ARISTOPHANES

PEACE
 
Translated by Ian Johnston
Vancouver Island University
Nanaimo, British Columbia
Canada

This text was first published in 2010 on the internet and by Richer Resources Publications (Arlington, Virginia, USA; ISBN 978-1-935238-95-9; LCCN 2010934854); it has undergone a few minor revisions since. 
This document is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution CC by 4.0 and thus, provided the source is acknowledged, it may be (a) downloaded and distributed, in whole or in part, without permission and without charge and (b) freely edited and adapted to suit the particular needs of the person using it (e.g., for dramatic performance)

TRANSLATOR'S NOTE

Note that in the following translation, the line numbers without brackets refer to the English text and those within square brackets refer to the Greek text. In the former, a partial indented line is normally combined in the reckoning with the short line immediately before it. Stage directions and footnotes have been supplied by the translator.

In this translation, possessives of words ending in -s are usually indicated in the common way (that is, by adding -’s (e.g. Zeus and Zeus’s). This convention adds a syllable to the spoken word (the sound -iz). Sometimes, for metrical reasons, this English text indicates such possession in an alternate manner, with a simple apostrophe. This form of the possessive does not add an extra syllable to the spoken name (e.g., Orestes and Orestes’ are both three-syllable words; whereas, Orestes’s has four syllables). 
The translator would like to acknowledge the valuable help of Alan H. Sommerstein’s commentary on the play in his book Peace (Aris & Phillips, 1985)
 
BACKGROUND NOTE
 
Peace was first produced in Athens in 421 BC, where it won second prize in the Dionysia. Athens had been at war with Sparta for a number of years. However, peace negotiations had been going on, and it looked as if the two sides might just agree to end (or at least suspend) their hostilities.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE
 
FIRST SERVANT: a slave belonging to Trygaeus.
SECOND SERVANT: a slave belonging to Trygaeus.
DAUGHTERS: two daughters of Trygaeus.
TRYGAEUS: a middle-aged farmer.
HERMES: a god, divine son of Zeus.
WAR: a god.
UPROAR: a young servant to War.
CHORUS: farmers and servants from different city states.
HIEROCLES: a seller of oracles.
SICKLE MAKER.
JAR MAKER.
ARMS DEALER.
ARMOURER.
TRUMPET MAKER.
SPEAR MAKER.
BOY, a son of Lamachus.
BOY, a son of Cleonymus.
PEACE.
THEORIA: a young female attendant on Peace.
OPORA: a young female attendant on Peace.

[Across the back of the flat open space in front of the stage, the Orchestra, are four structures: the farm house belonging to Trygaeus, a stable beside or in front of it, a cave whose opening is blocked in with rocks, and the palace of Zeus. Two of Trygaeus’s slaves are in front of the stable. One is on his knees before a shallow tub preparing balls of dung taken from a pile in the yard, and the other is carrying these balls of dung into the stable.]

FIRST SERVANT [coming from the stable door]
	Come on, bring us a cake for the beetle.
	Get a move on! Hurry up.
 
SECOND SERVANT [on his knees kneading dung into cakes]
                                                                   There you go.
	Give him that. May it kill the wretched beast!
	I hope he never swallows anything
	more delicious than this ball of shit.
 
[First Servant takes the cake, goes into the stable, and returns.]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Give him another one. And make this cake
	out of pounded donkey dung.
 SECOND SERVANT
                                                                    Back again?
	Where’s the one you took in there just now?
	He can’t have eaten it.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                     Eaten it? By Zeus,
	he grabbed it, rolled it round between his feet, 			10
	and then swallowed it—the whole damn thing.
	Hurry up and pound out more, lots of them—
	and pack them tight.
 
[First Servant carries another cake into the stable and returns.]
 
SECOND SERVANT [looking at the audience]
	                        You dung collectors out there, 
	in the name of the gods, give me a hand,
	unless you want to see me choke. 							[10]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                               Hand me another cake—
	from a boy prostitute. He says he needs
	something made from shit that’s been well pounded.
 
SECOND SERVANT [tossing him a cake]
	There you go. 
 
[First Servant returns to the stable. The Second Servant addresses the audience.]
 
	                    Gentlemen, there’s one thing
	I think I’ll never be found guilty of.
	No one will claim that as I pound this muck 				20
	I help myself and eat the stuff.
 
FIRST SERVANT [holding his nose]
	                                                        Good god!
	Get me another, and then bring one more,
	and then another. Keep packing more.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	No, by Apollo, not me! I can’t stand
	this disgusting muck a moment longer!
 FIRST SERVANT
	Then I’ll take the dung inside, tub and all.
 
[The First Servant picks up the tub full of dung and carries it into the stable.]
 
SECOND SERVANT
	To hell with it, by god, and you as well.
 
[addressing the audience]
 
	If any of you knows, please tell me now  						[20]
	where I can get a nose without a nostril.
	There’s no work that is more miserable   					30
	than rolling this stuff up and serving it
	to feed a beetle. Now, a pig or dog,
	as soon as someone’s had a shit, eats it
	without a fuss. But this conceited brute,
	like some lady, is so full of itself, 
	it won’t eat unless I mash the stuff all day 
	then serve it rolled into a ball by hand.
	But I’ll take a look, see if it’s done eating.
	I’ll open this door, but just a sliver,  							[30]
	so it won’t see me.
 
[He pushes the stable door slightly and looks inside.]
 
	                                    Go on—keep eating,  				40
	and don’t ever stop, not until you burst
	all by yourself in there. That damned creature—
	look how it eats, mashing with its molars, 
	moving its head and arms around like that,
	like a wrestler or those who twist the cords
	to make thick ropes for cargo ships. 
 
FIRST SERVANT [returning from the stable]
	                                               That brute—
	smelly, foul and greedy! I’ve no idea
	what god this stinking apparition comes from,
	but I reckon it wasn’t Aphrodite   							[40]
	or the Graces.

SECOND SERVANT
	                                Then who was it? 
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                            It’s got to be 			50
	some monstrosity sent down here from Zeus, 
	lord of the thundercrap.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	                                             Well, some youngster
	out there in the audience who thinks he’s smart
	by this point will be saying, “What’s going on?
	What does this beetle mean?” And an Ionian 
	sitting next to him is saying, “In my view,
	it’s a reference to Cleon, showing how
	he’s not ashamed to wolf down shit all day.”
 
FIRST SERVANT [getting ready to urinate]
	I’m going in to give the beast a drink.
 
[First Servant goes back into the stable.]
 
SECOND SERVANT
	Well then, I’ll explain what’s going on here 				60 	[50]
	for children, youngsters, grown ups, and old men,
	even for these self-important windbags.
	My master’s got some new form of madness—
	not your kind, but something really new.
	All day long he gazes at the heavens
	with his mouth open, like this, and cries out,
	yelling up at god, “O Zeus,” he says,
	“What on earth are you doing? What’s your plan?
	Put that broom aside. Don’t sweep Greece away!”
	Wait! Hold on! Quiet. I think I hear his voice. 				70

TRYGAEUS [from inside the house]
	O Zeus, what will you do for our people?
	You’ll be devastating all our cities
	without any sense of what you’re doing.
 SECOND SERVANT
	That’s it, the sickness I’ve been talking of.
	There you hear a sample of his madness.
	When this disturbance first came over him,
	he’d keep saying to himself, “How can I 
	gain access to Zeus right now?” So he had
	some slender ladders made for him, and then,
	he’d try to climb them all the way to heaven,  				80   	[70]
	until he’d tumble down and break his head.
	Well then, damn him, he went out yesterday,
	I don’t know where, and brought back a beetle,
	a monstrous thing from Etna. He’s forced me
	to be its groom, while he keeps stroking it,
	as if it were a pony, and saying
	“O my little Pegasus, my thoroughbred,
	my flying steed, now you must carry me
	directly up to Zeus.” I’ll have a look,
	bend down here and see just what he’s doing. 			90
 
[The Second Servant stoops to look through a hole in the walls of the stable.]
 
	O this is dreadful! Come here, neighbours! Here!
	My master’s rising up into the air, 							[80]
	riding astride the beetle like a horse!
 
[Trygaeus appears on the giant dung beetle rising up into the air behind the stable.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Easy now, beetle, gently does it, easy.
	Don’t charge and make things much too rough for me, 
	trusting your strength, right at the start of things,
	not until you sweat, and your beating wings
	loosen up your joints and make your muscles free.
	I beg you, don’t breathe on me that filthy smell.
	If you do that, you can stay here in your stall. 				100
 
SECOND SERVANT [calling up to Trygaeus]
	Master, my lord, how crazy you’ve become! 					[90]
 
TRYGAEUS 
	Be silent! Hold your tongue!
 
SECOND SERVANT
       	                                                   Why are you
	Flapping through the air so senselessly?
 
TRYGAEUS
	I’m soaring off to help out all the Greeks,
	a bold new venture, never done before.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	Why are you flying? Why this mad sickness?
 
TRYGAEUS
	You must speak fair words and never mutter
	such trivial sounds. Instead cry out with joy.
	Tell men to hold their tongues and to close in
	their toilets and their sewers with fresh bricks  			110 	[100]
	and to plug their arse holes firmly shut.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	There’s no way I’ll stay quiet, not unless
	you tell me where you plan to fly.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                           Where else, 
	but up to Zeus in heaven?
 
SECOND SERVANT
	                                          What for?
 
TRYGAEUS
	To ask him about each and every Greek—
	what he’s got in store for them.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	                                        And what if
	he doesn’t tell you? 

TRYGAEUS
                                                     I’ll take him to court
	for treason, selling Greeks out to the Medes.
 
SECOND SERVANT
	No, by Dionysus, you’ll never go,
	not while I’m alive.

 TRYGAEUS
	                                 There’s no other way. 					120
 
SECOND SERVANT [shouting into the house]
	Help! Help! Help! Children, your father’s leaving—  			[110]
	he’s secretly abandoning you all
	to go to heaven. 
 
[Trygaeus’s two young daughters come out of the house.]
 
	                           You poor wretched girls,
	try pleading with your father. Beg him.
 
CHILD
	Father, oh father, is this report true,
	what those at home are saying about you—
	you’re leaving me here, going up to the sky,
	to the birds and the ravens? You’re trying to fly?
	O daddy, these stories—are all of them true?
	If you love me, I need an answer from you. 				130
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes, my girls, it’s what you think. The truth is
	I’ve had it with you—you keep begging me
	for bread and calling me your daddikins, 						[120]
	when there’s not a drop of money in the house,
	nothing at all. But when I’m successful,
	when I get back again, you’ll soon enjoy
	a huge cake with my knuckles for a sauce.
 
DAUGHTER
	But how are you going to finish the trip?
	You can’t travel that road in a sailing ship.
 
TRYGAEUS
	I won’t be sailing on the sea in a ship.   					140
	I’ll be flying up there on a horse with wings.
 
DAUGHTER
	Daddy, how did you plan to capture this thing,
	harness it, and go to the gods on the wing?
 
TRYGAEUS
	In those stories by Aesop, I found out
	the beetle was the only beast with wings 						[130]
	that could reach the place where gods reside.
 
