your hand,
         my blissful love, and take hold of my wing— 		[1760]
         then dance with me. I’ll lift and carry you. 	2140

[Pisthetairos and Princess lead the procession off the stage.]

CHORUS
         Alalalalai—
         Raise triumphal cries of joy,
         sing out the noble victor’s song—
         the mightiest and highest of all gods!

[The procession exits singing and dancing, accompanying Pisthetairos and his bride up to Heaven.]

A Note on the Translator

Ian Johnston is a retired college and university instructor  at Vancouver Island University, Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada. A number of his translations have been published by Richer Resources Publications, as follows:

Aeschylus, Oresteia
Aeschylus, Persians
Aeschylus, Prometheus Bound
Aeschylus, Seven Against Thebes
Aeschylus, Suppliant Women
Aristophanes, Birds
Aristophanes, Clouds
Aristophanes, Frogs
Aristophanes, Knights
Aristophanes, Lysistrata
Aristophanes, Peace
Cuvier, Discourse on Revolutionary Upheavals on the Surface of the Earth
Descartes, Discourse on Method
Descartes, Meditations on First Philosophy
Diderot, D’Alembert’s Dream
Diderot, Rameau’s Nephew
Euripides, Bacchae
Euripides, Medea
Euripides, Orestes
Homer, Iliad (Complete and Abridged)
Homer, Odyssey (Complete and Abridged)
Kafka, Metamorphosis and Other Stories
Kant, On Perpetual Peace
Kant, Universal Natural History and Theory of the Heavens
Lucretius, The Nature of Things
Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil
Nietzsche, Birth of Tragedy
Nietzsche, Genealogy of Morals
Nietzsche, Uses and Abuses of History
Ovid, Metamorphoses
Sophocles, Ajax
Sophocles, Antigone
Sophocles, Electra
Sophocles, Oedipus at Colonus
Sophocles, Oedipus the King
Sophocles, Philoctetes
Some of these titles have been published as recordings by Naxos Audiobo0ks. Ian Johnston maintains a website at the following address (where these translated text are freely available):
records.viu.ca/~johnstoi/index.htm