DAUGHTER
	Father, father, that’s false. All folks deny
	stories which say that stinking brutes fly
	and can rise to the gods way on high.
 
TRYGAEUS
      	                                           Once, long ago,
	when it had a quarrel with an eagle, 						150
	it went up there and took out its revenge
	by rolling from the nest the eagle’s eggs.
 
DAUGHTER
	Why not hitch Pegasus and his divine wings?
	The gods would receive you as our tragic king.
 
TRYGAEUS
	My dear girl, I’d have needed twice the food.
	But now whatever meal I eat myself
	will serve to feed this beetle, too.
 
DAUGHTER
	But what if it falls in the depths out at sea? 					[140]
	With wings like those ones, how will it flee?
 
TRYGAEUS [lifting up his phallus or exposing his penis]
	For that I’ve got this rudder I can use. 							160
	And the beetle will be just like those boats
	they make in Naxos.
 
DAUGHTER
	                                                But then as you float,
	what harbour will open to welcome that boat?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Doesn’t Piraeus have a Beetle Harbour?
 
DAUGHTER
	Beware of collisions. You might fall down
	from way up there and become a lame clown.
	If so, for Euripides you’ll be a story—
	he’ll turn you into a tragical glory.
 
TRYGAEUS
	I’ll watch out for that. And now good bye!
 
[Trygaeus addresses the audience as he starts moving higher.]
 
	And you for whom I’m doing all this work,  				170	[150]
	for the next three days you must not fart or crap.
	If this creature smells that while in the air,
	it’ll toss me head first and come down to graze.
	So come now, Pegasus, be off. Good luck.
	Keep those bright ears of yours pricked up
	and shake that golden bridle and your bit
	until they rattle. What are you doing?
	What are you up to? Why turn your nose
	toward those stinking sewers? Let yourself
	go bravely up above the earth, stretch out  				180	[160]
	those racing wings of yours and head straight for
	the halls of Zeus. Keep your nose out of the shit,
	away from the food you eat every day.
	Hey, that man down there, what are you doing?
	I mean that one crapping in Piraeus,
	right by the whorehouse. You’re destroying me,
	doing me in. Can’t you please bury the stuff,
	pile lots of earth on top, and then plant thyme
	and pour perfume on it? If I fell down
	and something happened to me from up here 				190
	and killed me, the state of Chios would be fined  				[170]
	five talents, all because of your ass hole.
	O my god, I’m scared. And I’m not joking,
	not any more. You there working this machine,
	take good care of me. Right now there’s a wind
	twisting its way around my belly button. 
	If you don’t watch it, I’ll be making stuff
	to feed the beetle. But it seems to me
	I’m getting near the gods. Yes, I can see
	the home of Zeus.
 
[By this point the beetle has descended and come to rest in front of the house of Zeus. Trygaeus gets off the beetle and knocks on the door.]
 
	                    Who’s in there, in Zeus’s house?   				200
	Why won’t you open up?
 
HERMES [from inside]
	                                                   A human voice!  				[180]
	Where did that come from?
 
[Hermes opens the door and sees Trygaeus and the dung beetle.]
 
	                                                         Lord Hercules!
	What’s that disgusting thing?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                A horse beetle.
 
HERMES
	You disgusting, reckless, shameless creature!
	You scoundrel, you consummate rascal,
	the worst rogue there is! How did you get here,
	you most villainous of all the villains?
	What’s your name? Speak up, won’t you?

 TRYGAEUS
	Super-scoundrel.
 
HERMES
	                            In what country were you born?
	Tell me.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                    Super-scoundrel.
 
HERMES
	                                                 Who’s your father?    			210
 
TRYGAEUS
	My father? Super-scoundrel.
 
HERMES
  	                                                            By this earth,
	you’ll die for sure if you don’t give your name. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	I’m Trygaeus, and I’m from Athmonum,
	a good vine-grower. I don’t slander people,  					[190]
	and I don’t like disputes.
 
HERMES
	                                          Why have you come?
 
TRYGAEUS [handing Hermes a steak]
	To offer you this meat.
 
HERMES [grabbing the meat and in a very different tone]
	                                         You poor fellow,
	how did you get here?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                     Well, sticky fingers,
	you see how you no longer think of me
	as the vilest of all rogues. Please be off now,
	and summon Zeus for me.
 
HERMES
	                                                       O dear, dear, dear! 		220
	You won’t reach the gods. You’re not even close.
	They’ve gone away. They moved out yesterday.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Where on earth did they go?
 
HERMES
	                                They wouldn’t go to earth!
 
TRYGAEUS 
	Well, then, where?
 
HERMES
	                         Oh, a long, long way away,
	under the very dome of heaven itself.
 
TRYGAEUS
	So why have you been left here by yourself? 					[200]
 
HERMES
	I’m keeping an eye on the furniture,
	what’s left of it—some little pots and pans,
	boards, some wine jugs.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                             Why have the gods all left?
 
HERMES
	They’re angry at the Greeks—so they moved War  			230
	into the house where they were living,
	giving him full power to treat you Greeks
	any way he wishes. They moved their home
	even higher up, as far as they could go,
	so they wouldn’t see you fighting any more
	or hear any of your prayers.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                     Tell me this—
	why have they been treating us like that?  					[210]
 
HERMES
	Because they tried to make peace many times,
	but you prefer to fight. If the Spartans
	had a small success, they’d say something like, 			240
	“By the twin gods, those Attic types will pay.”
	And if, with events turning out quite well
	for those in Attica, the Spartans came
	to talk of peace, you’d answer right away,
	“By Athena, they’re playing tricks with us.
	No, by Zeus, there’s no way we’ll go along.
	They’ll come back, if we hang on to Pylos.”
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes, that’s way folks in our country talk.   					[220]
 
HERMES
	Well, that’s why I don’t think you’ll ever see
	Peace in your time again.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                  Where’s she gone, then?  				250
 
HERMES
	War has thrown her into a deep hole. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                      What hole?
 
HERMES [pointing to the walled up cave in the central part of the stage]
	That one, way down there. What’s more,
	you see how many rocks he’s piled on top
	to stop you hauling her back out again.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Tell me, what’s War planning to do to us?
 
HERMES
	All I know is last evening he brought home
	a gigantic mortar.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                              He’s got a mortar? 							[230]
	What’s he going to do with that?
 
HERMES
	                                    Well, he wants it
	to pulverize the city states of Greece.
	But I have to go. I think he’s coming out—  				260
	he’s making such a fuss in there.
 
[Hermes leaves. The noise inside the house gets louder.]
 
TRYGAEUS [alarmed]
	                                                        Oh, oh!
	I’m in a mess. Come on, I’d better find
	some way to get away from him. I think
	I hear the sounds of a warlike mortar.
 
[Trygaeus conceals himself. War enters, carrying a huge mortar and a basket of vegetables.]
 
WAR
	O you human beings, you mortal men,
	you human creatures who endure so much,
	how your jaws are going to feel the pain!
 
TRYGAEUS [from his hiding place]
	By lord Apollo, look at the mortar,
	the size of it! This is a disaster—
	that look he’s got! Is this the enemy  					270 	[240]
	we’re running from—so terrible, so tough,
	so hard on a man’s legs?
 
WAR [taking some leeks and putting them in the mortar]
	                                                                                         O Prasiae!
	thrice damned, five times damned, damned a thousandfold!
	This very day you’re going to be demolished.
 
TRYGAEUS
	This is no concern of ours, gentlemen,
	since it’s a problem for the Spartans.
 
WAR [putting some garlic in the mortar]
	O Megara, Megara, how very soon
	you be crushed to bits, turned into mincemeat.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Whoa, my goodness me, he’s throwing in
	some bitter tears for the Megarians,   					280
	big ones, too.
 WAR [grating some cheese into the mortar]
	               And Sicily, you’re destroyed, as well. 					[250]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Such a great state to be grated down
	in such a miserable way.
 
WAR [pouring honey over the food]
	                                                     All right, 
	lets pour over this some Attic honey.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Hey, I’d advise you use a different honey.
	That stuff costs four obols. So ease up
	with that stuff from Attica.
 
WAR [calling for his servant] 
	                                Boy! Boy! Uproar!
 
[Uproar enters from the house.]
 
UPROAR
	Why’d you call me?
 
WAR
	                                                  I’ll make you really yelp!
	Standing there doing nothing. Here’s a fist for you!
 
[War punches Uproar in the face.]
 
UPROAR
	That hurts! O master, I’m in agony!  						290
	Your fist wasn’t full of garlic, was it?
 
WAR
	Why don’t you run and fetch me a pestle?
 
UPROAR
	We don’t have one. It was only yesterday  					[260]
	when we moved in here.
 
WAR
	                                         Then go get one
	from the Athenians—and make it fast.
 UPROAR
	By god, I’ll do it. If I don’t find one,
 	then I’ll be beaten till I howl.
 
[Uproar runs off in a hurry.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                      Well now,
	what are we poor wretched types to do?
	You see there’s great danger threatening us.
	If he returns and brings along a pestle, 					300
	War will sit there using it to pulverize
	all our city states. O Dionysus, 
	may he perish and not get back with it!
 
[Uproar comes running back empty handed.]
 
WAR
	Here he is.
 
UPROAR
	                      What’s going on?
 
WAR
	                                                     You didn’t bring it?  
 
UPROAR
	The strange thing is this—those Athenians
	have lost their pestle, that tanner who ground  				[270]
	all Greece to powder.
 
TRYGAEUS
 	                                                   By Athena,
	that sovereign lady, he did well to die,
	just when the city needed him to go,
	before he dumped us all into that hash.  					310
 
WAR
	Then go get another one in Sparta
	and be quick about it.
 
UPROAR
	                                I’m off master.
 
[Uproar moves off quickly. War shouts after him.]
 
WAR
	And get back here on the double.
 
TRYGAEUS [to the audience]
	                                                           Well, men,
	what’s going to happen to us? At this point,
	we’re in deep trouble. So if one of you,
	by chance, is an initiate of Samothrace,
	this would be a splendid time for you to pray
	the servant lad sprains both his feet.
 
UPROAR [running back on stage and striking an exaggerated pose]
	                                                               Alas!      	 				[280]
	O woe is me! And one more time Alas! 
 
WAR
	What is it? You mean this is the second time    			320
	you’ve come back here without a pestle? 
 
UPROAR
	                                                              Yes.
	The Spartans have lost their pestle, too. 
 
WAR
	How’d that happen, you rogue?
 
UPROAR
	                                           Well, they lent it
	to some other folks in Thracian country,
	and it got lost.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                         By those two sons of Zeus,
	the Thracians did good work! Good luck to them!
	You mortal men, keep up your courage!
 
WAR
	Pick up this stuff and take it back inside.
	I’m going in to make myself a pestle. 
 
[War leaves. Uproar collects the mortar and vegetables and follows after him. Trygaeus emerges from his hiding place.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right, now it’s time to sing that old song   				330
	Datis used to sing every day at noon    						[290]
	when he’d yank his cock, “Ah, how that feels good!
	O, that’s so nice! I’m getting off on this!”
	You men of Greece, now’s an excellent time
	to set aside our quarreling and fights
	and drag up Peace, who’s friendly to us all,
	before some other pestle interferes.
	So you farm labourers and merchants,
	you carpenters, craftsmen, immigrants,
	foreigners, and islanders, come here,   					340
	all common folk, as quickly as you can,
	and bring some picks and ropes and levers.
	Now’s our chance to have a drink together,  					[300]
	a swig from the Good Spirit’s cup.
 
[The Chorus enters. It consists of working people from many different Greek states.]
 
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
	Come on this way, all those of you who’re keen
	to rescue us right now. It’s now or never!
	All you Greeks, let’s help each other out
	by getting rid of all our warlike ranks
	and the nasty deep red colour of blood.
	The day that Lamachus detests is here.          				350
 
[The Chorus Leader turns to address Trygaeus.]
 
	So come on, tell us what we need to do.
	Give us some direction. It seems to me
	there’s no way I’ll be stopping work today
	until we’ve used these levers and machines
	to haul out here into the light of day
	the greatest goddess of them all, the one
	who more than any other loves the vine. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	You must keep quiet, just in case your joy
	in what we’re doing and these shouts of yours
	get War, who’s in there, fired up again.  					360  	[310]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	But we’re so pleased to hear your proclamation—
	it’s not like those which tell us to come out
	with rations for three days.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                      Be careful now
	in case Cerberus howls and yelps down there,
	the way he did when he was here on earth,
	and makes it hard for us to save the goddess.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	No one will take her back from us again,
	if we can once lay hands on her.
 
CHORUS
	                                     Hip hip hurrah!
 
TRYGAEUS
	You men, if you don’t stop those cheers of yours
	you’ll be the death of me. War will charge out  			370
	and his two feet will stomp on everything. 
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Well, let him make trouble and shake things up!  				[320]
	Let him walk over everything! Today,
	we’re not going to stop our celebrations.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Why seek danger? Men, what’s got into you?
	Your dancing’s going to wreck a splendid plan!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	But I’m not the one who likes this dancing.
	It’s my legs—they keep hopping on their own
	from sheer delight. I’m not moving them.
 
TRYGAEUS
	But that’s enough now. Come on, stop dancing.                            	380
	Stop it!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                   All right. Look, I’ve stopped.
 
[The Chorus Leader keeps on capering around, his legs out of control.]

 TRYGAEUS
	                                                             You say so,
	but you haven’t stopped at all.

 CHORUS LEADER
	                                                   Well, let me
	dance one more turn and then I’m done.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                                      Just one,
	and then you’ll have to stop—no more dancing.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	If it helps you, we won’t dance any more.   					[330]
 
TRYGAEUS
	But look, you still haven’t stopped!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                                    Yes, by Zeus,
	I kick out my right leg like this—that’s it!
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right, I’ll let you get away with that,
	if you don’t keep on trying to piss me off.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Well, I must have my left leg dance as well.  				390
	I’m rid of my shield—that makes me so glad,
	I fart and laugh, more than if I’d shed old age.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Don’t rejoice right now. You don’t know for sure,
	at least not yet. But when we’ve got the goddess,
	then you can shout and laugh and celebrate.
	At that point you can sail or stay at home   					[340]
	or fuck or sleep, watch holy festivals,
	play cottabos, or live like Sybarites,
	and keep on yelling out “Hurrah! Hurrah!”
 
CHORUS LEADER
	How I long to see that day at last!  						400
	I’ve endured a lot, even mattresses
	allotted by the gods to Phormio.
	You’ll no longer find me as a juryman
	bitter and bad tempered, nor, I think, 						[350]
	harsh in my ways, as I was earlier.
	Instead you’ll see a soft, much younger man,
	once I’m free from troubles. For long enough
	we’ve killed each other, wearing ourselves out
	on journeys to the Lycaeum and back
	with sword and shield. But what can we do   				410
	to bring you most delight? Come on, speak up.
	It’s happy circumstance that’s chosen you      					[360]
	as our supreme commander.
 
TRYGAEUS
                                                                Well, come on.
	Let me see how we get these stones removed.
 
[Enter Hermes.]
 
HERMES
	You reckless rogue, what are you going to do?
TRYGAEUS
	Nothing bad—we’re just like Cillicon.
 
HERMES
	You evil wretch, you’re done for.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                                              Yes, I am,
	if that’s how my lot turns out—Hermes would know
	how to do things with a lottery. 

 HERMES
	                                             You’re doomed!
	You’re dead!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                           On what day?
 
HERMES
	                                                     Immediately. 				420
 
TRYGAEUS
	But I’ve not purchased any flour or cheese
	for my forced march to death.
 
HERMES
	                                   No doubt about it,
	you’re already mincemeat.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                 Then why is it
	receiving such a major benefit 								[370]
	has escaped my notice?
 
HERMES
	                                   Are you not aware
	Zeus has issued a decree that anyone
	who’s caught digging that goddess up must die?
TRYGAEUS
	You mean it’s absolutely necessary
	I must perish on the spot?
 
HERMES
	                              Yes. Now you know.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Well then, lend me three drachmas right away,  			430
	so I can buy a sucking pig. Before I die,
	I have to get myself initiated.

 HERMES
	By Zeus, lord of thunder and lightning . . . 
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	Master, I’m imploring you—by the gods—
	don’t report us!
 
HERMES
	                         I cannot keep silent.
 
TRYGAEUS
	In the name of those meats I brought for you
	from the goodness of my heart. 
 
HERMES
	                                                My dear chap, 					[380]
	I’ll be destroyed by Zeus if I don’t shout
	and make a real commotion over this.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, don’t shout. O my dear little Hermes,     				440
	I’m begging you! 
 
[Trygaeus turns to address the Chorus.]
 
	                                                                    You men, tell me
	what you’re doing? You’re standing there like statues.
	You fools, don’t hang around saying nothing,
	if you do that, he’ll start to yell.
 
CHORUS [chanting]
	Lord Hermes, please don’t yell or squeal.
	If you recall a tasty meal
	of young pig as a gift from me,
	don’t make my words a trivial plea.
 
TRYGAEUS [joining the chant]
	O lord and master, can’t you hear
	how they are trying to bend your ear?   					450
 
CHORUS [chanting]
	Do not reject the prayers we say  							[390]
	and let us dig up Peace today.
	Of all the gods you love men best
	and give them gifts, so bless our quest,
	if you dislike Pisander’s plume,
	his spiteful pride, we will resume
	our constant offerings to you,
	my lord, with great processions, too.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Come, I beg you, have pity for their cries.   					[400]
	They’re honouring you more than they used to do.  		460
 
HERMES
	They’re greater robbers than they used to be.
 
TRYGAEUS
	What’s more, I’ll tell you of a terrible act,
	a major plot against the gods, all of them.
 
HERMES
	All right, tell me. You might win me over.
 
TRYGAEUS
	For some time the Moon and that rascal Sun
	have been hatching many plots against you,
	to hand Greece over to barbarians.
 
HERMES
	Why would they do that?
TRYGAEUS
	                               Because, by Zeus,
	we sacrifice to you—barbarians          						[410]
	make their offerings to them. That’s why,  				470
	as one might expect, they want all of us
	to be totally destroyed, so they alone
	will have the rituals all to themselves.
 
HERMES
	So that’s why those two for some time now
	have been stealing daylight on the sly
	and taking bites out of each other’s disk,
	those scoundrels!

 TRYGAEUS
 	                        That’s right. So, dear Hermes,
	put your heart into helping us find Peace,
	and pull her out with us. We’ll celebrate
	the great Panathenaea in your honour,  					480
	and festivals to all the other gods—
	the Mysteries, Dipolia and Adonia    							[420]
	will honour Hermes. The other cities,
	once free of misery, will sacrifice
	to Hermes as their guardian everywhere.
	You’ll get fine things, a huge variety.
	To start things off, I’ll give you this gift,
	a bowl for you to pour libations with.
 
[Trygaeus pulls a golden bowl from his pocket and gives it to Hermes.]
 
HERMES
	My, my, how I’m always keen on presents
	when they’re made of gold.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                 Come on then men,  			490
	get to work in there. Take those picks of yours,
	move in, and get those stones removed. Hurry!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	We’ll do it. But you, wisest of the gods,
	take charge of us. You understand this task,
	so tell us what we need to do. You’ll find
	we won’t be slack in doing other work.     					[430]

TRYGAEUS
	Come on, hurry up and hold the bowl out,
	so we can offer prayers up to the gods
	before beginning work.
 
HERMES
	                                                       A libation!
	A libation! Now speak the reverent words.  				500
	Speak well. As we pour out this libation,
	let’s pray an age begins this very day
	when many fine things come for all the Greeks,
	and anyone who works with his whole heart
	to pull the ropes won’t grip his shield again.
 
TRYGAEUS
	By Zeus, may we spend our lives in peace,    					[440]
	embracing mistresses and poking fires.
 
HERMES
	And any man who’d rather be at war . . . 
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	O lord Dionysus, may he never stop
	yanking arrows from his funny bone.     					510
 
HERMES
	If there’s a man eager for army rank
	who does not wish to drag you to the light,
	O lady, in his battles . . . 
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting again]
	                                    May he go through
	the same experience as Cleomenes.
HERMES
	And anyone who manufactures spears
	or deals in shields and thus is keen for war
	because of better trade . . . 

 TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	                                                 Let such a man
	be seized by thieves and get no food to eat
	but barley.
 
HERMES
	            If someone will not work with us          					[450]
	because he wants to be a general,  						520
	or if a slave is ready to desert . . . 
	 
TRYGAEUS
	May he be laid out on a wheel and whipped.
 
HERMES
	May good things come to us! Now raise a shout!
	Strike up a cry of joy!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                   Leave out the strike.
	Just shout out for joy.
 
HERMES
	                                                   Oh, all right, then.
	Hail! Hail! That’s all I’ll say! Hail to Hermes,
	the Graces and the Seasons, to Aphrodite
	and Desire! What about Ares?
 
CHORUS
	                                              No, no!
 
TRYGAEUS
	And no cheers for Enyalius, right?

CHORUS
                                                                         No! 
 
[The Chorus wrap the rope around something in the cavern and start to pull, but, as they make the effort, they get hopelessly confused, pulling in different directions and falling over each other.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right, everyone make a real effort  					530
	and pull these ropes to reel her in.
 
HERMES
                                                 Heave away!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Heave ho!      												[460]
 
HERMES
	                              Come on, pull!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                                       Pull even harder!
 
HERMES
	Heave . . . Come on, heave!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                         The men won’t pull together.
 
[Trygaeus turns to one group of men.]
 
	Why not pull your weight? You’re too proud to work.
	O you Boeotians, you’ll be crying soon.
 
HERMES
	All right now, heave.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                   Heave ho!
 
CHORUS LEADER [to Hermes and Trygaeus]
	                                                   You two there,
	come on and pull as well.

TRYGAEUS
	                                          Aren’t I pulling, too—  				[470]
	holding the rope and hauling furiously,
	working really hard?
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                          Then how come this job
	isn’t moving forward?
 
TRYGAEUS [to one of the workmen]
	                                               Hey, Lamachus,    				540    
	you’re a problem sitting there, in the way.
	My good man, we don’t need your monster.
 
HERMES
	Well, these Argives haven’t been hauling long.
	They laugh at other people’s suffering,
	collecting pay and rations from both sides.
 
TRYGAEUS
	But Spartans, my dear chap, are pulling rope
	like real men.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                           But look—among that crowd 
	the only ones who’re keen to help are those
	who’ve been chained up in jail. The arms makers   				[480]
	keep getting in their way.
 	
TRYGAEUS
	                                              The Megarians    				550
	aren’t making any effort. 
 
HERMES
	                                            Well, they’re pulling
	and showing all their teeth, like puppy dogs.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes, by Zeus, because they’re dying of hunger.
	Hey, you men, we’re not getting anywhere.
	We must all work at this together.
	So one more time.
 
HERMES
	                               Heave!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                Heave away!
 
HERMES
	                                                                        Heave!
 
TRYGAEUS
	By Zeus, pull!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                   We’re shifting it a little.     				[490]
 
TRYGAEUS
	This is dreadful—some are pulling one way,
	others in another. You Argives there,
	you’re going to get a beating!
 
HERMES
	                            Come on, heave!            					560
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                                     Pull!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	There’re people here with us who’re traitors.
 
TRYGAEUS
	But those of you who long for Peace keep pulling—
	put your backs into it!

CHORUS LEADER
	                               But some men here
	are interfering, getting in the way.
 
HERMES
	O you Megarians, get the hell away!   						[500]
	The goddess hates you, for she remembers 
	you were the first to rub your garlic on her.
	And you Athenians, I’m telling you
	stop holding that position where you’re pulling
	at the moment—you’re not doing anything     			570
	but fighting in the courts. If you really wish
	to set the goddess free, then move on down,
	shift yourselves towards the sea a little.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	All right, men, let the farmers grab the rope
	all by themselves, with no one else.
 
HERMES
	Ah, you men, now things are going much better.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	He says we’re getting somewhere. Come on, then,				[510]
	every man must pull with all he’s got!
 
TRYGAEUS
	Hey, the farmers are getting the job done,
	all by themselves.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                               Come on, all of you.  					580
	Come on!
 
HERMES
	                      Now they’re working all together!
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Let’s not relax—keep pulling even harder!
 HERMES
	Here it comes now!
 
[Something starts to emerge being pulled from inside the cavern.]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                 Now heave! Everyone, heave! 
	Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave!
	Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave! Everyone, heave!
 
[The trolley emerges from the cavern. On it stands Peace with her two attendants Opora and Theoria in a tableau reminiscent of contestants in a beauty pageant.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	O holy lady who provides us grapes,  						[520]
	where can I find the words to speak to you,
	the ten-thousand-gallon words to greet you?
	I didn’t bring them when I came from home.
	And I welcome you as well, Opora,   						590
	and Theoria, too. What a gorgeous face
	you’ve got there, Theoria, and sweet breath!
	So fragrant to my heart! It’s just lovely—
	like perfume or freedom from conscription.
 
HERMES
	You mean she smells just like a soldier’s pack?
 
TRYGAEUS
	The hateful pack of such a hateful person
	makes me puke—it stinks of onion belches.
	She smells of harvest times and festivals,  					[530]
	the Dionysia, flute music, tragic plays,
	songs of Sophocles, thrushes, poetic scraps  				600
	penned by Euripides . . .
 
HERMES [interrupting]
	                                        You’re in trouble now,
	spreading lies like that about her. She hates
	that poet who uses trivial phrases
	from the law courts.

TRYGAEUS [ignoring the interruption]
	                            . . . ivy, cloths for straining wine, 
	bleating flocks, women’s bosoms when they run
	out to the fields, a drunken serving girl, 
	a jug of wine when it’s been overturned,
	and lots of other splendid things.
 
HERMES
	                                                  Come now,
	look how the city states are reconciled.
	They’re chatting with each other, laughing, 				610  	[540]
	having a good time, though all of them
	have wonderful black eyes with cups attached.
 
TRYGAEUS
	And let’s also take a look at faces
	in the audience here, to see if we can guess
	what each man’s trade is.
 
HERMES
	                                   That’s a stupid idea.
 
TRYGAEUS [pointing to someone in the audience]
	Can’t you see that man who makes battle crests?
	He’s tearing out his hair.	
 
HERMES 
	                     There’s someone who makes hoes—
	he’s just farted at that sword smith.
 
TRYGAEUS
   	                                                See that one,
	the sickle maker who’s feeling so good,
	he’s flipped his finger at the spear maker?  				620
 
HERMES
	All right, tell these labourers it’s time to go.  					[550]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Listen up, folks. The peasants should be off,
	taking their farming tools back to the fields
	as soon as possible. But leave behind
	your swords and spears and javelins. This place
	has now been overrun with mellow Peace.
	So all men should move out and back to work—
	off to the fields, singing a song of joy!
 
CHORUS LEADER [to Peace]
	Ah, this day our workers have so yearned for
	and just men, too! I see you and rejoice.  					630
	After such a long, long time, how I wish 
	to greet my vines. How my heart desires
	to hold in my embrace those same fig trees 
	I planted in the days when I was young.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Now men, first of all let’s offer prayers  						[560]
	to the goddess who’s brought us our freedom
	from battle crests and Gorgons. After that,
	let’s head off home, back to our farms. But first,
	let’s buy a nice little piece of pickled fish
	to eat while in the fields.
 
[The Chorus pick up their various tools and form a line, in preparation for leaving.]
 
HERMES
	                                                              By Poseidon, 			640
	how fine their ranks look, compact and spirited,
	just like a barley cake or a sumptuous feast.
 
TRYGAEUS
	By Zeus, that’s a splendid mattock he’s got there,
	all set to go, and those three-pronged garden forks
	are glistening in the sun. They could clear out
	the rows between our vines so beautifully!
	Now I’m keen to get back home myself,
	into the fields, working with my pitch fork,
	turning clods of earth after all this time.    					[570]
	You men, remember that old way of life          				650
	Peace used to give us in our earlier days,
	those figs pressed into cakes or freshly picked,
	the myrtles and sweet new wine, the violets
	beside the spring, the olives we so longed for.
	For the sake of these speak to the goddess now.  				[580]

 CHORUS
	Welcome, dearest goddess, welcome!
	How I rejoice now that you’ve come.
	Overwhelmed with longing for you,
	I kept hoping for a miracle,
	to go back to my fields again.  							660
	O lady we’ve been yearning for,
	you were the greatest benefit
	to all of us who spend our lives
	working the land, for you alone    							[590]
	would help us out. In earlier days,
	while you were in control, we had
	so many sweet and lovely things
	that cost us nothing. For farmers
	you meant security and wheat.
	Our vineyards and our young fig trees      					670
	and all the other plants we have
	will smile with joy to welcome you.  							[600]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	But how can she have stayed away from us
	for all this time? Hermes, of all the gods
	you’re the friendliest to us, so tell me.
 
HERMES
	O you wisest of all working farmers,
	listen to my words, if you’d like to hear
	how Peace first went astray. It all began
	when that Phidias ran into trouble,
	and Pericles, afraid he’d share his fate, 					680
	for he was frightened of your character
	and your ferocious ways, fired up the town, 
	before he had to suffer anything
	too drastic, throwing out a little spark,
	the Megarian decree, and fanned it
	into a conflict so intense, the smoke   						[610]
	drew tears from all the Greeks, not only here,
	but in Sparta, too. Well, once that started,
	the first vineyards were compelled to crackle
	and a pot, once hit, kicked out in anger     				690
	at another pot, and there was no one there
	who could prevent it any more. And so,
	Peace just disappeared.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                 Well, by Apollo,
	no one ever told me that’s what happened.
	I’d never heard how Peace could be hooked up
	with Phidias.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                          I hadn’t either,
	not until just now. But if she’s his kin,
	that’s why she’s beautiful. So many things
	are kept concealed from us! 
 
HERMES
	                                                            Well, after that,
	the towns who were your subjects, once they saw			700
	you were so enraged at one another       						[620]
	and your fangs were out, hatched all sorts of plans
	against you, because they feared the tribute,
	and then used their gold to bribe the Spartans,
	the most important of them, and those men,
	being greedy and treacherous with strangers,
	tossed Peace out in a disgraceful manner
	and held out for war. This gained them profit,
	but brought the workers to catastrophe.
	Warships repeatedly went out from here  				710
	to get revenge—they devoured the fig trees,
	which belonged to men who bore no blame.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, that was justified—those men chopped down
	one of my trees of dark grey figs, a bush
	I’d planted and then nursed with my own hands.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Yes, by Zeus, that was truly well deserved!  					[630]
	Those men destroyed a storage chest of mine.
	They smashed it with a stone. And that box held
	six bushels full of corn!
 
HERMES
	                                                          Then working men
	came from their fields in droves and let themselves,  		720
	without their knowing it, be bought and sold, 
	just as the others were. Longing for figs,
	they didn’t even have grape pits to eat,
	and so they looked toward the demagogues.
	These men, who clearly knew how displaced folk
	were weak and short of food, with their forked cries
	drove Peace out, though she came back in person
	many times, moved by affection for the land.
	Then they began to squeeze the rich fat types
	among their allies, on the trumped-up charge   			730  	[640]
	that they were followers of Brasidas.
	And then you lot would tear the man apart,
	like puppy-dogs. The city was all pale
	and cowering in fear. It would snap up
	every scrap of slander with great pleasure,
	whatever anyone tossed out. Strangers, 
	who saw the blows come raining down on them,
	stuffed mouths of the informers shut with gold.
	So they grew rich, while, without your knowledge,
	Greece might have been destroyed. This work was done	740
	by that man who dealt in leather.

TRYGAEUS
 	                                     Stop, lord Hermes!
	That’s enough! Don’t tell us any more.
	Leave that man where he is, down in Hades.
	He’s no longer one of us. No, he’s yours.  					[650]
	He was a villain when he was alive,
	a windbag who liked to slander people,
	an agitator who stirred up trouble,
	but when you mention all these things right now,
	your slandering one of your own people.
 
[Trygaeus moves to talk to Peace.]
 
	But, reverend goddess, why are you so quiet? 				750
	Talk to me.
 
HERMES
	               She won’t speak to this audience.
	All the suffering she’s had to undergo
	has made her very angry at them.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Then let her say a few words just to you.						[660]
 
HERMES
	My dearest lady, tell me what you think
	about these people here. Come on now,
	of all women you hate war the most.

[Hermes put his ear close to Peace’s mouth to listen to her whisper to him.] 
 
	Speak up. I’m listening. That’s what annoys you?
	I understand. 
 
[Hermes turns to address the audience.]
 
	                                Listen, you people here.
	This is what she blames you for. She says    				760
	after that fight in Pylos she came here,
	of her own free will, bringing a basket
	full of treaties to the city, but you lot
	turned her down three times in your assembly.
 
TRYGAEUS
	We were wrong to do that. But forgive us—
	back then our brains were crammed with leather.
 
HERMES
	Listen now to something she’s just asked me.					[670]
	Who was the man most hostile to her here,
	and who was friendly, someone really keen
	not to fight on?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                               Well, Cleonymus    			770
	was her greatest friend by far.
 
HERMES
	                                                Cleonymus?
	What sort of fellow was he in a fight?
 
TRYGAEUS
	The very bravest spirit, except for this—
	he was not the son of the man he claims
	as his own father. When he’d march out
	with the army, he wouldn’t hesitate
	to throw away his weapons.
 
[Hermes places his ear close to Peace’s mouth again.]
 
HERMES
	                                                  One more thing
	she’s just asked me: Who now governs you   					[680]
	and rules the rocky Pynx?
 
TRYGAEUS
                                              That position
	is now occupied by Hyperbolus.           					780
 
[Peace turns her head away in disgust.]
 
	What are you doing? Why turn your head aside?
 
HERMES
	She’s turning away from these people here
	in anger that they’d choose to vote themselves
	such a scoundrel as their leader. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                      Ah well,
	we won’t be using him for very long.
	At the moment people need a leader.
	They feel naked, so, for the time being,
	they’ve wrapped that man around them.
 
[Hermes again places his ear close to Peace’s mouth.]
 
HERMES
	                                                   She asks
	how this choice will benefit the city.
 
TRYGAEUS
	We’ll become more shrewd politically.  					790
 
HERMES
	How will you do that?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                           Because Hyperbolus
	makes lamps. Before this, we decided things   					[690]
	by groping in the dark. But now our plans
	are made by lamplight.
 
[Hermes again places his ear close to Peace’s mouth.]
 
HERMES
	                                 My, my, the things
	she’s told me to find out from you!

 TRYGAEUS
                                           What things?

HERMES
	All sorts of stuff, especially ancient things
	she left behind so long ago. And first,
	she wants to know how Sophocles is doing.
 
TRYGAEUS
	He’s well, but something quite astonishing
	has happened to him.
	 
HERMES
	                               And what is that?   					800
	 
TRYGAEUS
	He’s changed from Sophocles into Simonides.
 
HERMES
	Into Simonides? How come?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                               He’s old,
	and he’s decrepit, but for a profit
	he’d go out sailing on a wicker mat.
 
HERMES
	Really? Is wise Cratinus still living?  							[700]
 
TRYGAEUS
	He died when the Spartans came marching in.
 
HERMES
	What went wrong with him?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                  What happened? He collapsed.
	He couldn’t bear to see jars full of wine
	being broken. How many other troubles
	have gone on in the city! So, lady,    						810
	we’ll never ship you out again.
 HERMES
	                                             Come on then,
	if that’s so, you should take Opora here
	as wife. Live with her in the countryside,
	and make yourselves some grapes.
 
TRYGAEUS [to Opora]
	                                  My dearest love,
	come over here and kiss me.
 
[Trygaeus and Opora embrace. Trygaeus turns to Hermes.]
 
	                                             Lord Hermes,   					[710]
	do you think it would do me any harm
	if, after such a long time with no sex,
	I had some with Opora?
 
HERMES
	                                             Not at all, 
	not if you take pennyroyal later.
	But take Theoria here and lead her off    					820
	to the council place, where she lived before.
	Get a move on!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                              O that blessed council,
	it gets Theoria. You’ll be slurping soup
	in huge amounts over the next three days,
	eating so much meat and boiled sausage! 
	And so, dear friend Hermes, a fond farewell!

 HERMES
	And farewell to you, too, human mortal.
	May you live happy, and remember me.
 
[Trygaeus prepares to leave, but when he looks for his flying dung beetle, it’s nowhere to be seen. He starts calling it.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Time to go home, beetle, let’s fly off home. 					[720]

HERMES
	He’s not in there.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                Then where’s he gone?  				830
 
HERMES
	He’s harnessed to the chariot of Zeus
	and bears the lightning bolt.
 
TRYGAEUS
 	                                              The poor thing!
	Where will he find shit to eat in heaven?
 
HERMES
	He’ll feed on Ganymede’s ambrosia.
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right, but how do I get down?
 
HERMES
	                                                              It’s easy.
	Don’t worry. Go this way past the goddess.
 
TRYGAEUS
	This way, girls, just follow me, and quickly.
	There’s lots of people waiting there for you
	with their erections ready.

 CHORUS LEADER
	                                     Go on! Farewell!
 
[Trygaeus, Opora, Theoria and Hermes leave the stage.]
 
	Meanwhile we should hand all this equipment    			840
	over to attendants—give it to them           						[730]
	to keep safely. There are many thieving types
	who really like to hang around the stage
	and look for things to steal. 
 
[The Chorus hands over its various farm implements to stage hands who come in to collect them.]
 
	                                        Guard these bravely,
	and let’s explain to these spectators here
	the road our words will take, what’s on our minds.
 
[The Chorus moves to address the audience directly.]
 
CHORUS
	The judges here ought to thrash the comic poet
	who steps onto the stage in front of these spectators
	to praise himself in verse. But, daughter of Zeus,
	if it’s all right to pay due honour to the man   				850
	who is the finest and best known comic writer,
	then our producer claims he merits your great praise.
	First, he’s was the only man who stopped his rivals
	making constant fun of rags and fighting wars with lice, 		[740]
	and the first to ridicule and banish from the stage
	the Herculeses who were always making cakes
	and going hungry. He also dismissed those slaves
	who kept on running off, or deceiving someone,
	or getting whipped. They were always led out crying,
	so one of their fellow slaves could mock the bruises		860
	and then ask: “O you poor miserable fellow,
	what’s happened to your skin? Surely a huge army
	of lashes from a whip has fallen down on you
	and laid waste your back?” Yes, our poet has removed
	such feeble trash, such commonplace tomfoolery,
	and created a great art for us, by building up
	high-towered homes from lovely words and thoughts and jokes	[750]
	which are not trivial stuff. And he does not present
	obscure private types or women in his dramas.
	No, with the spirit of Hercules he attacks					870
	the greatest targets, striding through the dreadful stink
	of stripped-off leather hide and the grandiloquence
	of those with hearts of mud. 
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                                                 Of all the bouts I fought
	the very first was with the fanged-tooth one himself,
	whose eyes shot out most dreadful rays, like a Bitch Star.
	Round him circled a hundred moaning flatterers,
	who’d spit-lick his head. He had a thundering torrent
	of a voice, and he smelled as nasty as a seal,
	the unwashed balls of Lamia, and camels’ arse holes.
	When I saw this monstrosity, I did not fear,  				880
	but kept fighting constant wars with him, holding out
	on your behalf and for the islanders. And so,      				[760]
	it’s only right that you remember me and show
	your gratitude by paying me back. Before this point,
	when I’ve had success, I didn’t lose my mind and roam
	around the wrestling schools trying to seduce young lads.
	No, I took my theatre gear and went off on my way.
	I didn’t cause much pain and brought you great delight,
	producing everything just how it ought to be.
 
CHORUS
	And for this reason men and boys   						890
	should side with me. And we advise
	bald men to join with us and strive
	for victory, since if I win,
	at tables and at festivals       								[770]
	every man will say, “Here, take this
	to that bald man, give this bald man
	a sweet dessert, and don’t hold back
	from a man whose forehead matches
	our noble poet’s balding skull.”
	O Muse, drive wars away, and dance,   					900
	my friend, dance with us—celebrate
	the weddings of the gods, the feasts
	of mortal men, and festivals
	of those who have been blessed, for these 					[780]
	have from the start been your concern.
	And if that Carcinus should come
	begging you to join his children
	in a dance, don’t listen to him
	or move to help them with their play.
	Think of them all as homebred quails,    					910
	dancing dwarves with long scraggy necks,
	sliced-up lumps of dung, who put on  						[790]
	mere artifice. Their father claimed
	that once a play he was to stage,
	a work no one had thought he’d write,
	was choked one evening by a weasel.

	Such are the long-haired Muses’ songs
	the clever poet ought to sing
	before the public, when swallows  							[800]
	sitting in the leaves in springtime 						920
	let forth their song, and choruses
	of Morsimus are not allowed,
	nor any from Melanthius,
	whose most ear-piercing voice I heard
	once screaming out—it was that day
	he and his brother put on stage
	the tragic chorus. What a pair!
	Gorgon epicures and Harpies,  								[810]
	ravenously devouring roaches,
	foul rogues chasing down old women       					930
	and wiping out whole schools of fish.
	What more, their armpits stink like goats!
	O goddess Muse, please spit on them—
	a huge, wide gob of phlegm—and then,
	throughout the party, play with me. 
 
[Trygaeus, now back home, enters with Opora and Theoria.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	That was tough, going straight up to the gods.
	My legs are really aching. You people    						[820]
	were tiny from up there. When I peered down,
	from heaven you looked like total scoundrels,
	but from here you seem a great deal worse. 				940
 
[The First Servant comes from Trygaeus’s house.]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Master, you’ve come back?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                  That’s what I’ve been told.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	What’s happened to you?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                             My legs are hurting—
	the road I travelled on was long.
 
FIRST SERVANT
                                                        So tell me now . . . 
 
TRYGAEUS 
	What?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                         Did you see any other human,
	besides yourself, wandering through the air.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, except perhaps two or three spirits
	of dithyrambic poets.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                               What were they doing?  					[830]

TRYGAEUS
	Oh, fluttering about collecting preludes
	as they drifted in the airy breezes.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	So it isn’t true when people tell us   						950
	once we’re dead, we’ll be stars up in the sky?
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, that’s really true.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                               Then who’s that star there?
TRYGAEUS
	That’s Ion of Chios, who once composed,
	when he was here, a poem about the dawn.
	As soon as he got there, they all called him
	the Star of Dawn.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                Who are those stars up there
	that rush across and blaze out as they move?
 
TRYGAEUS
	They are wealthy stars who, after dinner,  					[840]
	are making their way home, holding lanterns
	with lights inside. But come on, hurry up   				960
	and take this girl. Conduct her to the house.
	Clean the bath tub, and heat some water up.
	Prepare the wedding bed for me and her.
	And when you’ve finished, come back here again.
	Meanwhile, I’ll give this young girl to the council.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Where’d you get these girls?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                    Where else? In heaven.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	I wouldn’t give three obols for the gods
	if they keep bawdy houses, just like us.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No they don’t, but there are some up there   					[850]
	who do live off the trade.
 
FIRST SERVANT [to Opora]
	                                        Come on then, let’s go. 			970
	Tell me, should I give her something to eat?
 
TRYGAEUS
	No. She won’t want to eat any bread or cake.
	She always had the habit of licking up
	ambrosia with the gods in heaven.

FIRST SERVANT
	Well, we’ll just have to see if we can find 
	something else for her to lick down here.
 
[First Servant exits with Opora into Trygaeus’s house.]
 
CHORUS
	This old man, as far as we can see,
	is now working things out happily.
 
TRYGAEUS
	What will you think when very soon
	you see me as a bright bridegroom?  						980
 
CHORUS
	An old man to envy I presume.   							[860]
	Once more you’ll have your youthful bloom
	and lie there drenched in sweet perfume.
 
TRYGAEUS
	I think you’re right. And in a bit
	when I’m in bed and hold her tit?
 
CHORUS
	Happier than a top-spinning lad
	who calls that Carcinus his dad.
 
TRYGAEUS
	I deserve it. Is that not true?
	I, one man, on a beetle flew
	and saved the Greeks, who free from harm   				990
	now sleep and fuck on every farm.
 
[First Servant returns from the house.]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	The girl has finished bathing, and her butt 
	looks splendid. There’s a flat cake ready.
	And the sesame balls are being rolled up.
	Everything’s prepared. All we need now   					[870]
	is a hard, stiff cock.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                 Then let’s get going
	and offer Theoria to the Council.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	This girl here? Who is she?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                What do you mean?
	This is Theoria.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                  What? The girl
	we used to travel with to Brauron     						1000 
	and then get drunk and screw?
 
TRYGAEUS
 	                                      The very same.
	I had a hard time getting her away.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	O master, look at the ass on her—
	I’d wait four years for that!
 
TRYGAEUS [to the audience]
	                                              Now, let’s see.
	Is there an honest man among you lot?
	Where is he? Who’ll take charge of this girl here
	and guard her for the Council?
 
[To the First Servant who has been fondling Theoria’s backside.]
 
   	                                                                     Hey you,
	what are you doing? Drawing a chart?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Me? Oh, I’m reserving a camping spot
	to house my prick at the Isthmian Games.  				1010  	[880]
 
TRYGAEUS [to the audience]
	Tell me the man who’ll look after her.
 
[To Theoria]
 
	Come here. I’m going to take you down there
	and put you in the middle of them.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                  Look there—
	someone’s nodding his head!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                            Who is it?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Who is it? It’s Ariphrades urging you
	to take her over to him.
 
TRYGAEUS
 	                              No, he’ll jump her
	and start slurping in her lap. 
 
[To Theoria]
 
	                                                          Come now,
	to start with you can take that clothing off.

[Theoria undresses and stands nude in front of the audience. Trygaeus takes her to up close to the spectators.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	You council members and public officers,
	look on this Theoria and witness      						1020
	the splendid things I bring and give to you.
	You can quickly raise these two legs of hers
	high in the air and roast your sacrifice.   						[890]
	Look at the oven she’s got. 

FIRST SERVANT [peering at Theoria’s public hair]
	                                                          Magnificent! 
	Smoky black down here because the Council
	used to cook their meat in her before the war.
 
TRYGAEUS
	And now she’s yours. At first light tomorrow
	you can arrange some really splendid games—
	wrestling on the ground, mounting doggy style,
	lying her on her side, or on her knees, 					1030
	bending over, or rubbing on the oil
	and grappling in a youthful free-for-all,
	gouging and striking with your fists and prick. 
	Next day you’ll organize equestrian games, 					[900]
	where riders straddle riders, chariots crash
	on top of one another, and blow and pant
	as they go at it. Then other riders
	will be lying there with cocks all scraped
	from falling out while moving round the turns.
	So come on, you officials of the state,   					1040
	accept Theoria. 
 
[Theoria moves down to the first row of spectators.]
 
	                                 Look how eagerly
	that public officer’s receiving her!
 
[Addressing the public official Theoria is now standing beside.]	

 	That’s a motion you’d never introduce
	if you weren’t going to get a big pay off.
	No. I’d have found you reaching for a peace. 
 
CHORUS
	A useful man brings the state bliss    							[910]
	And that’s the kind of man this is.
 
TRYGAEUS
	When you go gather in your grape
	you’ll see I’m in much better shape.
 
CHORUS
	But now it’s clear what you’ve become. 					1050
	You’ve saved mankind—that’s everyone. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	Once you’ve chugged some new-made wine,
	a goblet full, you’ll say I’m fine.
 
CHORUS
	And we will constantly attest
	but for the gods you are the best.
 
TRYGAEUS
	I’m Trygaeus from Athmonum.
	and you owe me a tidy sum.
	I’ve pushed away harsh misery.    							[920]
	Now farm and working folk are free.
	I’ve made Hyperbolus succumb.   						1060
 
FIRST SERVANT
	All right, what do we have to do next?
 
TRYGAEUS
	What else but to install the goddess Peace
	by offering up some earthen pots? 

FIRST SERVANT
	                                                            With pots?
	Just like a grumpy little Hermes?
 
TRYGAEUS
	What do you think we should offer her?
	A fattened bull?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                    An ox? No not that.
	We don’t need to serve as ox-iliaries.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Then what about a big fat porker?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                 No, no.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Why not?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                      Because we might turn into swine,
	just like Theagenes. 
 
TRYGAEUS
                                          Well what do you think?  				1070
	What other animal?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                     What about this,
	a bummer lamb?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                          A bummer?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                Yes, by god.
 
TRYGAEUS
	But that’s a slang expression.  								[930]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                That’s deliberate—
	so when anyone in the assembly
	says we must have war, those sitting there
	can all cry out in fear, “But war’s a bummer!”
 
TRYGAEUS
	That’s a fine idea!
 
FIRST SERVANT
                                                   And in other things
	we’ll be like gentle lambs, being very kind
	to one another and a whole lot milder
	to our allies.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                  All right, now get cracking.  			1080
	Find that lamb and bring it here. I’ll prepare
	an altar so we’ll have a sacrifice.
 
[First Servant leaves.]
 
CHORUS
	How everything the gods desire
	and fortune turns into a favour
	moves on to what we all intend.  							[940]
	One by one, the good things come,
	with luck all things work in the end.
 
TRYGAEUS [pointing to a structure on the raised stage]
	That makes good sense. Here’s our outside altar.
 
[Trygaeus goes into his house and reappears with a basket during the Chorus’s next speech.]
 
CHORUS
	Hurry while the stiff winds pause.
	The gods have shifted them from war. 					1090
	The spirits clearly want a change
	to something better than before. 
 
TRYGAEUS [returning from the house]
	Here’s the basket with barley seed, ribbons,
	and a knife. We’ve got fire as well. So now,
	the only thing we’re missing is the sheep.
 
CHORUS
	You’d better get a move on then—   							[950]
	if Chaeris sees you, he’ll show up
	although you’ve not invited him.
	He’ll have his flute with him, as well,
	and tootle it for all he’s worth.  							1100
	You’ll have to offer him a gift. 
 
[First Servant returns with a lamb. Trygaeus brings out some water in a basin.]
 
TRYGAEUS [to the First Servant]
	Come on then, you can take the basket
	and this water for our hands. Circle round
	the altar quickly, moving to the right.
 
FIRST SERVANT [following the instructions]
	Watch, then. Now I’ve made my way around it.
	You can tell me something else.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                     Hang on. 
	I’ll pick up this piece of burning wood
	and plunge it in the water. 
 
[Trygaeus takes the stick out of the water and shakes drops of water on the altar and on the lamb. He then speaks directly to the lamb.]
 
	                                       Nod your head.  						[960]

 [The lamb does nothing.]
 
	Hurry up!
 
[The lamb eventually nods its head. Trygaeus addresses the First Servant.]
 
	                   Give me barley grains. 
 
[The First Servant hands the basket to Trygaeus, who takes some barley grains out of it and sprinkles them on the altar and on the lamb.]
 
                                                            Now that basin—
	wash your hands and then give it to me.  					1110
 
[The First Servant and Trygaeus wash their hands in the water in the basin.]
 
	Now throw some barley in the audience.
 
[The First Servant tosses some barley grains out over the spectators.]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	There, that’s done!

TRYGAEUS
	                             You’ve thrown them out already?
 
SERVANT
	Yes, by Hermes. There’re no spectators here
	who didn’t get some seed.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                              But none of it
	was taken by the women.
 
FIRST SERVANT
 	                                                         No. Their men
	will fill them full of seed once evening comes.
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right. Then let us pray. 
 
[Trygaeus holds up the bowl of water and calls out to start the ritual.]
 
 	                                                   Who is present here?
	Where might there be a crowd of righteous men?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Come on, give me the bowl. There’s lots of them,
	and they’re all stout fellows.
 
[The First Servant takes the bowl and throws the water over the Chorus. The members of the Chorus back away trying to avoid getting wet.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                              You really think so?			1120	[970]
	These are righteous men?
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                          Yes, they are. We soaked them
	with that ritual water, and they’ve come back.
	They stood their ground. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                           All right, then, 
	let’s pray right away.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	                              Yes, let us pray.
 
TRYGAEUS
	O most holy goddess, sacred Peace,
	queen who rules our choral dancing,
	queen of wedding celebrations,
	receive our offerings to you.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Yes, most honoured lady, receive it,
	Yes, by Zeus, and don’t act like wives    					1130
	who like to sleep around, those women      					[980]
	who open up the door a crack, peep out,
	and then, if anyone starts eyeing them,
	pull back again—but if he goes away,
	they start looking out once more.
	Don’t be like that with us again.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, by god, but like a noble woman
	reveal yourself completely to us,
	who love you and for thirteen years now   					[990]
	have been longing for you. Dissolve our fights, 			1140
	our noisy quarrels, so we can call you
	our Lysimache. And bring to an end
	our subtle suspicions, which lead us on
	to babble nonsense to each other.
	Bring us Greeks together once again,
	a new start with the juice of friendship,
	soothe our minds with a kinder tolerance,
	and let fine goods fill up our market place—
	huge garlics, early cucumbers, apples, 						[1000]
	pomegranates, and for our servants cloaks, 				1150
	but tiny ones. May we see men bringing
	geese, ducks, and pigeons from Boeotia,
	larks, as well, and may baskets full of eels
	arrive from lake Copais. Let all of us
	go out to buy them in a common crowd
	and jostle with Morychus and Teleas
	and Glaucetes and many other gluttons.
	Let Malanthius come to market last,      						[1010]
	so they’re sold out and he begins to wail
	and then to sing a song from his Medea,  					1160
	“I am dying, done for, now I am bereft
	the ladies lying hiding in the beets.”
	And may men find all that delightful.
	Grant these our prayers, most honoured goddess.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Take the knife and, like a true master cook,
	butcher the sheep.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                          No. That’s not right.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                                              Why not?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Peace surely gets no joy from slaughter.
	Nor should one spill blood across her altar.  					[1020]
	Go, take the beast inside and sacrifice it.
	Then cut the thigh bones out and bring them here.		1170
	That way we’ll save the sheep for our producer.
 
[The First Servant takes the knife and leads the sheep back into the house.]
 
CHORUS
	But here outside you’d better stop,
	and quickly set the wood you chop,
	and then all else you need on top.
 
TRYGAEUS [arranging kindling for a small fire on the altar]
	Well, don’t you think I’m setting up the wood
	like a real diviner.
 
CHORUS
	                                                   You are indeed.
	Does anything a clever man should know
	escape you? What is there that you don’t know
	which a man esteemed for his wise mind   					[1030]
	and for his daring ought to know? 
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                    There we are!   				1180
	The wood’s alight. Stilbides will be upset.
	I’ll go fetch a table. I don’t need the lad.
 
[Trygaeus goes inside the house.]
 
CHORUS
	Who would not praise a man like that
	who’s put up with so much danger
	and has saved our sacred city?
	Surely you’ll remain the envy
	of people for all time to come.
 
[Trygaeus and the First Servant return with a table and the things needed for the sacrifice, including various parts of the sacrificial sheep.]
 
FIRST SERVANT 
	All right, it’s ready. You take the thigh bones
	and set them out. I’ll go for the entrails    					[1040]
	and the offering of food.
 
[First Servant goes into the house.]
                             
TRYGAEUS
	                                       I’ll take care of it.  					1190 
 
[Trygaeus sets out the thigh bones on the altar, then calls after the First Servant.]
 
	You need to be here!
 
[First Servant returns from the house carrying the entrails and some cakes as offerings.]
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                          All right, here I am.
	You don’t think I’m wasting time, do you?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Now make sure these things are properly cooked.

[Trygaeus looks to the side and sees someone coming.]
 
	Someone’s coming here wearing a garland.
	It’s made of laurel. Who the hell is he?
 
FIRST SERVANT [looking in the same direction]
	The man looks like a total charlatan.
	He must be a diviner.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                          No, by god.
	It must be Hierocles from Oreus,
	the one who peddles oracles.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                             All right.
	What’s he going to say?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                   Well, it’s clear enough    				1200
	he’s going to oppose the peace agreement.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	No, it’s the smell of sacrificial meat   					[1050]
	that’s brought him here.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                               Then let’s pretend
	we don’t see him.
 
FIRST SERVANT
 	                            That’s all right with me.
 
[Hierocles enters.]
 
HIEROCLES
	What’s this sacrifice? To which one of the gods?
 
TRYGAEUS [to the First Servant]
	Keep quiet while your cooking and don’t touch
	those parts of the rump.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                             Aren’t you going to say
	who this sacrifice is for?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                 Ah, that’s good—
	the tail is roasting well.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	                                             Yes, a good omen.
	O dear friend, lady Peace!
 
HIEROCLES
	                                                         Come on now,  			1210
	start the offerings and give me the first piece.
 
TRYGAEUS
	It’s better to do the roasting first.
 
HIEROCLES [peering at the cooking meat]
	But these are cooked already.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                          Whoever you are,
	you’re too much in the way. 
 
[To the First Servant]
 
	                                   Slice them up.
 
FIRST SERVANT
	Where’s the table?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                          Bring out the libations.
 
[The First Servant goes into the house.]
 
HIEROCLES
	The tongue is cut all by itself. 								[1060]
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                        We know.
	You know what you should do?
 
HIEROCLES
	                                       Yes, if you tell me.

TRYGAEUS
	Don’t say a word to us. We’re offering
	a holy sacrifice to Peace.
 
HIEROCLES [in the grand style]
	O you miserable foolish mortal men!  					1220

TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	It’s your head you’re talking about!
 
HIEROCLES [continuing as before]
	You who are so ignorant, you do not know
	what gods think, you’ve come to an agreement,
	you who are men, with fierce-eyed monkeys.
 
TRYGAEUS [laughing]
	Ha, ha, ha!
 
HIEROCLES
                   Why are you laughing?
 
TRYGAEUS
                                                   I liked that—
	fierce-eyed monkeys!
 
HIEROCLES [continuing in the grand style]
	Like timid fools you place your trust in foxes,
	who’ve got deceitful minds, treacherous hearts.
 
TRYGAEUS
	You rascal, I wish your lungs were as hot
	as what’s cooking here.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                If those holy nymphs  						[1070]
	had not swindled Bacis and Bacis then   					1230
	had not misled mankind, and if those nymphs
	had not tricked Bacis one more time . . .
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                             Damn you!
	May you be utterly wiped out if you
	don’t stop prattling on about that Bacis.
 
HIEROCLES [continuing as before]
	For it has not yet been decreed by Fate
	that bonds of Peace should e’er be loosed
	until such time as first of all . . . 

 TRYGAEUS
	                                         This food here
	be dusted with this salt.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                                   The blessed gods
	will not be pleased that warfare terminate,
	until the wolf is wedded to the sheep.  					1240
 
TRYGAEUS
	Damn you, how could a wolf ever get married
	to a sheep?
 
HIEROCLES
	                                      As long as the wood bug,
	when it flies, emits the foulest smelling farts,
	as long as the noisy polecat bitch still strives
	to deliver her blind litter, that’s how long
	it is not right for peace to have been made.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Then what should we have done? Not stop the war? 			[1080]
	Or decide by lot which of the two groups
	should howl the loudest, when there’s a chance
	for peace and we can then rule Greece together? 			1250
 
HIEROCLES
	You will never make the crab walk straight.
 
TRYGAEUS
	In future you will never eat again
	at the Prytaneum or offer up
	poetic fictions after the event.
 
HIEROCLES
	You will never smooth the prickly hedgehog.
 
TRYGAEUS
	You’ve been deceiving the Athenians—
	will there ever come a day when you will stop?

 HIEROCLES
	What sort of oracle commanded you
	to burn these thigh parts to the deities?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Well, of course, it was the work of Homer, 				1260 	[1090]
	that splendid oracle: “They pushed aside
	the hateful cloud of war and then chose Peace,
	installing her with beasts for sacrifice.
	Once they’d cooked the thighs and tasted entrails,
	they poured libations from a cup”—I led the way,
	but no one gave a gleaming cup of wine
	to the man who peddled oracles.
 
HIEROCLES
	I’ll have no part of that. It’s not a utterance
	delivered by the Sibyl.
 
TRYGAEUS
                                                                 But, by god, 
	wise Homer does say something pertinent: 				1270
	“The man in love with dreadful civil war
	has no community, no rights, no home.”
 
HIEROCLES
	Be on your guard lest somehow a raptor bird 					[1100]
	seizes your wits, deceives you by a trick.
 
TRYGAEUS [to the First Servant as he comes out of the house]
	You, watch out for that bird—this oracle
	is threatening our meat. Make a libation
	and pass the entrails over here to me.
 
[The First Servant makes a libation and serves Trygaeus some of the meat.]
 
HIEROCLES
	If it’s all right with you, I’ll help myself.
 
[Hierocles approaches the table with the offering on it.]

TRYGAEUS
	Libation! Libation!
 
HIEROCLES
	                                  Pour out some for me.
	Present me with a portion of the meat. 					1280
 
TRYGAEUS
	But that’s not pleasing to the blessed gods.
	Not before this happens—we pour a drink
	and you get out of here. O lady Peace,
	remain with us for all our lives.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                     Serve me the tongue.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Why don’t you get your tongue away from here.
 
HIEROCLES [grabbing some of the wine]
	Libation!
 
TRYGAEUS [hitting Hierocles]
	                           Take this with your libation— 				[1110]
	and hurry up.
 
HIEROCLES
                                             Will no one offer me
	the entrails?
 
TRYGAEUS
                                           That’s not possible for us.
	We can’t give you any, not until the wolf
	gets married to the sheep.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                       I’m begging you, 
	by your own knees . . . 
 
TRYGAEUS [imitating Hierocles’s earlier style]
	                                                 A futile supplication. 			1290
	You’ll never make the prickly hedgehog smooth.
 
[To the audience]

 	Come on, you spectators, come here and share
	these entrails with us.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                           What’s for me?
 
TRYGAEUS
	You? You can eat your Sibyl.
 
HIEROCLES
	                                                   No, by Earth
	you two aren’t going to eat that up alone.
	I’ll grab it from you. It’s public property.
 
[Hierocles tries to steal some meat, but Trygaeus stops him and starts hitting him.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Hit him! Hit this Bacis!
 
[The First Servant starts hitting Hierocles with a stick.]
 
HIEROCLES
	                                          I call as witnesses . . .
 
TRYGAEUS
	And so do I—that you’re a greedy fraud! 						[1120]
	Keep on hitting him with that stick of yours—
	the impostor!
 
FIRST SERVANT [giving Trygaeus the stick]
	                                       You do it. I’ll strip him 				1300
	of those skins he stole from us by lying.
	Come on, soothsayer, let go of those skins!
	Do you hear me!
 
[Hierocles runs off in terror of a beating.]
 
	                                What a fine crow he is
	that’s flown in from Oreus! Why not fly
	quickly on your journey to Elymnium!
 
[Trygaeus and the First Servant go into the house.]
 
CHORUS
	I’m full of joy, yes, full of joy,
	free from helmets, free from cheese,
	and free from onions, too.
	I don’t find battles any fun— 								[1130]
	not like good parties with my friends 					1310
	and steady drinking round the fire,
	blazing wood from well-dried logs
	cut up in summer time,
	cooking chick peas, roasting acorns,
	giving our Thracian girl a kiss,
	while the wife is in her bath.
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Nothing’s more pleasant, once the sowing done, 				[1140]
	than for god to send soft rain drizzling down
	and for a friend to say, “Since it’s like this,
	Comarchides, tell me what we should do.” 				1320
	“Well, since the god is treating us so well,
	I’d like to have a drink. So come on, wife,
	warm up three measures of those chick peas,
	mix in some wheat with them, and give us figs.
	Get Sura to call Manes from the fields.
	Today it’s totally impossible 
	to prune the vines or shovel up the mud.
	The ground is soaked right through. Get someone
	to fetch the thrush for me and those two finches.
	And there was fresh birth milk in the house 				1330	[1150]
	and four bits of hare, unless the weasel 
	got off with some of them last evening.
	I don’t know what was making all that noise
	and rattling round in there. And so, my boy,
	serve us up three of them and then take one
	and give it to my father. And then ask
	Aeschinades for some myrtle branches,
	ones with berries, and since it’s on the way
	someone should invite Charinades.
	So he can come and drink with us 						1340
	to god who’s giving so much help
	assisting with our crops.

	As soon as the cicada sings
	his own sweet song, I love to see 							[1160]
	if those Lemnian vines of mine
	are ripe already, their nature
	makes them the very first to bloom
	and to look at the swelling figs,
	which, when they’re ripe, I love to eat
	and keep on eating while I say 							1350
	“I do love these seasons.” And then
	I crush some thyme and stir a drink.
	Yes, I do get fat in summer time. 							[1170]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	Much fatter than if I were looking at
	some damned military officer
	with three helmet plumes and a crimson cloak,
	dazzling red, which he claims is real dye
	from Sardis. But if he ever has to fight
	in his red cloak, then he himself gets dyed 
	the real Cyzicene yellow. He’s the first 					1360
	to run away, shaking those plumes of his
	just like a brown and yellow horse-cock,
	while I stand there like someone watching
	a hunting net. And then when they get home,
	they act in an intolerable way.
	On the conscription list they scribble down 					[1180]
	some of our names and scratch out others,
	back and forth two or three times at random. 
	Tomorrow is set as the departure date,
	and this man’s purchased no provisions. 					1370
	He had no idea he was moving out.
	Then he stops in front of Pandion’s statue,
	sees his name, and rushes off in distress,
	with a bitter glare at his misfortune.
	They do these things to us country people,
	less so to city folk, these very ones
	who before god and men threw away
	their shields. And if the gods are willing,
	I’ll still call them to account for it.

CHORUS
	They’ve injured me with many slights. 					1380
	Those men who act at home like lions	
	are foxes when it comes to fights. 							[1190]
 
[Trygaeus and the First Servant emerge from the house.]
 
TRYGAEUS [handing the First Servant a plumed helmet]
	Oh, oh! What a crowd we’ve got coming here
	for the wedding dinner. Come on, dust off
	the tables with this thing. There’s nothing else
	it’s good for any more. And then pile up
	the cakes, the thrushes, plenty of the hare,
	and rolls of bread.
 
[The First Servant goes into the house. Enter the Sickle Maker and a Potter. One is carrying sickles, another a basket of food.]
 
SICKLE MAKER
	                              Where’s Trygaeus? Where is he?	
 
TRYGAEUS
	I’m cooking thrushes.
 
SICKLE MAKER
	                                                   O dearest Trygaeus,
	you’ve done us so much good by making Peace! 			1390
	Before now no one would’ve paid an obol 					[1200]
	for a sickle and now I’m selling them
	for fifty drachmas. And this fellow here
	flogs jars for three drachmas in the country.
	So Trygaeus take some of these sickles
	and these jars—take as many as you’d like,
	free of charge. And please accept these presents.
	We’re bringing you these things as wedding gifts
	from what we’ve sold, the profits we have made.
 
TRYGAEUS
	All right. Put them over here beside me, 					1400
	and go inside as quickly as you can to eat—
	there’s an arms dealer coming and he looks
	as if he’s really angry.
 
[Enter an Arms Dealer, carrying a load of his goods, with an Armourer, a Trumpet Dealer, a Spear Maker, and a Helmet Maker, each carrying a lot of samples of his trade.]
 
ARMS DEALER
	                                               Damn it, Trygaeus, 				[1210]
	you’ve completely ruined me!
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                             You poor man,
	what’s the matter? Are you crestfallen? 
 
ARMS DEALER
	You’ve wiped out my trade, my livelihood,
	and this man’s and this spear maker’s, too. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	Well then, what should I pay for these two crests?
 
ARMS DEALER
	What are you offering?
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                         What’s my offer?
	I’m ashamed to say. Still, a lot of work 					1410
	has gone into this attachment bracket,
	so I might offer for the two of them
	three measures of dried figs. I can use them
	for dusting off the table.
 
ARMS DEALER
	                                                 All right, done.
	Now go and bring the figs.
 
[Trygaeus takes the helmet crests and goes into the house. The Arms Dealers talks to his companion.]
 	
	                                         Well, it’s better 						[1220]
	than getting nothing. 	
 
[Trygaeus re-emerges with the helmet crests, which he throws at the Arms Dealer.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                              Get these out of here!
	Take them from my house! To hell with them!
	These aren’t helmet crests. They’re shedding hair!
	I wouldn’t pay a single fig for them.
 
ARMOURER
	What’s a poor fellow like me going to do 					1420
	with this curved breastplate? It’s beautifully made 
	and worth ten minas.
 
TRYGAEUS [taking the breastplate]
	                                          With this one here
	you won’t lose money. Let me purchase it
	for what it cost. It could be really useful
	when I need to shit . . . 
 
[Trygaeus puts the armour on the ground and starts pulling up his clothes ,as if he is going to crap in the metal.]
 
ARMOURER
	                                                   Stop insulting me
	and what I have to sell. 
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                            Like this, but it needs 				[1230]
	three stones placed beside it.
 
[He sits on the armour.]
 
	                                                  Hey, it works.
 
ARMOURER
	How will you wipe yourself, you idiot?

TRYGAEUS [picking up stones and reaching through the arm holes on the metal]
	One hand goes through this hole, the other one . . .
 
ARMOURER
	You wipe yourself with both your hands at once? 			1430
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes, by god, so I don’t get arrested
	for concealing oar holes on the ship.

 ARMOURER
	So you’re going to sit down to take a shit
	on something worth ten minas?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes I am, you fool. Do you imagine
	I’d sell my asshole for a thousand drachmas?
 
ARMOURER
	All right, then, hand the money over.
 
TRYGAEUS [standing up and rubbing his bum]
	No, my good man, it irritates my ass.
	Take it away. I won’t be buying it.
 
TRUMPET MAKER
	What am I going to do with this trumpet. 				1440 	[1240]
	I once paid sixty drachmas for it.
 
TRYGAEUS
	Pour lead in this hollow part, then up here
	fix a long stick on top. And then you’ll have
	a target for your game of cottabus.
 
TRUMPET MAKER
	Damn you, you’re making fun of me.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                                All right,
	I have another idea. Pour lead,
	as I said, and attach a pan right here,
	using small cords, and you’ll then have something
	to weigh figs for your servants in the fields.
 
HELMET MAKER
	O you damned spirit who’s destroyed me, 				1450	[1250]
	I once paid a mina for these helmets!
	Now what do I do? Who’ll buy them now?
 
TRYGAEUS
	Go sell them to the Egyptians. They’ll do
	for when they measure out their laxatives.
 
SPEAR MAKER
	Alas, helmet maker, things have worked out
	so badly for us.
 
TRYGAEUS
	                                   This man’s not suffering,
	not in the least. 
 
SPEAR MAKER
	                                  What about his helmets?
	Who will use them anymore?
 
TRYGAEUS
	He should learn to attach handles to them.
	Then he’d sell them at a much better price 				1460
	than he does now. 
 
HELMET MAKER
	                                    Let’s go, Spear Maker.
 
TRYGAEUS
	No, not yet. I’m going to buy some spears from him.			[1260]
 
SPEAR MAKER
	How much will you offer for them, then?
 
TRYGAEUS
	If they were split in two, I’d purchase them
	as vineyard poles, one drachma for a hundred.
 
SPEAR MAKER
	We’re being insulted. Come on, friend, let’s go.
 
[The various arms dealers and weapons manufacturers all leave. As Trygaeus gives his next speech, two young boys emerge from the house.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Yes, you should, because children of our guests
	are coming here to take a piss. I think 
	they’re also going to sing the opening parts
	of what they will perform. Now, young lad,				1470
	what song do you intend to sing? Stand here
	beside me and before you go inside
	sing the beginning of your song.
 
SON OF LAMACHUS [chanting]
	“So now let us begin with younger warriors . . .” 				[1270]
 
TRYGAEUS
	Stop singing of warriors, you wretched child.
	We’re at peace. And you’re a cursed idiot.
 
SON OF LAMACHUS [continuing]
	“When they’d come close up against each other,
	they smashed their ox-hide bucklers and their embossed shields.”
 
TRYGAEUS
	Shields? Will you stop reminding us of shields!
 
SON OF LAMACHUS [continuing]
	“Then came men’s groans with shouts of triumph too.” 	1480
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	Men’s groans? By Dionysus, you’ll be crying
	as you sing out those groans and embossed shields.
 
SON OF LAMACHUS
	Then what should I sing? Tell me what you like.
 
TRYGAEUS [quoting from Homer]
	“Thus they feasted on cattle meat.” Stuff like that. 				[1280]
	“They set out breakfast, all the sweetest food to eat.”

SON OF LAMACHUS [reciting again]
	“Thus they feasted on cattle meat and, tired of war,
	loosed their sweating horses from the harnesses.”
 
TRYGAEUS
	That’s the stuff. They were fed up with warfare
	and then they had a feast. Sing about that—
	about how they ate after they were tired. 					1490
 
SON OF LAMACHUS
	“When they were finished and had regained their strength . . .”

 TRYGAEUS
	I’m sure they were feeling really splendid.
 
SON OF LAMACHUS [continuing]
	“. . . and poured out from the towers. A mighty shout arose . . . ”
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	To hell with you, boy, you and your battles!
	You sing of nothing but war. Whose son are you? 				[1290]
 
SON OF LAMACHUS
	Me? 
 
TRYGAEUS
	               Yes, by god, you.
 
SON OF LAMACHUS
	                                             I’m Lamachus’s son.
 
TRYGAEUS 
	Bah! Listening to you sing, I was wondering
	if you might be the offspring of someone
	addicted to the war, who’s sad without one.
	Go away! Go sing your songs to spearmen. 				1500
	Where’s that young son of Cleonymus?
 
[The Son of Lamachus goes in the house and the other child, the son of Cleonymus, steps forward.]
 
	Sing me something before you go inside.
	I don’t think you’ll sing about stuff like that.
	Your father’s a far too prudent man.
 
SON OF CLEONYMUS [singing]
	“Some man from Sais now glories in my shield,
	that splendid shield, which I left, against my will,
	beside a bush . . . ”
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	                                  Tell me, you little prick,
	are you singing of what your father did?    					[1300]

 SON OF CLEONYMUS [continuing]
	“But I saved my life . . . ”
 
TRYGAEUS [interrupting]
	                                And shamed your parents.
	But let’s go in. I’m sure you won’t forget 					1510
	what you’ve just been singing about the shield,
	not with that father of yours.
 
[Trygaeus and the Son of Cleonymus start to go into the house. Trygaeus turns to address the Chorus.]
 
	You people who are staying here, your work
	is to chomp on all this stuff, chew it up—
	don’t just pretend you’re working. Get to it
	like real men, with both jaws grinding hard.
	You poor sods, your white teeth are no use at all
	if they’re not used for chewing. 								[1310]
 
[Trygaeus goes into the house.]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	We’ll take care of it. Thanks for telling us.
	Now those of you who were hungry earlier 				1520
	get going on this hare. It’s not every day
	you come across cakes going round unclaimed.
	So eat up, or I say you’ll soon be sorry.
 
[Trygaeus emerges from the house.]
 
TRYGAEUS
	You must speak fair words now, and let the bride
	come out here. And bring the wedding torches.
	Let all the people celebrate together
	and sing and dance with us. Now, too, we must
	take all equipment back to our lands once more, 
	once we have danced and poured out libations,
	kicked out Hyperbolus, and made our prayers 		1530 	[1320]
	to gods to enrich the Greeks, and make us all
	harvest many barley crops together,
	with lots of wine, figs to eat, and may our wives
	bear children for us, and may we gather
	once again the good things we started with,
	all the things we’ve lost and set aside
	the glittering iron of war.

[Opora comes out of the house with her attendants.]

	Come, wife, to the fields,
	and, my lovely one, may you lie 							[1330]
	in such beauty at my side. 							1540
 
[In the following exchanges one half the Chorus sings in response to the other half.]
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	O thrice blessed man, you deserve
	these splendid things you now possess!
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	What shall we do with her?
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	What shall we do with her?
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	We’ll harvest her fruit.
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	We’ll harvest her fruit.
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	Those in the front, 									1550
	lift up the groom. Come, men, 								[1340]
	let’s carry him off.
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
[The Chorus raises Trygaeus up in the air.]
 
CHORUS LEADER
	You’ll have a fine home
	without any troubles,
	tending your figs.
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
FIRST HALF CHORUS
	His fig is huge and thick. 								1560
 
SECOND HALF CHORUS
	And her fig is sweet. 										[1350]
 
TRYGAEUS
	You’ll say that when you’re feasting,
	when you’re drinking plenty of wine.
 
CHORUS
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
	Hymen, Hymenaeus, O!
 
TRYGAEUS
	Good bye, men, good luck,
	and if you follow me
	you’ll be eating flat cakes!
 
[The wedding procession exits, with everyone singing and dancing.]